“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.” 
― Edgar Allan Poe

There is this strange phenomenon that happens in my apartment every night at around 10/11pm: I start telling myself I should be getting into the shower and getting myself ready to bed; and at the same time I start coming up with many things to do before getting to bed.

It took me awhile to realize I am practicing avoidance.  I am avoiding going to bed. I start watching some show, reading a book, playing a game, paying bills, organizing my purse, making lists of things to do, etc, anything that keeps me from getting to bed.

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Even when going out in the evening and coming in late, many people go straight to bed barely managing to take off the make up or brushing their teeth. No me!  I have to watch some tv or read or play a card game on the computer to unwind.  And then there is the shower, make up to remove, teeth to be brushed, and on and on and on.

Once I am able to talk myself into getting into the shower to get ready to bed, it will take me at least another 30 minutes to get into bed.  It takes me longer to get ready for bed than to get ready to work in the morning.

I think I would be a great subject for a psychiatrist.  Why do I avoid getting in bed?  Once I am in bed I fall sleep right away (which is very different from a year ago when I couldn’t sleep a whole night.  Thank God,  melatonin eventually helped that)

WHY AM I DOING THAT?

1. Do I still miss Ex in my bed and that is why I don’t want to get into an empty bed? Perhaps… but I don’t really think I miss him anymore.  I miss a warm body next to me, somewhere to lay my head and feel safe.

2. Do I think that I will be missing something? Since I live alone there are no housemates to be throwing a party while I am asleep.

3.  Do I feel my day was not productive enough and I am trying to fit a few more things in? Very possible.  I get home from work full of ideas, by the time 10pm rolls around I realize I have not accomplished all I intended to do.  I really dislike the feeling of leaving things unfinished.

4. Do I hate myself and am I punishing myself by depriving myself of sleep?

5.  Do I just lose track of time and there is no really big secret or big explanation about it?

By the time I am finally getting into bed I am not very pleased with myself and I am full of promises to go to bed at a reasonable time the following evening.  And the next evening I am singing the same tune again.

Why am I sabotaging my health? I know how important sleep is!  Then why?

Perhaps is the ADD or ADHD showing one of its many faces. Could this be a symptom?  Since I touched about it in this post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/07/01/why-run/ I really didn’t do anything about it.

I am not sure what you will take for me to get to bed on time.  Realizing I have a problem and need to change is the first step.  So you all are witnessing my taking the first step! Now what?