Tag Archives: back from Brazil

Back to the US and to anxiety

10 Friday Jun 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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My view from the office window

“What emotion had so invaded me? Fear? It is sometimes curiously difficult to name the emotion from which one suffers. The naming of it is sometimes unimportant, sometimes crucial.” ― Iris Murdoch, The Black Prince

I got back to NY and the anxiety has returned.  Well, I don’t think it had really left.  In Brazil I just did a good job of keeping it at bay.

I am still blaming Covid for some of it, but I think there are other factors at play.  Such as my need for routine.  I was in Brazil for 3 weeks, and now that I am back I cannot go back to my regular routine of work, and getting to the gym a couple of times to walk during the day.

I cannot go back to it because as I arrived, my assistant/co-worker was leaving to be treated for breast cancer.  The good news is that her prognosis is very good.  The bad news for me is that she will probably be away from work for a long time.  

My firm is not in the best shape financially to hire additional help, so I will have to do both jobs.  I can do it. I have done it before, but I fear messing up something important because of the mental fogginess and memories issues. I feel overwhelmed with some deadlines looming.

Another contributing factor to the anxiety, that I have to be honest about, is sugar.  I have written about sugar here a lot.  It is my constant frenemy.  The one I run to at all times, but that I should instead run from. I know it creates this rollercoaster effect with my emotions.

I did a wonderful job at not indulging in too many sweets in Brazil.  But, everything I didn’t eat there I brought with me.  I even brought a couple of cakes.  I am trying to do better and next time I go to Brazil I am not bringing anything back.  For now, I guess, I just need to finish it all soon. 🙂

“That’s your solution? Have a cookie?’ Astrid asked. ‘No, my solution is to run down to the beach and hide out until this is all over,’ Sam said. ‘But a cookie never hurts.” ― Michael Grant, Gone

On Tuesday I let the stress and anxiety get a hold of me.  I was feeling very overwhelmed the whole day.  I was lethargic and unmotivated.  Even this blog and my mosaics, two of the things that I love the most, felt unappealing to me.

That evening I got home in a bad mood, went straight to my bedroom and lay in bed staring at the ceiling.   I stayed there until the following morning.  

The next morning, I was horrified by that action, or should I say inaction.  I had let my emotions rule me to the point of paralysis.  I realized that I had completely forgotten about some very important beliefs that I hold, and some of my go-to coping mechanisms.

BELIEFS:

  • It is not what happens to me. It is how I choose to react and handle the situation.  A change in thinking and attitude is in order.
  • I am not a victim. There is nothing happening to me.  I can rise up and do what needs to be done.  And I can do it well.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities. This is an opportunity.  An opportunity to change things up at work, to see if all the guidelines I have put in place are being followed.  I already see a lot areas that need improvement. 

COPING MECHANISMS:

  • Make mental and written gratitude lists. Realizing how much I have and how much I have going for me, puts me in a good mood immediately.
  • Trying to quiet my mind down helps me immensely.  The overflowing of chit chat in my mind is what drives me nuts.
  • Making plans. Having goals to achieve and look forward to, believe me or not, helps. One would think that adding more stuff to my to do list would make it worst, but it doesn’t.
  • Just take a break, breathe and watch the beauty of nature. I started doing that at work now, and I look at the water far out in the distance (see the 2 pictures).

At the end of the day, I know better.  I know I am sounding like a spoiled cry baby complaining about extra work and anxiety, as my assistant is being treated for cancer. 😦  For the record, she is also a friend.  I am here for her, checking in on her daily and bringing her fruits, and whatever she needs.

“Life has a tendency to provide a person with what they need in order to grow. Our beliefs, what we value in life, provide the roadmap for the type of life that we experience. A period of personal unhappiness reveals that our values are misplaced and we are on the wrong path. Unless a person changes their values and ideas, they will continue to experience

A closer view of Long Island Sound

On, Off, or just dimmed?

21 Thursday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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While I was in Brazil B and I spoke every night.  We couldn’t wait to see each other again.

I arrived from Brazil on Tuesday morning.  This is a 9 and half hours flight.  All really started on Monday morning getting the covid test, praying for a negative result.  I get anxious imagining the worst.

After getting the negative result,  we finished getting ready and  drove over 4 hours to the airport.  At the airport, doing the checking in, getting a wheelchair for my 87 year old mother, then waiting another 3 hours to board the plane.  The flight left at 9pm and we got to JFK before 6am on Tuesday morning. Then proceed with the wheelchair, and getting through Immigration. 

I was nervous. My mom is a green card holder and she needs to come into the US at least every 6 months. She hasn’t been here in 3 years thanks to covid and health issues.  Still they could have given her a hard time, and my anxiety made me think of the worst: going for additional clearance and perhaps a court date to see a judge. Thankfully the agent was a joy and had no issues.

Then getting a car, getting home, unpacking, getting my mom settled, putting in a full day working from home. To me, the fact that I was at B’s house for dinner on Tuesday at 6pm was a sign that he was important to me.  I even skipped my Tuesday night mosaic studio time for him.  That should tell him something.  But he didn’t see it that way.

But let me back up a bit.  I got to his house and he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me.  Gorgeous flowers!! The picture above doesn’t do them justice.

We had a great time, talking, eating and sipping wine.  All was fine, fun and yummy, until it was time for me to leave.  He acted shocked that I was leaving and not staying with him.  I was shocked that he was shocked.

I have stayed over twice before.  He assumed that after being away for 10 days I would.  Assumptions and expectations will kill a blossoming relationship faster than anything.

He proceeded to tell me how hurt and disappointment he was.  He said he didn’t feel important to me.  I didn’t know where all that was coming from.  I had already explained to him that in April and May I wasn’t going to have much time as I was going to Brazil for 10 days, get mom, she is staying here for 20 days, then I was going to go back to Brazil for another 20 days.

“You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart; imagine my heartbeat when you are in this state.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

When I had mentioned that,  he had said that his daughter would be coming from college in May and that, indeed, it would be hard to spend much time together.  We both had agreed that we would make the most and best of it.

What happened? Did he forget about all of that?  Is this covid mental fogginess of mine preventing me from understanding this? Is he right?

He said that I was doing the same thing I did 5 years ago.  Five years ago when we had a few dates, my sister and my best friend had just arrived from Brazil to stay 1 month.  I had mentioned that for one month it would be tough to get together as I wanted to dedicate time to them. 

What he seems to forget is that, now, as well, as back then, I had just barely met him.  This relationship is not even 2 months old now.  It may seem harsh, but my family comes first at this point.  It is not a competition, which he seems to be doing.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

We went from flowers to tears in a matter of hours. My head is still spinning.  I am still confused and thinking that he is creating problems where there are none.

I cried talking to him, more out of frustration, than out of sadness.  It is frustrating that in one minute we are on the same page and all is fine, and the next minute all is upside down. We were even thinking long term, and such plans.

Timing is indeed everything. And for now I am not even sure where we are. Are we on, off or what?  I got home that night and texted him thanking him for dinner and flowers. He replied with good night.

Yesterday, I texted him saying I was confused, and asking him if we are on or off, or what.  He said he was sad and hurt, that he was looking forward to spending time with me and that he didn’t want to be off.  I said I didn’t either.

As I am about to hit Publish on this post he texted me.  I will save that for the next post.

“At times he felt that he had almost rather not be in love with her, for it brought him no peace. What was the use of it, if it was only going to be painful?” ― Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove

When the child becomes the parent

01 Wednesday May 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The value of a moment is immeasurable. The power of just ONE moment can propel you to success and happiness or chain you to failure and misery.” ― Steve Maraboli

I was in Brazil for 10 days and got back to New York on Friday.  I love going but I love returning even more.  I miss my routine, even the craziness of work.  There is comfort in routine.

On Monday I alerted the auditors that I was back but so far I have not heard anything from them.  I guess they are working on some other firm at the moment.  I just want to be finished and not have it hanging over my head.

My mom again returned with me to stay a couple of weeks.  Mom is 84 today.  She looks amazing.  She has taken great care of herself.  No wrinkles!  But unfortunately her health is not equally that great.

She has to take a lot medication for different ailments.  I am used to her being non-stop, a total dynamo.  It is sad to see that she is not the same energetic person she used to be.  That gives me a lot pause and gets me thinking about my own life and future.

I think she is a good mirror for me to base my actions on.  Seeing her deteriorate reminds me to not to waste time, energy, youth and a healthy body.  This life cycle is finite.

My mom now reminds me to live my life to the fullest, to have more fun, to do more, make more mistakes, celebrate life.

Now that mom’s health is not that great I feel like a parent to a child I never had.  I don’t mean that in a bad way.  I just worry and try to do all I can to make her life easier.  Unlike a child, an older parent gets more dependent as time goes by.

While mom is in town I am getting into work at 6 am and trying to leave at 1pm so she is not alone for long.   So far it has worked.

I am focusing on the blessing of still having my parents!  I am focusing on doing all that I can to make my parent’s life comfortable and still fun.  All the rest are mere details.

Bye, we are now off to the casino 🙂

“Everybody seems to be doing different things but actually they do the same thing: They try to survive in this world, each with their own style!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan