Tag Archives: need to change

The need for friends…

13 Sunday Jul 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“A friend is a gift you give yourself.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson

I NEED FRIENDS!!  This is very hard for me to write.  I pride myself in being independent and not needing anybody for anything.  I have learned a long time ago that if I want to do something I should go ahead and do it and not wait for anyone.  Waiting for others always led me to nothing and nowhere.  So I always did everything alone, from taking vacations to taking classes.  But at this point in my life I have been noticing this empty space that only friends can occupy.

This fact became abundantly clear to me on 4th of July as I watched the fireworks from my balcony.  (I attempted to invite someone, but this person didn’t respond)  As a particular beautiful and big display appeared in the sky I felt the want/the need to share with someone the beauty of the moment.  At that moment I realized that my wanting was not for a boyfriend but just for a friend. I guess my perception (real or not) was that the fireworks could have been even more amazing had I shared it with someone.

Until now I suppose I never realized that huge void in my life.  God is my friend, my family is my friend, books are my friends, entertainment is my friend.  oh yeah, food is my friend.I never noticed anything anything missed, and when I did, I thought I missed a romantic relationship.

Do you know what I am talking about?  That person that you can meet on the spur of the moment and just spend time together and talk.  It doesn’t have to be deep conversations and confidence, it could just be laughs over the absurdities of life, or the latest gossip, or take a walk, go shopping, etc.

I guess the fact that my entire family lives in Brazil and I live alone in the US makes being friendless more noticeable.  One would think that because I have no family here I would have made tons of friends here, but instead, having no family here made me cultivate the dependence on only myself.

It may also be odd to you, if you read my post the other day where I thank God for the friends I have that I am now saying I have no friends.  The truth is I have great friends, but they are not available.  I NEED AVAILABLE FRIENDS!  The friends I currently have either live far (Brazil, Boston, etc) or they are too busy with their own lives.  They have commitments, family, work, other friends and all of a sudden I realize they have no time for me.

I love the friends I have, I feel blessed to have them in my life and I know that in an emergency they would come running (well, I hope :-). I also think I should make more of an effort to see them.  Perhaps I should be more pushy and let them make it clear that they don’t have time, instead of assuming that that is what the silence means.

I question now if it is better to have a few great friends that are not available or several no so great ones.

“A friend to kill time is a friend sublime.” ― Haruki Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase

So how did I get here, 48 years old and no friends?  I am fully aware of who is the person to blame in all this: ME!  But I am a combination of my circumstances, environment, nurture,  personality, etc.  It is a combination of facts, starting in childhood.  Well, perhaps even before that, I guess it started in the womb.

  • I have an identical twin sister, so I was born with an immediate best friend, not needing any others
  • My mother instilled in us the need to be self-sufficient and not rely on others
  • Some of my Aries traits can work against me: stubborn, opinionated, honest to a fault, impatient. Always telling people exactly what you think is not always the best way to keep friends. Is a friend that want to hear lies instead of the honest truth a friend worth having?  Well, from my lonely couch at this moment I am going to say yes.
  • I relied on significant other’s friends and when those relationships failed, I made it easy on those friends by just leaving so they would not be put in the awkward position of having to choose sides
  • I always loved being alone, it always felt natural to me.  I guess I was always proud of the fact that I was never needy (that is why this post is extremely humbling and painful).
  • I was always focused in work, school and getting things done, results, leaving a minimal amount of time for friends.
  • Taking friends for granted and not really cultivating friendships. Letting silence reign instead of being the first to reach out.
  • A tendency to want people to go at my pace, and as I raced friends and potential friends fell by the wayside.
  • Nursing only a couple of friendships, instead of letting more people in.

I believe that focusing on the Shoulds, Coulds, Woulds now will not help, but being aware of how I got here will.

Please don’t feel sorry for me when you read this post.  There is nothing to be sorry about.  This is actually a huge opportunity. This is a great chance to open my life to others, to give more of me and to be accepting more of others. I love the fact that I realize that is not a man I am missing, but a person!

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson

How great it would be if I could meet my readers and fellow bloggers?  I have gained so much support, motivation and understanding from you all that I consider you a great friend.   Why couldn’t you all just live right here in NY, more specifically South Westchester?

So now I am embarking on this new friend finding mission I am setting on a course of finding new friends.  I am looking into Meetup, book clubs, physical activities, etc.  I will keep you informed of my progress or lack of it.

“Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Someone to last your whole life and you his. I suppose such a thing can’t really happen outside sleep.” ― E.M. Forster, Maurice

ps.  Brazil lost again.  This time I was emotionless. I expected it. We needed a wake up call, and nothing like losing twice in a row in spectacular fashion in our own backyard to cement the idea we need a change. This was epic record breaking losses. We cannot afford to ignore it.  I predict that with great failure there will be great rewards.

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” ― Truman Capote

pps. guess what? I just got an invitation to go out and perhaps do some dancing.  I was tempted to say no, it is late (almost 10, and I hate last minute date invitations) and my hair is dirty, but I don’t have to work tomorrow and I happen to have shampoo and water :-), so I am going out of my comfort zone and will meet this guy.

of trips and falls and the need to change …

14 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Overconfidence precedes carelessness.” 
― Toba Beta

(I wrote this on Saturday,  August 10)

Instead of being en route to Boston I am sitting here at Penn Station with broken fingernails, scraped and painful knees, a sore wrist and wearing a pair of ripped jeans.  That is the result of falling while running to catch a train.

When I fell I had no time to be embarrassed, but the fact that I fell  on the sidewalk of a very busy street, right where there was the weekly Farmer’s Market is not lost on me.  I quickly gathered all the spilled contents of my bags and took off running even faster.  I got to the station with a 1 minute to spare.

The train is late, giving me time to finally assess the damages.  Only now I realize my jeans are ripped on the right knee.  2 fingernails on my left hand are broken.  My knees are throbbing and when I look through the hole I see blood.  I am not even sure what to think or feel.  I guess the prevailing feeling is anger at myself. I can’t blame this on an uneven sidewalk or anything else, this is all on me!

Finally after 10 minutes, that seems like 10 hours, the train comes and I jump in.  I get settled in the comfortable seat.  My entire body is sore, so it feels great to let my body relax in the seat and get ready for the 4 hour trip.

I am not relaxed for long.  When the conductor comes and takes a look at my ticket, his face falls.  He looks like he is going to start crying.  He explains I am on the train to Washington and not to Boston.  He cannot understand how I didn’t hear the many announcements he made.  I consoled him and said it was not his fault, three or four times.   I remember hearing announcements but never dawned on me to think to pay attention to what was being said.  Also, the fact that the train was heading South instead of North was another detail I had failed to notice.

The conductor informs me that luckily the train is making a stop at Penn Station in NY City where I can get off and catch another train.  After the conductor leaves I sit there thinking of how I need to change my ways. Why must I wait until the last minute to leave the house?  Did I really need to vacuum the apartment? Did I need to make my own salad to bring? Why must I come up with 300 things to do and then have to run like a bat out of hell?

I laugh welcoming this little curve ball, realizing there are lessons here! I need to learn them and change my ways otherwise some thing worst than a bruised knee and a ripped pair of jeans is bound to occur.

With all being said about my need to change my ways, my positive self thinks that all this happened for a reason.  I was not meant to be in that train and was meant to be sitting at Penn Station right now.  I do not know why.  I do not need to have a reason, I just need to believe that at this moment I am where I need and was meant to be!

“For myself I am an optimist – it does not seem to be much use to be anything else.”― Winston Churchill

***

After I wrote the above, my train was delayed and eventually canceled. I had paid $60 more to be put on the 12pm Acela Express instead of the regular 1pm train.  The Acela kept being pushed back due to mechanicals problems.  The girl at the Amtrak counter tells me to wait until 12:45 and if the Acela is not set to leave she will put me on the 1pm.  I make sure to ask if there will be still room on that.  She said: There is plenty of room.  Now, almost 12:45pm the announcement says the Acela has been canceled.  I go to the counter, not waiting in line and going straight to the girl from before.  When she tried to put me on the 1pm, she says: “oh, it is sold out!”.    I think at this point I have tears rolling down my face.  She feels my pain and is talking to co-workers and supervisors to see what can be done.  All of a sudden after a phone call to someone she says that the Acela is back on.

What Amtrak ended up doing was combining both trains in the 1 pm.  There wasn’t enough room, so take a guess who had to ride standing until the next station? At the next station people left and seats became available.  That station happened to be my town,  where I had started my trip 3 and a half hours early.  Yes, it was tempting to just get off the train and go home.

It all seemed like a never ending comedy, where the only not laughing was me!

My tears at the Amtrak counter were not about wasting money and time, or ripping my favorite pair of NYDJ jeans,  but about my lack of attention and care.  I tend to be an airhead, careless and klutzy.  I think I cannot waste a minute, and try to pack as much as I can on my day.  All I do is talk about the need to pay more attention to my surroundings and to be in the moment, but no changes have been made.  When am I going to start?  This quirk of mine used to be cute – on Saturday not so much!

At times I do think I suffer of overconfidence.

At the end of the day,  my trip was successful.  I went to Boston to help a friend choose a wedding dress.  That was accomplished, she has a dress now and she was extremely appreciative of my being there to help her choose it.

Now, for the wedding in September I think I will be driving! 🙂

“How could I have been so ignorant? she thinks. So stupid, so unseeing, so given over to carelessness. But without such ignorance, such carelessness, how could we live? If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you’d be doomed. You’d be as ruined as God. You’d be a stone. You’d never eat or drink or laugh or get out of bed in the morning. You’d never love anyone, ever again. You’d never dare to.” 
― Margaret Atwood