“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

G and I are still seeing each other but I am really not sure it is going to work.  It seems that we are both trying to make things work but our lives don’t quite seem to mesh together.   At times it seems we are trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

I have been trying to keep an open mind.  At times I can be critical and picky and I have been trying my hardest not to do that.  I am being successful but at what cost?

I think he is a great guy, and I believe he thinks I am a great girl.  We both believe that together we would make an amazing couple.  Can mutual admiration make for a good relationship?

In reality I think I am the one trying harder to fit in his world.  I feel I am doing more of the compromising.  Perhaps if he is asked that same question he may say he is the one trying harder.  I am not sure I would be completely happy in his world and he would probably not be happy in mine.  The ideal would be to bridge the gap and make a whole new world.  It is proving difficult.  At this point we are both set in our ways and our routines, so trying to merge our lives is very hard.

My Ex comes to mind.  He lived the same distance, one hour from me, he had his life set there, and so I dropped everything and moved in with him. For 3 years his life was my life.  I don’t regret any of that for a single moment but it doesn’t mean I want to repeat the same story again.

I could easily list 5 instances where something he did was not to my liking.  There was nothing terrible, but little details here and there that starts adding up.  Moments where he chose cheapness instead of niceness.

I am practical and don’t waste money.  I much prefer to save than to spend.  He seems to take frugality to a whole different level.  I am not sure I am ready for that.  I am not sure I want that.

He thinks about the environment, about health and about saving money 100% time.  It seems to dictate his life.  While it is admirable, it may not be for me.  He pays attention to the use of electricity, water, to the price of everything. I try to conserve but it doesn’t rule my life.

I appreciate that he is very environmentally conscious not wanting to waste anything and wanting to leave the smallest footprint.  But being that way 100% of the time and with me this early in the relationship seems just petty and cheap.

He is also very much into his art at this moment.  While I admire that passion and drive, I think he is forgetting about me.  He is forgetting that we are beginning this relationship and it requires effort and dedication too.

We live 1 hour away but it seems so much longer than that.   We seem to be dying to see each other, but after we are together for a while it seems we are dying to get back to our own lives.  He expressed something like that when he dropped me off this evening after we spent Friday night and all day Saturday together.  I asked him if he wanted to come in and I would order pizza and he could have dinner with my sister and I.  He said: “I just want to be done with it”.  I said: ouch! I think he realized that he actually spoke out loud and quickly added that he wanted to get back home to have a beer and cigar.  On one hand I understand wanting to relax at the end of the day.  On the other I don’t understand not wanting to spend more time together.  Especially since he did have the entire Sunday to relax.

We spent the whole day Saturday looking for materials for his art.   It was hot and tiring, but I was a trooper, and now he makes it seem it is too much to spend 1 hour just relaxing and eating pizza with my sister and I.

And that is another point.  So far it seems what we do most is spend the time in nature, sea shores and river edges looking for raw materials.  While I love nature and I want to be supportive of his art, I don’t want to do only that every weekend.

I listen intently when he talks about his art and about his interest in real estate investing. I give my opinion. I ask questions.  I am genuinely interested. But when I talk about my writing, or about mosaics, he just listens and doesn’t ask any questions or adds anything to the conversation. It seems I am more interested in his life than he is in mine.

I appreciate that he is not fake, doesn’t play games or tells me sweet little lies, but I would hope that he could somehow muster a little more interest in my life.

He does tell me all the time that he thinks I am wonderful and I am exactly what he has been looking for.  But I am not sure his actions are telling me that.

The affection is there now, and is trying to show me that, so that area is no longer a complaint. There is a lot of chemistry and we love to be in each other’s arms, but that doesn’t seem to be enough.

Even though I really thought he could be the one, I no longer lead with my heart and my body. I am letting my mind assist me in the search for a partner. I think we both realize that no matter how much we want this to work, there is a chance that may not.

I have given 100% and I don’t want to give up just yet…

Ps. This was written Sunday morning.  He texted me as usual Saturday night and Sunday morning but then just went quiet.  I didn’t prod or question the silence.  I could write, I know, but at this point I rather leave the ball in his court and wait.  Perhaps he is doing the same.

It is now 10 am Monday and we haven’t texted each other yet.  This is totally uncharacteristically for us. I am sure he is surprised I haven’t made an attempt to connect or send a little emoji or meme.  I think I am officially done with all the trying. Is this the end?

Stay tuned…

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come 
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way 
you purse your lips
then let them part, 
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy 
of how you whisper 
“more” 
― Rumi