Zinful Sangria

“Looking at the past is like lolling in a rocking chair. It is so relaxing and you can rock back and forth on the porch, and never go forward. ” ― Martha Graham, Blood Memory

Last night I met someone that I had dated for a few months 7 years ago.  Even though we were compatible and had fun the relationship ended because he mentioned that his family would not accept me because I was 10 years older than he was. I appreciated his honesty but I felt offended and decided to stop seeing him.

This week we reconnected on LinkedIn and decided to have dinner together.  I knew before meeting that I had no interest in revisiting the past and this was just going to be a platonic relationship.  I have a feeling that he thought it could be more since we are both single at this time.

“A ship does not sail with yesterday’s wind.” ― Louis L’Amour, The Walking Drum

We went to a Latin Fusion restaurant and the food and drinks were delicious.  We talked like old friends.  He did not recall the breakup the way that I did.  He now says that the age difference is meaningless.  As the evening wore on I confirmed my feelings of not wanting to revive a relationship.

But here is my big mistake: We kissed at the end of the evening, not only once but a bunch of times.  I am not sure what I was doing/thinking.  I knew I didn’t want anything with him, but I am guessing I was curious to see if there were any sparks left. There weren’t enough and still I kept kissing him.  Today I am totally embarrassed and angry at myself for leading him on. I need to make sure not to repeat this stupidity!

It is amazing how something that seems so good at one point now feels completely wrong for me.  What did I see in him? He is a nice guy and all, but that is it.  I guess the 10 year age difference is now even more apparent. We are at two different places in life.

“It’s important not to be embarrassed by your past. The contradictions are part of what we are.” ― Richey Edwards

The worst part is that because of the kissing this guy now thinks we should date again. I am going to wait for when he asks me out again, then I will tell him how I feel. I am hoping that after a few days has passed he will feel the same way I do.

I had no business seeing this person again as I don’t think that we will really add anything to each other’s lives going forward.  Also it was one of those relationships that are unremarkable and I really didn’t feel that there was anything left to be said or asked so I am not sure why I wanted to see him again.  Sheer curiosity I guess!

Lessons learned! Leave the past in the past.  Embrace the future, new things and people. Make new mistakes! Stop being such a flirt.  I smile too much, talk too much, get too familiar too quick.  Excessive friendliness can lead people on.

“No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That’s all.” ― Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: 24 Stories

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“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
― George Bernard Shaw

An update on my last post regarding the guy that I will name “The Snuggler”: I said I would not date him again and guess what?  We went to dinner and dancing on Saturday.  I guess this change of mind is my effort to be more open minded and give people a chance.  It is also a testament to his tenacity.

It was a lot fun! He said sorry about the “miscommunication” and behaved impeccably.  We danced to everything from Latin to Hip Hop. I love dancing!

Then on Sunday he called and asked if I wanted to meet him at a park near his home.  He takes his dog swimming there. (I love people that loves animals). I chose not to go.  I wonder if my unwillingness to drive 40 minutes to meet him means that I am not that interested.

Well, I guess I am guarded and taking my time. This week we texted a couple of times.  I am not sure what will happen if he asks me out again.  I will see how I feel at that moment. Perhaps the realization that I am totally indifferent about him asking me out again or not is a good clue to how I feel about him.

“I find I am much prouder of the victory I obtain over myself, when, in the very ardor of dispute, I make myself submit to my adversary’s force of reason, than I am pleased with the victory I obtain over him through his weakness.” ― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays