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“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

Am I getting a friend with benefit? Have I become that person?  .. Well not quite, but inching closer.

I broke a record last night. I had 4 drinks. I had 3 passion fruit mojitos and 1 frozen cosmopolitan. I don’t think I ever had that many drinks in one single evening before but in my defense we started at 5 pm, so it was in the course of a long night. I have never gotten drunk in my life, and yesterday was no exception. I didn’t even feel tipsy.

Getting up at 5:45am this morning after going to bed after midnight was no fun. However I am so completely happy. I needed that night out. I needed to let my hair down. I needed to get caught in the rain. I needed to feel alive.

Last night I met my doctor friend at the Pampano Restaurant in NYC. This is where we went last time we got together. That last time was an impromptu dinner date. I had been to his office and he had asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. We walked around NYC until we stumbled into Pampano. We were happy we did. So when he asked me if I wanted to return there I happily said yes. I had been dreaming about their passion fruit mojitos.

We had been talking about getting together since that last time. He seemed eager to see me. All of a sudden his texting seemed to have more kissing icons and then there was his calling me love and sweetie. Was he always like that and I just only now noticed? At any rate I just joined in, welcoming the attention.

We met at 5pm and sat at the bar for about 1 hour then we moved upstairs to have dinner. We love everything about that place. The food, the service, everything was impeccable. We had fish for every course, halibut, tuna and groper. We enjoyed them all. For dessert we had the Mexican chocolate cake and it was so yummy.  He also had Mexican coffee and I had a couple of sips of that.  I had never tried it before and it was surprisingly good and stronger than all of the other drinks.

Besides a quick 5 minutes on how I am doing with my gluten free diet (poorly) and taking my vitamins (better), we mostly talked about life and being in the moment.  Contrary to the last time we were there, this time included a lot of flirting. I knew and he knew that kissing was a just a matter of time. It happened right before the dessert. I got up to go to the ladies room and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I kissed him again upon returning to the table.

When we left the restaurant we decided to walk around the area and find a cute bar to go into. It started to drizzle and we just walked in the rain holding hands and stopping to kiss at times.

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” – Walt Whitman

I was in the moment, truly enjoying every second of it. The attention, the alcohol, the kissing, the rain, everything contributed to make it all perfect.

I know we are not a couple and I know we will not be a couple. Nothing has changed, and I am okay with that. In fact, I want that. I don’t want things to change. I want to remain friends.

It is hard to explain. I like him. He likes me. We have deep, amazing conversations. He challenges me and I challenge him. He lets me know when I am not being in the moment or when I let my ego get in the way of things. I point out when he is not behaving as he preaches. We have similar ideas about life and what we want to do now and upon retirement. We are both so grateful and incredibly aware of the blessings we have been given.  Somehow all of that doesn’t seem enough to make a romantic relationship work. Actually, not even that. All that is not enough for him to want a relationship with me.

In the past I questioned that.  I didn’t ask him.  I spend time trying to figure that out.  As I mentioned before, we attempted dating in the past, around 3 years ago. I was more into him than he was into me, or perhaps into being in a relationship. When he disappeared I understood that he didn’t want anything serious. I was upset for a little bit but decided to get over it. When he came back, I welcomed him back as a friend. We didn’t talk about his disappearance, we also didn’t resume the romance part of it. It was strictly friends. Until last night.

I see now that in the past I took things personally, trying to find a fault, a reason why he didn’t want to continue dating. I am no longer even curious about that. I realize things are just as they should be. Even though on paper and on a date here and there we may look perfect together I think that we could never make it far as a couple.

Last night we added kissing to our friendship. I know that it may blur the lines or make things messy but I think I can handle it. Somehow, and perhaps foolishly, I believe we both can just have this kissing every now and then not affect or change anything. Of course everything remains to be seen.

“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” – Kurt Vonnegut

I just need to make sure that kissing is all that there will ever be. Sex creates drama and casual sex is not for me. I know myself and know I would get emotionally attached.  I would have expectations.

To finish the evening we walked into a place called Lips. It turned out to be a Drag Queen show place. It was towards the end of the show but we still got to see the host telling some jokes, and then Mary J. Blige and Lady Gaga. It was so much fun. The place was very welcoming the moment we walked in. I would definitely return.

After that we took an Uber to where he had parked his car and he drove me home.

I love that I have no expectations and that I am perfectly fine with things the way they are. I will definitely see him again, perhaps for dinner or brunch, perhaps with kissing or without it. Maybe next week, or in a few months.  And it will be fine and enjoyable.

It is wonderful to discover that I can change.  That I can be accepting. That I can be okay with living on surprises and having no expectations. I feel stronger emotionally.  Things can be more than black and white. The present moment can actually be better than the expectations I have for the future.

Here is to blurring lines and being okay with it!

“Don’t live the same day over and over again and call that a life. Life is about evolving mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.” – Germany Kent