Tag Archives: looking for miracles

powerless…

23 Tuesday Feb 2021

Posted by in Daily Life

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This is post about death. If you are not comfortable with that subject please stop reading.

On Thursday I was on the office phone with my Mom, happily talking to her about the skiing trip that I had planned for today.  My sister and I, and a couple of friends, were going to spend Sunday and Monday at Camelback mountain in Pennsylvania.  It was my sister’s first time on skis, so we were super excited.  We were also looking forward to the feeling of being free.

My cell phone rang and it was my friend A.  I answered and asked if I could call her right back.  She said: “no, my daughter is dead”.

I felt as if I had been punched on the stomach.  Her neighbor came on the line and gave me the grim details. My friend A. had just found her 24 year old daughter dead from an overdose.

I hung up and went back to my mom, that had been waiting on the line.  At that moment I didn’t know how to give her such news, so I lied.  I said: “Please pray for A’s daughter, she is not doing well”. 

I paced back and forth a for a minute, feeling momentarily lost.  Then I put my coat on and walked to her house.  I got there as 3 detectives were leaving.  They told me my friend was inside.

A. was surrounded by a couple of friends that I hadn’t met before.  She was repeating to herself that her daughter was dead and she was a bad mother.  My heart broke for her.  The women that were there started to say a prayer.  She ran out of the house.  I ran after her.

I caught up with her.  I said the usual platitudes, not knowing exactly what to say.  We just walked up and down the street for awhile. 

What could I have said that would have made any difference?  At that point I don’t think that she was even capable of hearing anything.

She alternated from silence to admonishing herself.  She didn’t really let herself cry until much later.  I stayed with her until later in the evening.  I left when additional friends and family arrived.

“Death is not the end
Death can never be the end.

Death is the road.
Life is the traveller.
The Soul is the Guide

…

Our mind thinks of death.
Our heart thinks of life
Our soul thinks of Immortality”

― Sri Chinmoy

The next day, I went with her to the funeral home. Because of Covid they were only allowing 2 people to be there. The family asked me to go. 

The girl had mentioned to her sister and friends that she wanted to be cremated.   The mother didn’t want that but, after a lot thought, decided to abide by her wishes.  

There had been a lot back and forth amongst the family as to the issue of burial or cremation. Some family members also felt the mother had to see her daughter one last time to say good bye.  They, themselves, wanted to see her and say a last good bye.

It turned out that no one could see her. An autopsy is being performed and then cremation.  In these situations, there is what we think happens, what we think it should happen, and then there is what actually happens.

So many people, well intentioned, had a lot of advice to give.  The mother was confused and second-guessing herself.  My advise, as in any situation, is to pray asking for guidance.

I said to A., as I say to all, follow your heart.  Unfortunately, now is the time for acceptance. We can only do so much, and the rest we need to accept.  She needs to make the decisions she can live with it.  

She has already gone through so much. I am not listing here all her hardships, as I feel I would be invading her privacy.  Trust me, even before this tragedy, I often said to her: “I don’t know how you do it”.

She had tried so hard to save her daughter.  In the end, nothing could have saved her, but herself.

How does one convince a mother that all is going to be okay? What is okay for a mother that lost her child?  Nothing will ever be the same, and yet life has to go on.  Normal has now another meaning for her.

I continue to believe that after every tragedy there are miracles. I will forever look for them.

Cherish life! It is fleeting.

… and as I write this, I just learned that the brother of a lady I know, a successful married father, jumped from a bridge to his death…

the feeling of powerlessness and sadness attempts to take over as I search for rainbows and miracles. I pray. I hope. No matter what.

“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.”
― Charles bukowski

 

I am afraid!

01 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Talking politics is something I avoid at all costs, but I cannot be silent about my feelings.  This opinion is based on my experience of being a woman and an immigrant.  I don’t expect people to agree or disagree, but I hope that people can respect it.

Right now I am afraid! I am afraid for me.  I am afraid for the future of the USA.  I am afraid for the world.

I am afraid of the President of the United States of America! This is one thing I thought I would never say.

Please step into my shoes for a moment.

Growing up in Brazil, I, and every other Brazilian saw the US, as this incredible, amazing land.  It was paradise, a dream.  The land of the free and of opportunities.  A land where everything is modern and brand new and anything is possible.  A place where there is crime but there is punishment too.  A place where things work well, lines moves, good work gets rewarded.

Now, when I speak to my family and friends still living in Brazil, they express confusion and concern.  They feel a war is brewing, they fear what it is to come.

I was a dreamy and naive 17 years old when I arrived in the US.  Even though I was supposed to stay a short time I am still here (I have been here now for 33 years).  The US is now my chosen home.

I worked as a live-in nanny, well just saying nanny makes it seem that all I did was take care of a child, which is hard work as it is, but I did much more.  I did everything, I cooked, I cleaned, took care of the kids, grocery shopped, anything that was needed in the home I did.  The days were long and at the end of day I would stay up and pour over grammar and vocabulary books.

Nothing was easy or handed free to me.  I was willing to work hard.  I knew that with hard work I could have anything I wanted.  Unlike in Brazil,  where hard work is seldom rewarded.

Eventually I went to school in the evening and learned English in ESL classes.  Then I attended  college in the evenings and on weekends while working various jobs to pay for it.   I graduated with honors and student loans (which have been paid off a long time ago).

I never the typical college experience.  I was never a typical teenager.  Everything was about work and school.  And it was choice to have led such a life.  A choice that today I wear with pride.  Every step was difficult but so well worth!  So celebrated!

I never collected a single day of unemployment or welfare. That is not to say that I don’t agree with people collecting it.  I think that everyone that needs that extra help should use for as long it is available and necessary.  I just want to illustrate that there is another side to immigration.  Not everyone is here illegally and abusing government programs.   Immigrants can be assets.  I am a valuable asset.  I pay more taxes than all my american born friends.  And yet at this point in time I feel picked on.

But even if someone is here illegally, as I was for a few years until my papers were finally approved and I received a green card, they deserve respect as human beings.  That is what we all are.  All humans beings fighting for the same thing:  a better future for our families.  We are all just trying to keep our head above water.  We breath the same air and all aspire love and happiness.

I am in favor of screening people and making sure the country is safe.  I am in favor of protecting borders (but not in favor of a wall).  I think we need an amnesty to legalize undocumented aliens that are already living here for many many years working and raising their families.  I know people that have been here over 20 years undocumented. Legalizing them, making them count and accountable would generate a huge amount in taxes. It would stop many employers from paying their employees under the table.

I don’t have all the answers.  Actually I don’t have any answers.  I have ideas, I have wants, I have choices, I have freedoms, and I want to continue having them.  I choose love and respect always.  For me and for others.  One of my wish for Trump is to choose love and respect.

I, never, in my 32 years here feared the President.  Now I do.  I think we all should.  Too much autonomy and a huge ego is not a good combination.  His actions seem to be more vindictive and vengeful and intent on proving his might than being for the betterment of the country and the population.

When Trump starts picking on segments of people, and banning countries in general I get scared.  When Trump blocks people that have legally applied and waited for years to enter the US and sends them back without any regard to the hardships they have encountered to make such journey something is wrong and needs to be looked at.  We all lose.

My sister has been waiting for her green card for the past 12 years.  Her number has finally reached the front of the line and she should be able to enter the country in a few months.  Of course Brazil is not on the banned list, so many would say I have nothing to worry about it, but still I worry.  She will be another green card holder and perhaps at the mercy of the president’s mood and decision.  What if Zika was still making headlights?

With a moody president that thinks he can do what he pleases no one is safe. I don’t put anything past Trump, and that is what is scary.  This free reign, this ruling with a heavy hand.

When we start generalizing and dividing segments of the population we all lose.  We all as human beings start losing our freedoms. Little by little we have less rights.  Little by little our neighbors become our enemies.  Little by little is okay to discriminate people.  It is divisive!  It gives bullies the green light to do whatever they please.  He is a school bully that has just been handed the keys to the entire school.

Trump running for president: What a funny joke it was. haha look at his ego, like he could ever win.

Then he won!

We fell asleep at the wheel. We let things cloud our vision and all of a sudden here he is: The President of the United States of America. The highest seat in the world. How? Why?  What now?

I am a patriot, I am an eternal hopeful.  I am willing to give him a chance but I am scared.  In fact I am terrified.

Still I firmly believe that with great tragedies come great miracles.  I believe in the power of God, I believe in the goodness of people, I believe in love.

Everything I have I owe to this country, and that I never forget!

I wanted with this post illustrate my feelings and perhaps present a different perspective from someone with a different background.  In the end we all want the same: have our voices heard, our work appreciated, our families safe, our rights respected and our freedoms intact.

If you voted for Trump I understand your frustration, but don’t let that dictate your life.

Love and blessings to all no matter what!

(I am not going to re-read this otherwise I will never publish, but in doing so there will be typos and mistake so please forgive me.)