Tags
becoming a victim, controlling and manipulative, making excuses for others, on and off, rollercoaster relationship, setting boundaries, the beginnings of an abusive relationship, up and down
Below is the text that B sent after I didn’t reply to: “Boy you don’t waste time”
To say I was shocked is an understatement. I was speechless. This guy needs mental help, was my first thought. He created this whole narrative that I didn’t want to see him, while the truth is I had changed things around to see him.
Who does he think he is talking to? I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but clearly he is delusional. So I chose silence.
In a way I am happy. All of a sudden I realized that I was getting into an abusive relationship. He showers me with flowers and compliments, then he flips when I don’t have time to see him . Then he apologizes and promises not to do it again.
There were many instances and things he said; there were many details that gave me pause. I was starting to think that I was imagining things and causing all this drama.
Every time he said or behaved in some way that was unacceptable, he apologized and I gave in. I felt sorry for him, since I felt he loved me so much. I tried to rationalize his behavior. This is what victims of abuse do, they rationalize the other person’s behavior. They start making excuses for the other person. They forget about their own feelings and wants.
In this whole short lived relationship I knew something was off. My gut, my instinct were telling me that something was off. I tried to make this relationship work. From the beginning B and I didn’t speak the same language. He didn’t seem to understand or grasp all I was saying. I ignored it and thought that it would get better.
There seemed to be always suspicion on his part. Some kind of paranoia, always saying I was choosing someone else. When he insisted on seeing me when I couldn’t, he would say: “Is it bad that I am crazy about you, and want to see you more often?”
My answer was always: ” Yes, when it is suffocating me.”. And it was. Still he didn’t change.
He seemed to act out, be moody, lash out on text, anytime I was not available. In person he was the sweetest and would apologize for being so demanding of my time, and would say he will do better. I believed it.
I am relieved to be getting off of this rollercoaster. I am wiser now to certain manipulative behaviors in name of love. Love should never be an excuse to accept damaging behavior.
“Make sure you’re not saying ‘It’s complicated’ when it’s actually TOXIC. The more words it takes you to explain your relationship, the less healthy it probably is.” ―
What I learned:
- When someone shows you who they are, trust them the first time. Don’t make excuses for the person and don’t accept subpar treatment. Bad behavior only escalates.
- If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit, move on. Don’t force a relationship because it seems so potentially good, or because those around you think it is perfect for you.
- Listen to your gut and don’t be so quick to ignore signs. I brushed off certain details that gave me pause. I thought I was being picky.
- Don’t be blinded by the attention, the potential and the flowers. Look at the actions and behavior.
Often at the end of any of my relationships, short or long lived, I always feel I didn’t say all I needed to say. This time is different. I said all I needed to say many times over, but clearly he is incapable of understanding.
If I could make him understand anything at this point, it would be that he needs help. For now, if he comes to mind I say a silent prayer to him. May he find the help and understanding he needs.
****
After that text on May 8, I blocked him. Then reached out on May 10 on WhatsApp. I thought I had blocked him there also, but clearly I had not as yesterday (May 14) he send me an additional one. He is now blocked on both. I am not tempted to hear from him or reach him. I am indifferent.
My story with him is officially over, but the lessons will remain forever.
This is a caution to everyone out there. No one is immune from falling into an abusive relationship. I consider myself smarter than most when it comes to dating, and still I was falling victim to mental abusive and manipulation. Why did I keep giving him second chances?
These types of behavior only escalates. I was starting to feel powerless. I am so glad that it is over. Now, while in Brazil, I am focusing on taking care of my parents, going to Pilates daily, and working.
The search continues.
“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”
― Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
miaross514 said:
I can relate to this. I have to admit, I saw some red flags in your posts from when I first started reading your blog. I don’t interfere with others relationships because I never know all the details. I am glad that you saw them yourself and are safe. Nobody deserves to be in that kind of relationship. Only you know your worth and value. Nobody should be allowed to diminish your shine. I learned that lesson the hard way myself. Now I understand what love is. I still struggle with being loved by someone else and loving that person but I know what I deserve. You deserve to be loved and cherished. You deserve the best in life. Hugs.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Mia
Looking back I see all the red flags I missed, or chose to miss. I guess I wanted the relationship to work so bad that I ignored a lot.
You are right. I deserve better and will not settle.
Thank you for the beautiful and kind words! Blessings!
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Kat said:
He had various options to express how much he’d rather be with you that night, and how much he missed you, and he undoubtedly chose the hurtful path out of all.
He could’ve dealt with his ‘hurt’, a different way. They call it ‘the mature way’ for a reason.
Children, kick and scream if they want something at that very moment, that is unattainable to them. Hence, they are children, and haven’t developed other ways to deal with life’s dissatisfactions. But for an adult man, to blow a gasket (over text), the way this man behaved, shows, not only, the level of this man’s maturity, but how insecure and (sad) he is inside.
You mentioned ‘he needs help’. I personally second that. And let’s hope, he gets it.
I even feel sorry for his daughter, growing up around such dysfunctional role model, but that’s a story we can’t get into.
Yet again, you have proven over and over, you are a wise, strong, and intelligent woman. And you will look back at this relationship, and feel lucky, you weren’t to be indefinitely trapped into it! Can you imagine?! I can’t!
You are well. You are whole. You are a ‘good’ person inside. And sooooo many other wonderful attributes I wish to list. You came out of this dysfunctional relationship unscathed. That, is very fortunate. As the more time, you’d have wasted on such sad man, would have been just that (wasted). Life is waiting for you…You are ready for what to come, and no matter what, it’ll be great.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Kat,
Thank you so much for this very insightful comment. I second everything you said.
I still cannot understand how a 65 year old man can behave in such way. I kept thinking that perhaps it was just the newness of the relationship and that it would get better. It only gets worst.
I do think about his daughter, and feel sorry for her. I can only imagine how to they communicate.
I do feel very lucky and blessed that I am now free, learned some lessons and will keep trying.
I also feel lucky for having you as a friend!
Thank you and blessings to you!
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catterel said:
Glad for you that you have escaped. Maybe you are a person who is happiest not in a committed relationship? Life has so much else to offer.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Indeed!! It a relief to be alone again.
Unless it is with the right person, a relationship is not worth it.
Thank you and blessings!
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Dave said:
First and foremost, you are courageous for sharing this relationship start-to-finish with your readers, Ana, and I thank you for that. I admire your willingness to be so vulnerable in front of your readers. Second, B is a terrible example for the better men out there; the ones you can trust and respect because they offer unconditional love. This is what B may never understand: true love is unconditional. It is what you want, need, and deserve. Good on you for taking the high road as you wrapped up this relationship. I sense you’re already content and ready to move on because you have no regrets with your behavior and your words.
Unconditional love awaits you going forward; I’m sure of it.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Dave,
Thank you for appreciating my openness and honesty here. I choose to reveal it all here because I believe it may be of help to someone else. Also, I get so much comfort and support from you guys; it replenishes me and it gives me strength.
The high road is always the better road for me.
I am ready to move on, and will get back to online dating when I get back to NY.
Thank you for the support and kind words! Blessings!
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Andi said:
Wow. Holy Cow. So glad he’s history. Clearly, he’s a toxic man. Thanks for sharing your lesson with us. Toxicity and abuse run rampant in our world. I’ve had my share of hard lessons. Wanting something so bad and overlooking red flags. My best to you, dear friend. 💕☀️Brighter days are on the horizon. Hugs.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Andi,
I do feel I dodged a bullet.
It is easy to ignore red flags and immature behavior when you think that you have found the perfect relationship. That is what I did, but I have learned my lesson.
Moving on to brighter days, thank you for the good wishes! Blessings!
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Writer of Words, etc said:
Oh Ana, you are so intelligent and smart to put this experience into words. I hope it resonates with people. I learned some things from you about human behaviour. This man is extremely jealous and possessive which is not likely to work out for him going forward until he faces up to his troubles. May you be safe and at peace.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Claudette!
I do hope that I may open somebody’s eyes if they are ever in a similar situation.
I shouldn’t have lasted 2 months with him, but I was blinded by the potential. I am not falling for that again.
Thank you for your good wishes!
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Cindy Georgakas said:
oh my Anna Star!
I’m so sorry as I didn’t see this coming at all!
Wow! Such and AH this one is right.
Great lessons learned.. keep the faith!!
💖💖💖🙏🙏😘
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Cindy!
I also would never have guessed that he would turned out to be this kind of person.
Exactly, lessons learned and moving on!
Blessings!
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Cindy Georgakas said:
he blindsided ALL OF US!!!
LIKE I SAID FROM THE GET GO….
NEXT !!!! 💖💖💖
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A Star on the Forehead said:
indeed! online dating here I go again!! 🙂
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Cindy Georgakas said:
Damn Girl!
You are awesome and no grass will grow under your feet! 💖
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A Star on the Forehead said:
hahaha I have no time to waste
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Cindy Georgakas said:
exactly! 💖👏
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utesmile said:
I can’t believe his language. He was certainly controlling and not understanding. If someone truly loves you that person would understand that your family/Brazil are important. No one will ditch their family or friends for one person. I did find him too wanting. So good you blocked him and continue the searhc for a real understnading guy.
Best of luck Ana. Good it is over. Big hugs!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Ute!
Indeed, real love understands and do not pressure. His constant wanting to be a priority while I said that my family, at this point, came first, was both annoying and it made me feel pressured.
I am so relived to be free, and already ready to move on.
Thank you for the good wishes!
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Cassa Bassa said:
“I am wiser now to certain manipulative behaviors in name of love. ” Spot on Ana.
When I read the first 2 parts of this update, I chatted with my partner and get to see the perspective of B. My perception was that you didn’t love him enough to put him as a priority which is ok because you communicated that with him so there was no deception. Then after reading this post, especially the texts, clearly he is self absorbed and take no responsibility on his own behaviour and the damage he does to you (another human being). There is no place to speak to another person like that. It shows his true colour – a sore loser.
I thank God for the trip so you are given this protective space. May peace restored for you, and may God repair every crack and mark on your heart.
Lots of love 💖
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much Cassa!
You made very good points here. I never liked him as much as he liked me, that is a fact; but even if I did, he would not come first at this point. His texts showed me his true colors indeed, and I am blessed that he exposed himself early on.
I hadn’t thought of that, but this trip is indeed a protective space. This time and space will definitely give me a chance to reflect on the lessons and find peace. I am looking forward to going back restored.
Thank you for the great insight, support and good wishes! Blessings!
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Cassa Bassa said:
💚💞
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gc said:
Consider yourself fortunate that you ended this relationship. You are young enough so that this type of “emotional manipulation” and obvious guilt tripping will not make you a self imposed prisoner of love.
However add 29 years to your age and you will be in the type of situation where fear of being alone and allowing such behavior will take on a new slant. I know a woman in her mid 70s who finds herself making excuses for her companions behavior.
He is always apologizing, promising her he will change and admits he loves her deeply and cannot live without her. He is not divorced, severly critiques her lufestyle and has recently started to be jealous of the puppy she acquired.
He wants her to mive in with him. She refuses to do that. She keeps him around because he does things for hervaround her hiuse. This is the same character whom she confided recently she cannot stand having him visit.
A prisiner if live, loneliness and old age.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi GC,
I do consider myself very fortunate and blessed indeed. It could have been really worst if we had been dating for awhile. These types of relationships are very hard to let go.
I am sorry the woman you mentioned is involved into this kind of relationship. I know some people that cannot let go of dysfunctional relationships for the fear of being alone. He is even jealous of her puppy? What a nightmare. May she find the strength to let go of him.
Thank you for sharing and many blessings to you!
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dfolstad58 said:
I am sorry but I have missed some posts I think. Reading this today I felt chilled inside. I am glad you are away and safe. I am glad you have learned more. I think women have to have spidey senses or something and be cautious. Sorry this happened to you. I feel sad a little that this kind of stuff happens and I can understand how it can lead to distrust of all men in general. — David
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi David,
Thank you for caring! I dodged a bullet and learned a lesson. I am wiser now to certain behavior and won’t be blinded by flowers so easily next time.
I want to remain open and trusting, but it is hard when it is so difficult to distinguish the good from the bad.
Blessings to you!
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doubledacres said:
Smart move on your part. So glad you got enough of his BS and didn’t get tangled up in his craziness. You don’t need his negativity in your life. Don’t give up on finding that perfect somebody to be with.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hello,
Craziness is a correct description. You are right, I don’t need the craziness, negativity and all his BS!
I will never give up, for better or worse, I will continue searching.
Thank you and blessings to you!
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Happy Panda said:
I’ve been reading your posts and I truly did feel like something was off with B. The last two parts made it all too obvious! I felt like I was reliving a relationship I had with an ex (which might have turned physically abusive but I left at the first signs of it). I am so glad that it is over cause you don’t want to be investing time into something that is so mentally draining.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Happy Panda,
It was indeed mentally draining having a conversation with him. I was already questioning the relationship before he started showing his true colors. I don’t think it would become physical, but then again, one never knows. I am just glad he is in the past now.
Thank you for the kind words and blessings to you!
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The V Pub said:
Sigh. I could’ve saved you from all of this if only you believed in my cat theory. But, in all seriousness, you are fortunate that it didn’t go on longer, or the degree in difficulty to extricate yourself from this relationship would’ve been more difficult. Onwards and upwards!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
hahaha, I was waiting for the “I told you so” lol I should have listened!
But really, you make a good point, had it lasted longer, it would become increasingly more difficult to get him out of my life. I got luck!
Next! No cats please!
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Cassa Bassa said:
What is the cat theory?
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A Star on the Forehead said:
For some reason I don’t like to see dating profiles of men with cats.
Rob agrees that I should stay away from them. B has a cat and from the beginning Rob kept reminding of that fact. I ignored him and we all know how that turned out.
All in fun of course!
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Cassa Bassa said:
The little things bug us…Miao…
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Cassa Bassa said:
*meow
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I got it, in Portuguese is miau 🙂
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Cassa Bassa said:
Miau..😄
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The V Pub said:
Never trust a single male who has cats 😀
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A Star on the Forehead said:
That was a better explanation lol
and I learned my lesson!
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Cassa Bassa said:
Is that the dog person speaking???
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A Star on the Forehead said:
lol
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The V Pub said:
Indeed! Lol
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chattykerry said:
Run, Ana, run! I didn’t spot the red flags like some of your friends did but I thought it was strange that he begrudged time with your mother. Those incredibly rude and confusing texts reveal his true character. Sending you a hug. K x
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I ran all the way to Brazil lol
Being jealous of my time with my mom should have been enough for me to see that he was not for me. I ignored those clear signs, but I am glad that I am free now.
Blessings!
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chattykerry said:
That’s a long way to run but there is nothing like being with your family in times of stress. Glad that you are moving on. K x
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DutchIl said:
Thank you for sharing!!.. I believe I had mentioned a few post back that he seemed a bit possessive, it appears it is a good thing you went your separate ways… rather than venture out for the purpose of finding that special someone, perhaps just venture out (being you) to enjoy the moment and Que Sera Sera… “While you’re busy looking for the perfect person, you’ll probably miss the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy” (Author Unknown) … 🙂
Hope life is all that you wish for it to be and until we meet again..
May flowers always line your path
and sunshine light your way,
May songbirds serenade your
every step along the way,
May a rainbow run beside you
in a sky that’s always blue,
And may happiness fill your heart
each day your whole life through.
(Irish Saying)
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Larry!
I do believe you have mentioned him being possessive before. I ignored it, thinking, he just likes me a lot. I was already justifying and making excuses for him.
For now I am focusing on my family and getting stuff done while I am here in Brazil. I am in no hurry, but I will go back to dating very soon.
Thank you for the wisdom, and blessings to you!
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Wendy said:
Good riddance. You are better off without that idiot. Onward and Upward.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
That is right!!
Thank you Wendy! Blessings to you!
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lillyevechristie said:
Run, and don’t look back, there is definitely something wrong with him, his personality flip-flops and I believe his behaviour would have escalated, I am sorry you had to go through this, but you are wise enough to have seen him for what he is before you got in any deeper. One wonders if there even was a dead wife? we recently hired a girl here who would come out with the most unbelievable dramas in her life, after a while we discovered she had killed off her Mother twice, her Grandmother 3 times, her dog, and it was all lies for attention!!!! none of the above were dead, and I sent flowers to her!! we can all be taken in by plausible people. Enjoy Brazil, tomorrow is another day. xxxxx
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Lilly,
I am so glad to be away from him. His behavior was definitely escalating… it is scary to think how it would get months from now.
I think the dead wife was real, but I believe he used her death for attention and pity.
Wow, you even sent flowers for a make believe death!! It is crazy what people do for attention.
Thank you and definitely there will be bigger and better things for me in the future!
Blessings!
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cathyishappy said:
So glad you are out of this relationship. I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s so hard to see the truth. You are so right when you say ‘when they show you who they are the first time, believe them’. They will never change. Thank you for sharing your story. The right person will come along
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Cathy,
Thank you for the visit.
Indeed, I have to keep telling myself that over and over again. I, too often, keep giving people the benefit of the doubt, and plenty of second chance
Blessings to you!
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a girl named rob said:
So I’m a new reader (hi!) and have been quietly following this series, thinking “Oh, honey, no.” Just as enthusiasm is an indicator that someone wants you (actual YOU and not their idea of what you SHOULD be), so are patience and respect for your time. Glad this ordeal is over for you.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Rob,
Welcome aboard!
That is a great point! The fact that he couldn’t respect my time with my mom, and have the patience to wait until her visit was over should have been enough for me to realize he was not the person for me. Live and learn!
Thank you for the visit and great comment!
Blessings!
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mariezhuikov said:
Seems like he couldn’t handle not being the center of your world. Good thing you got out!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You are right! When he didn’t respect my time with my mother, it should have been enough of a sign to get out.
Better late than never.
Thank you and blessings to you!
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Pink Ninja said:
Thank you for sharing, and definitely while no relationship is perfect, its about finding your match, and a low maintenance type of guy usually fairs better than one who lashes out when they don’t get their way. I have found it more difficult to date older because they are usually more set in their ways with more issues however each age group has their pros and cons. It’s never easy letting go, even when it’s not the right fit, but good for you for finding the courage to open yourself to something better, healthier, and by far way better than the things you leave behind. 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Pink,
I have missed you!!
You have made good points here. I am finding that also, that is easier to be with men that are younger than me. I thought that older was more mature, but this guy was one of the most immature I have met.
I have to be honest, it was indeed hard to let go of something that seemed perfect at the beginning. But I don’t have time to waste trying to make it fit, when it doesn’t.
Thank you for the visit and great insight!
Blessings!
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kegarland said:
Eek! This is terrible! I’m sorry you went through all of this; it is definitely abusive.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you KE! I am glad to be free!
Blessings!
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hermitsdoor said:
Hmmm. I’ll have to think on these. Meanwhile, I’m caring for my mother too. Peace. -Oscar
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Oscar,
Yes, it is a lot to think about 🙂
A lot work taking care of our elderly. I have a lot respect for you for taking care of your mother.
Blessings!
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cattalespress said:
Hi Ana, A-hole is right! You deserve so much better … the very, very best! 🤍
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Stacy, for the good wishes!
Blessings to you!
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Tails Around the Ranch said:
Bravo to you for (a) recognizing this is a damaging relationship and (b) for expressing it to the damager. Stay well, keep smiling and your heart will heal and sustain your spirit.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
HI Monika,
Thank you so much for the comforting words!
Blessings!
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Larney said:
Everything he called you is exactly what he is! What a psychopath! I’m glad you are ok and that these outbursts were experienced only from texts and not when he was with you. You dodged a stinking bullet there!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Larney,
Indeed, he turned out to be exactly that! I was lucky to get out before things escalated.
Thank you for the support and blessings to you!
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Simone E said:
All I can say is one word “Wow.” How difficult that must have been for you! The constant mind games, the agonizing thoughts, the doubting yourself, and then seeing clearly that there is something very wrong with him!
I commend you for moving on from this toxic relationship. May you find true love very soon ♥️
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Simone,
You described exactly how I felt!! At first I was doubting myself and thinking that I was the one with unresolved issues.
I am glad that it didn’t take too long for him to revel his true colors and for me to actually wake up.
Thank you for the kind words and blessings to you!
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Simone E said:
Yes it certainly sounds so difficult and I’m so glad you’re over it! Oh how lucky you are that you didn’t get to see this side of him when you were farther along in your relationship..
Thanks again for a great post! Looking forward to more 😊
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I am blessed for that! It was only a couple of months and it was already playing tricks on my mind. I was already tempted to keep give him second chances, if it was farther along, it would have been extremely hard to get out.
Thank you for the visit and insight!!
As soon I am back in NY and have more time I will be online dating again, and more adventures will ensue.
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Simone E said:
Yes it does seem like you gave it your all and tried your best to make it work! Looking forward to hearing more in the near future 😊
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Linda Moon said:
This was as if I was reading my own life. You are so brave for putting this out there but like me, written is a form of healing. Thank you for this. Sending much peace and light to your heart 💕🕊💕
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Linda,
Thank you so much for the kind words and good wishes!
This blog and all my friends/readers mean the world to me. Writing is indeed healing, it is sharing, it is joy.
Blessings!
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LaShelle said:
Always trust your gut instincts. I’m so glad that you made the decision to stay silent and walk away. You deserve so much better!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi LaShelle,
Yes, indeed! I am feeling so happy and free now.
Blessings to you!
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LaShelle said:
I love hearing that!! Blessings to you too
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Jess said:
“If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit.” I like that part.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Jess! I need to remind myself often. Too often I want to make things fit, when they don’t 😦
Blessings to you!
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