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“The momentum of the mind can be vexingly, involuntarily capricious.”
― Gregory Maguire, A Lion Among Men

This is a tough post to write.  I didn’t know I could behave as such a bitch.  The night of our second month anniversary I was so moody.

From the moment he picked me up, he couldn’t do anything right.  I had an issue with everything.  I still have not figured it out why I acted in such a way.

I had a problem when:

  • he said that the driver in front of him was too slow and didn’t know how to drive
  • he asked me if he should park in an area that was a mile from the restaurant. (he had no idea where the restaurant was, so he had assumed he was closer)
  • he said that driving in rush hour to a town I mentioned wanting to go at a certain point is crazy
  • he wanted to sit at the bar.  He asked me if the bar was okay, I agreed, but kept thinking he should have remembered I prefer tables.

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but I kept adding things up in my mind.

So I sat there and internally projected and projected. I extrapolated this driving behavior as meaning he doesn’t like going places.   I added the fact that he hates airports and airplanes and I arrived at the conclusion that we are never traveling together. 

For the first hour of the evening he couldn’t stand me.  I couldn’t stand myself. I was closed off, guarded, moody.

I knew what I was doing.  I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know to change.  I couldn’t make myself relax and enjoy the evening.

I think that I may push people that like me just to know how much they can take.  How much do they really like me? As if they need to prove me anything.

Finally, he had enough and said: let’s go.  We left the restaurant and sat in the car. He turned the car on and I knew that I would probably never see him again if he just drove me home.  At least that is what I feared.  I asked him to turn it off.

I had been irrational this whole evening and I knew it. We sat quiet for a little bit while I talked myself out of breaking up.

“You’re human, and you have to reconcile that with yourself somehow. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to feel everything deeply, to grow and learn.” ― Leesa Cross-Smith, This Close to Okay

Eventually we talked.  He wanted to know what was wrong.  I mentioned the traveling situation.  He said he mentioned he doesn’t like airports and such, but it doesn’t mean that he will never travel. 

I apologized for making the evening miserable.  Eventually we got out of the car and walked to a French restaurant, Encore Bistro Français. We proceeded to talk, laugh and have a fun evening. To which he commented: “Why can it be always like this?”.

I am not proud of that behavior.  It is perhaps fear.  Fear of commitment, fear of losing my independence, fear of getting hurt. Fear of settling for the wrong person. Fear of losing me.

Next time I will mention doubts, and questions, as they happen instead of adding them up and making them seem like real problems. I will also try to police myself so I nip bitchy mood in the bud.

I am vowing to push all those fears out of my mind for now, and just take it a day at a time.  I just need to be quiet enough to listen to my heart.  All this mental chatter about the future is making lose the present.

 

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
 
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
 
I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
And I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
 
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won’t mean a thing
 
“The weather and my mood have little connection. I have my foggy and my fine days within me; my prosperity or misfortune has little to do with the matter.” ― Blaise Pascal