Tags
forgive and forget, ghost from the past, master manipulator, narcissistic tendencies, the past that doesn't want to go away
“Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily.” ― All the Pretty Horses
On March 1, 2022 my blog will turn 10 years old. My blog started thanks to a boyfriend that broke my heart.
The pain and betrayal was so great that I thought I would die of a broken heart. One day I think I am living a fairy tale, the next I find out he was cheating. He never acknowledged or apologized. He just, very coldly said: ” I am very busy with all my businesses, it is best you move out”.
Move out I did. He hinted at one day getting back together. I wanted to buy into that, but eventually I wised up and understood the manipulation.
This whole time he has had a girlfriend living with him, and he will still try to reach out.
Last time I saw him was in 2017 when I sold him back the car that he had given me. Here, I describe that day:
https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/07/07/facing-the-one-that-broke-my-heart/
Since then he reaches out to wish my sister and I a happy birthday or a Merry Christmas. I never reply. He doesn’t take the hint. Narcissists and manipulators never do, even if you spell it out for them. One time I replied to him: ” Pretend I am dead”.
This Christmas he texted. I ignored.
Then on New Years, I received the text below. I blocked my sister’s name on it.
It makes no sense. The text would suggest that we have been speaking and that we have a conversation going.
That is him. He creates his own reality. He believes his own stories. Of course I didn’t reply and will not.
I cannot begin to imagine what goes on on his mind, other than the fact that this is what a true manipulator, narcissistic person does. They ignore reality. They believe their own lies and create alternate realities.
I keep in contact with his mother, so I am assuming she told him that I was sick with covid and he thought using a sauna would be good.
I never talk to his mother about him. If she ever mentions anything about him, I just change the subject.
I just wanted to share this craziness here and file this under “What Was He thinking?”
The answer is: Who knows? Who cares?
“MAKING THE LIE MAKE SENSE:
When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.
Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:
• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know
what to do
• The relationship may be over.
Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”
― When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Brothers Campfire said:
That is awful. I am sorry.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much!
It was awful at the time, and for several years after, but, now, it is mostly annoying.
Wishing you a blessed week ♥♥
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Brothers Campfire said:
I have had people in my life that assumed they had control over me and the perception of life they had was exclusively their own.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
good point! People create their own stories and we are merely characters there.
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Brothers Campfire said:
You have a blessed week as well! 🤠🔥
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much! ♥♥
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charliecountryboy said:
How very odd 🤔 and what a strange text, but I guess it’s a strange world generally.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Charlie,
strange world indeed! I thought his text it was crazy, I can imagine what my reader friends think lol
Wishing you a blessed week! ♥♥
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beth said:
i really understand this, as i was with someone for years, who suddenly broke up with me, ‘not sure what do with his life, had to get himself in order, etc…’ . i actually felt a bit bad for him, for his rough childhood, trouble committing, etc.. then – about a week later, i had an epiphany. he must have been cheating to have such a sudden turnaround and wanted to be with the other person. i showed up at his house, made him listen to my thoughts, and expected that he would lie, but i knew anyway. instead, when i presented what i suspected, he immediately responded with, ‘she’s the one who approached me!’ – wow, not prepared for that answer. later, he told me he went along with plans to book a trip together, knowing it would never happen, but not having the guts to say anything. you think so?
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A Star on the Forehead said:
omg Beth, this is similar to what happened in my situation, even to the point of scheduling a trip knowing he wouldn’t go. Except that I made him go on that trip, thinking that we could reconcile. I was living a lie the whole trip. Another exception is that he never acknowledged the cheating.
I was also feeling sorry for him at times, thinking that I was overreacting and imagining stuff! I was not!
We are so much better off, and this whole experience has really made me stronger and wiser, as I am sure you are.
Blessings! ♥♥
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beth said:
Same, same, until I had that epiphany and had no idea he’d admit it, assumed he’d lie.you and I are both better for it all
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A Star on the Forehead said:
May we encounter better guys in the future 🙂
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beth said:
p.s. hope you are feeling better
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Beth! Blessings! ♥♥
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Cassa Bassa said:
I love your post in 2017. And almost 10 years blogging, WOW! I am just grateful that I found your blog. Blessings!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Cassa!
I am grateful for your visits, comments, love and support!
Blessings to you! ♥♥
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Madeline Bialecki said:
Is keeping in touch with his mother a way of keeping in touch with him?
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Madeline,
Fair question, but not at all. On our communication no one word is spoken about him. Early on I mentioned not wanting to hear about him. She heard me, and normally doesn’t say anything. Last year in the middle of some texts she mentioned him. I promptly ignored and that was the end of it.
Thank you for the visit and blessings to you! ♥♥
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lillyevechristie said:
What a total jerk! you are well rid of of him and the horse he rode in on !!! xxx
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A Star on the Forehead said:
hahaha,
Thank you for making me laugh Lilly!
BLessings! ♥♥
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robbie said:
I do believe that there is a BLOCK function on most phone and phone companies. It is curious to stay in touch with his Mother. I would say that a clean break would ensure all ties are broken. Hate isn’t the opposite of love, as it is an intense emotion, I believe that indifference is. The fact that you still write about this person ten years later shows that he still has a power of you. I would dismiss the power. Cut all ties with those around him. Not responding to his texts is a good thing, and a start. Complete alienation will be the point where you can truly move on. Best always.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Robbie,
I have blocked him and I am assuming that when I got a new phone it was unblocked. But, everything he texts me, he will also email me.
I choose to have a relationship with mother because we genuinely care about each other, and I don’t feel like blaming the mother for the sins of the son.
I write about him, and about others (such as the co-worker last week) that I don’t want to waste my energy with and surrender my power to, because I would feel I am hiding things from the blog. And the one thing I want most my blog to be is honest with what happens in my life.
I just feel that not mentioning is not the same as it didn’t happen. It happened and I feel I need to write here. As long as I don’t engage them or let it affect me, I think I am good.
I really appreciate your insight and your good wishes.
Wishing you a blessed week! ♥♥
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brilliantviewpoint said:
I think because you keep in touch with his mother, who must tell him what you both talk about, he thinks the door is still open. Move on from mother, probably no more messages from him.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Monica,
Somehow I don’t feel right moving on from someone that has been nothing but kind and thoughtful with me.
He is the type that would write to me no matter what.
I just ignore him and that is it.
Wishing you a blessed week! ♥♥
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Dave said:
His continuing to stay in touch despite your lack of responses suggests he doesn’t have much substance in his life and/or his ego needs some attention. But not at your expense. Good for you for moving on.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Dave,
Definitely is his ego at work. Years ago would have affected me. Now I am immune to it.
Thank you and blessings to you! ♥♥
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dfolstad58 said:
Such openness by you shows strength and healing in my opinion. This person is no threat to you. You clearly see this person and the trap he would like you to walk into.
Have a nice day. I hope you like chocolate because I am sending you some virtually right now !
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi David,
Thank you so much! He no longer has any space in my life, and it feels right.
Like chocolate? I love chocolate!!
Thank you and wishing you a blessed week! ♥♥
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Cindy Georgakas said:
Wow Anna Star!
First off congratulations on 10 years of blogging and sharing all of the back story. It all makes sense now!
What a great reason to start the blog in the first place and so cathartic I would imagine! Sorry for what he put you through but what a good teacher to learn how liars and narcissists operate!
Lovely capture and will go read that heartbreaking story soon.
❤️🥰
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Cindy,
Thank you! I know, crazy, right?!!
This blog safety my sanity, and that of my sister’s. lol Instead of calling her to obsess about it, I started talking here.
All lessons and experiences that makes me a better human and better partner for the next guy.
Blessings to you! ♥♥
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Cindy Georgakas said:
Totally and awesome! Yeah your sister is most appreciative I’m sure ..hahaha!
Just a question… I wonder if continuing to see his mom keeps him too close for comfort? I continue a relationship with my daughters ex but am contemplating not doing that anymore so I might just be saying this for me. Excuse me if I crossed a line-:)❤️🙏but it’s you Anna Star and we are honest with each other right? Just food for thought-:)
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Indeed she is!! lol
I don’t mind any questions, specially from people like you, that I know cares about me, and only means well.
Many people have mentioned my friendship with the mother. I understand how it would seem that it keeps me close to him, but I disagree in this case. She lives in another state, so our friendship is mostly texting every now and then; and her sending me little sweet treats on holidays. His name is never mentioned, even though I know that she wishes we were still together. Also, they haven’t been very close in the past few years. So I never considered, and don’t foresee not having a relationship with her because of him, at this point.
Thank you for caring! Blessings! ♥♥
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Cindy Georgakas said:
Well good I just wanted to check in and you being as astute as you are, I figured you had already examined that thoroughly but I do care about you and I just wanted to make sure! I totally get it because I value relationships as well and after all the people that we were involved with did bring us in to these situations. Hopefully she can keep all your confidentiality so she doesn’t catch wind of anything and it doesn’t prolong your upset! She sounds like a dear woman and probably understands her son’s Short suits and incapabilities to connect more than we ever know! Lots of love to you and have a beautiful day❤️😇
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I think that more and more she if finding what he is really like. But, not a word is spoken about him. I am not even curious about his life. I am totally indifferent. In moments he happens to show up, such as when he texted, I say prayer to him and wish him well.
Wishing you a blessed weekend! ♥♥
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Cindy Georgakas said:
A mother knows best for sure and it’s hard to have to see that in your son. Glad you have him in a special box 📦 and keep him at bay!
Thanks and to you my friend!❤️
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Letitgocoach said:
I had someone like that, and had to block his number on my phone for my well-being. Those type people are notorious with their timing. Wishing you many blessings my friend. 💖
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Barb,
I blocked and this time, hopefully, will stay blocked. But, I am happy to see that at this point it affects me less and less.
Thank you and blessings to you as well! ♥♥
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Letitgocoach said:
Hey Ana. Thank you and you as well! 💖
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chattykerry said:
Congratulations on making something good out of a bad experience – your blog. Ten years is quite an achievement. Bravo! 💟
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Kerry!
I agree, there is always a silver lining!
Blessings to you! ♥♥
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100 Country Trek said:
Hope all goes well .Sorry you went through this terrible time.
.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you Anita!
It has made me stronger. Blessings to you! ♥♥
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DutchIl said:
Thank you for sharing!!… congratulations on 10 years and sorry about the ex… it appears he may have a mental issue and lives in a world of his own and it is all on him… thinking it may be a good thing you parted ways some time ago to prevent a even worse situation.. “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together” (Marilyn Monroe)… 🙂
Your ex needs to heed the advice of Ms. Weathers… 🙂
Never say I love you
If you really don’t care,
Never talk about feelings
If they really aren’t there
Never hold my hand
If your going to break my heart
Never say your are going to
If you don’t plan to start
Never look into my eyes
If all you do is lie
Never say hello
If you really mean goodbye
If you really mean forever
Then say that you will try
Never say forever
Cause forever makes me cry
(Virginia Weathers)
Until we meet again….
May your spirit only know peace
May your heart only know love
May all your dreams come true
May your life’s journey be filled with happiness
And life is all that you wish for it to be….
(Larry “Dutch” Woller)
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Larry,
Indeed, I think he creates his own stories, to the point that one questions their own realities. Indeed I am better off without him next to me. I didn’t see it that way then, but I do clearly see it now.
I do love the advise of Ms. Weathers! It fits perfectly!
Thank you for the support and inspiration! Blessings! ♥♥
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Carla Denise said:
If you really wanted him out of your life completely you would not speak to his mother. You have to see through your own toxic trait too. I’m saying this as someone who’s been through it.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Carla,
Thank you for the visit and comment.
I do have still so much growing and learning to do, but on this instance I still stand by having a relationship with his mother. My relationship with her does not include him at all. He has been out of my life, but I cannot fix his delusion of trying to have a relationship and reaching out every couple of years.
Blessings!
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Carla Denise said:
I understand, I still have Facebook relationships with an x’s parents, but no contact with him. He is definitely mentally ill.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I learned the lessons and now moving on to new mistakes/lessons.
I am glad that you moved on also!
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