Tags
being the guilty one, distraction gone wrong, doing better, holding on to the youth, knowing better, trying to recoup the past, wanting what I can't have
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli
I almost didn’t write this post. It is embarrassing. I should know better. I know better! And yet I make a fool of myself and all that I believe in. I try to be a good person and, dare I say, I often succeed. But I am not proud of what I am about to tell you.
A couple of months ago I have wrote this post about eliminating the distractions from my life: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/
I wanted to get rid of all the stuff and the people that were not contributing anything positive to my life and that were keeping me from focusing on what is really important in my life. I felt liberated and powerful when I blocked those 3 guys I mentioned on the post.
Somehow I still got a text from AL the other day. I could have ignored it, but I replied. The idea of him is still so enticing to me even though I haven’t seen him since he got engaged, 3 years ago. The power of ‘what could have been” if I was not 17 years older than he is still keeps ringing in my ear.
“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.” ― Lyndon B. Johnson
We dated for over 6 months and it was some of the best times of my life. He didn’t say we stopped seeing each other because of the age difference but I know that it had a lot to do with it. He got busy with a new business venture and we slowly drifted apart. One day I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes.
We still saw each other from time to time, mostly as friends. Then he told me he got engaged and I chose to never see him again. I also asked him to stopped texting me, but after almost a year of silence we started texting again. Then he got married. Again I tried to stop the texting and we would go long stretches not texting, months and months, but I would always end up giving in.
“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Then as I mentioned on that post, I made the decision to block some people, and somehow his text arrived. He sent a text commenting about a soccer game, I replied. After talking about soccer we were right back to where we always go back to: the memories of the amazing times we had. The chemistry we have seems to be bigger than us.
This time, as he had done in the past, he asked me out for a drink to catch up. This time unlike I have done so many times in the past, I said yes. We scheduled for last Wednesday night. I was excited about seeing him again. For a brief moment I allowed myself to forget he was married. I was lying to myself that it was just a drink with a friend. I was making all kinds of stories in my mind on why it was okay to meet him. I was holding on to memories of a fun, free time.
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren
I was lying to myself and I knew it. We would never be able to sit across from each other and just have a drink, even though we have done it in the past. There is too much tension now, too much flirting, and too many innuendos. The time apart created this enormous tension.
Was I ready to kiss a married man? I knew in my heart that would be the outcome. I was telling myself that if he is this eager perhaps he is not even married anymore. We never talked about the wife after he got engaged. As if not talking about her made her didn’t exist.
This drink held so much potential…potential for destruction.
He was more insistent than normal. He was more full of innuendos, texting me more, everything more. My gut was trying to tell me something, as if knowing he was married was not something big enough to stop me on my tracks. I sensed something else. I figured it was my conscience telling me to stop. I sensed doom.
I can’t explain what made me do it, but the day before meeting him I Googled his wife’s name.
BOOM! There it was! It hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden saying no to him became so easy. All of a sudden I woke up from that dreamy stupor of “what if”. I came face to face with a Baby registry. AL and his wife are about to have a baby in 3 months.
“Men more frequently require to be reminded than informed.” ― Samuel Johnson
I shouldn’t have been shocked but I was. Here he was, trying to meet me while he has a pregnant wife at home. I immediately asked him and he said: yes, I was saving the news to tell you when we met.
What??? Like that was some great news to me worth celebrating. Like that was really what he had in mind for this meeting.
In 1 second I lost all respect I ever had for him. And for me!
Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for him but so grossed out that I almost met him. So grossed out and embarrassed by all my flirting. I should have stopped all this, I don’t even know what to call this. I should have stopped years ago.
It shouldn’t take a baby to make see all that is wrong with this. But I do thank that baby for waking me up.
“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen
I think that for a little bit I just didn’t think and allowed the past memories to take over me. Whatever excuse I use now it is just that, excuses. I was willing to meet a married man under the guise of friendship knowing fully well that we both wanted more than just talk.
I can’t let my guard down. I have to stop leaving the door of the past open. I have to close doors and implode bridges. I can’t live trying to relive the past. I have to deal with my reality, with being 53, with being single, and yearning for more. But wait, don’t cry for me, my reality is pretty sweet. It is just a case of “greener grass”. I have real grass and the other side AstroTurf.
I said that to him I couldn’t meet him. And that was that. There was no big good bye. There was no declaration of never texting again, there was none of that, and still it was as final as ever. My final words were: “whatever you do, be careful. You have a lot to lose!”
My lesson is: I need to be watchful of my words, intentions and actions. Every action has a consequence that often goes beyond myself. I am embarrassed that I continued flirting with someone that was not available. I know better. I know the pain of being cheated on. I know right from wrong. The blame is all on me. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to reply to him.
Oh well, live, learn and try to do better next time. Good bye past, I have a future to get to!
“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” ― Steve Maraboli
dfolstad58 said:
A longish post but because of your clear honest message I felt connected throughout. I liked the quotes also
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I agree, way too long. I am guilty of wordiness! 😦
I am glad that you connected with the honesty in it though.
Thank you and blessings! 🙂
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utesmile said:
You live and learn…. a lot. Hopefully he does not mess his marriage up.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Ute
Hopefully I stop repeating the same lessons.
He is playing with fire, but sadly so was I, so who am I to judge?
Thank you and blessings to you! 🙂
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Susan said:
But did you block him?
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I had blocked him before but when I had to reset my phone to factory setting it became unblocked. I realized it after the fact that all 3 guys have been unblocked.
At any rate, that is no excuse, all I had to do was ignore it. Anyway, everyone blocked again.
Thank you and blessings! 🙂
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djdfr said:
As long as we are alive, we will have efforts to make in order to be and do Good. We cannot rest on our laurels. 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
That is so right! Thank you for the reminder! 🙂
Blessings!
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Eli Pacheco said:
Give yourself some grace. In the end, perhaps going through the winding road of considering it and justifying it (we’re human!) led you to a more convincing conviction not to. It’s part of your journey.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for the reminder Eli!
I do need to be kinder to myself sometimes. As you mentioned we are only human and as such we are flawed.
Wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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Eli Pacheco said:
I think it’s good to think it all out this way, though. You’re better off on this end of it!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Eli
Yes indeed!
I go through life thinking that all is always for the best…it is easier that way 🙂
Blessings! 🙂
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Eli Pacheco said:
That’s the right attitude!
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lillyevechristie said:
The important thing is that you did the right thing before it was too late. Now just keep moving forward, don’t look back – you’re not going that way. Fate sometimes has a way of stepping in, perhaps your guardian angel quietly whispered in your ear, to look the wife up online! xxx
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Lilly
You are right, I want to go forward, so I need to stop those little trips into the past.
And for sure I am crediting my guardian angels for opening my eyes before it was too late.
Thank you and many blessings to you! 🙂
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ashok said:
Long one but liked it. Good to know you a little.
Don’t be harsh on yourself. Most of us do such things. Heart is a strange animal.
We live and we learn.
All the best 🤗
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I am trying to be less wordy…one day I will have that mastered.
Thank you for liking it and for the understanding and comforting words!
Blessings! 🙂
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ashok said:
Oh some times long words are needed. It was a beautiful post. God be with you my friend with a star on the forehead 😊
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I agree.
Thank you so much! 🙂
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ashok said:
Pleasure
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kindredspirit23 said:
Most likely, the biggest problem was the fact that you were not really risking anything. He was risking his marriage, possibly not seeing his child grow up much (if at all), and him paying for the divorce until the child turns 18. Those are big things, imo.
You had none of that. You would have had to live with the idea that you did it. That’s a lot, but that’s all.
Be easy on yourself. You saw the other side and stopped it. That’s so great and wonderful. I am ever so proud of you. Hope you blocked and deleted him this time.
Scott
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kindredspirit23 said:
By the way, really have gotten behind on emails and blogs, so this is current to me…I will catch up. (8/5/19)
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You haven’t missed much. Sometimes I feel all I do is try to catch up.
I hope that whatever slowed you down is now part of the past. ♥
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kindredspirit23 said:
The physical problem will come and go, unfortunately. However, life is good and all is perfect.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You are right, life is perfect and exactly as it should be.
Problems come and go, and hopefully we get stronger at dealing with them.
Sending you hugs and blessings! ♥♥
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Scott
One of the things that I don’t understand is that he seemed willing to risk so much. What makes people do that? I guess they don’t think about the consequences.
I don’t want to be a part of any of that, and for one second I forgot about that. I am glad I woke up from that stupor.
He has been blocked! 🙂
Sending you blessings ♥
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kindredspirit23 said:
You are just so smart and nice and pretty….wow
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A Star on the Forehead said:
And you are too kind! ♥♥
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kindredspirit23 said:
As I say: “Truth is so easy”
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A Star on the Forehead said:
not always, it should be easy, but sometimes the truth can be so hard! But choosing the truth makes it easier in the end 🙂 ♥
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kindredspirit23 said:
I just don’t have to keep track of lies this way. lol
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A Star on the Forehead said:
lol I wonder how some people remember all the lies they tell
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kindredspirit23 said:
If one pays attention well, one finds out they do not.
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