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“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.”  – ― Maya Angelou

This post was intended to be about Thanksgiving and gratitude but I am going to be selfish and ungrateful for a moment.  Please indulge my bellyaching.  Sometimes it feels that if I don’t talk about something my head will explode.   There are so many people out there with real issues.  But when all I want to do is cry I need to let it out.

I have never been so close to quitting my job as I am right at this moment. I normally make rash decisions just following my gut, but this time I need to really think about it.

The stick that is threatening to break the camel’s back is a new broker that has been hired in my office.  In the first few days she just seemed quirky, now I realize she is impossible to deal with.  I have been in this same job for 18 years, over 25 years in this industry and I have never dealt with someone like her before.   Immediately things became difficult.  She is so defensive.  It is impossible to talk to her.

Unfortunately I have to deal with her. This is a small place and I do everything, it is hard to avoid her. The world of brokers and traders are full of big egos that expect others to cater to their every whim.  For the past 25 years I have been able to navigate this world without losing my mind.  I did take 1 year off after my first 6 years in the industry.

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”  -― Mahatma Gandhi

I am trying to exercise compassion towards her. I am failing.

I have been able to put brokers in their place and have them follow the rules.  Not anymore.  Now that there are more rules to be followed they all feel like they can disregard what I say. I have asked the owner of the firm to intervene and laid down the law but he has done nothing.  I think he has gotten used to me handling it all that he thought this too would pass or that I would calm down. It hasn’t and I haven’t.  There are days I get so angry that I feel I am close to having a stroke

Perhaps I am also burned out.  I need a change.  I need a break.  I am going to get a little break now.  I am leaving for Brazil on Friday for 10 days.  Will 10 days be enough to renew and love my job again?

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.”  – ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I have mentioned to some of the other partners that I am done.  That it is just a matter of when I am leaving, but they promise that there will be changes by the time I return.  I doubt it, and I wondered if, even if there are changes, if it is not a little too late.  The owner is not here at the moment but called to see if I was okay – he probably heard my threat of quitting.  I didn’t really wanted to talk to him at the moment so I just said yes and got off the phone as quick as I could.  If I started telling him how I felt I would cry, and I promised myself that I if I ever cried at work again I would quit.

Before he left on his vacation he said he would fire her.  I am sure it was just a bluff, as he knew the other partners, me included, would stop him.  I would never want anyone fired because of me. Ever!

If were not for thinking of my parents I would walk out now, but I do consider the future.  I don’t want to make hasty decisions.  I enjoy the fact that I can provide them with anything they want. I don’t live paycheck to paycheck.  If I quit I have the luxury of not working for awhile but what about later on.  Am I going to regret it?  I am a partner here, what if all of a sudden we start making real money, or we get bought by a larger company?  So many “what ifs” going around in my mind.

“Top 15 Things Money Can’t Buy
Time. Happiness. Inner Peace. Integrity. Love. Character. Manners. Health. Respect. Morals. Trust. Patience. Class. Common sense. Dignity.” – ― Roy T. Bennett

Perhaps this woman just came into the picture to illustrate that I need a change. Perhaps she is the tragedy before the miracle.

I am sending the Universe my intentions of a change, of doing something else.  Money is good, but it is not everything, and I am not getting any younger.  What would I rather be doing?

I want to be a ski bunny in some snowy mountain somewhere.  A 52 year old ski bunny with a hip problem that doesn’t even know how to ski well – picture that if you can!

Thank you for letting me vent.  I am enormously grateful for you, my friend of many years, that puts up with my typos and run on sentences. You are priceless and even included in my prayers – that is how special you are!

I wish everyone a beautiful and blessed Thanksgiving!  I hope you are surrounded by love and things you love.  I hope that you are with family and friends, but even if are alone that you don’t feel alone, that you bask in the love and light.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – ― Alphonse Karr

I am immensely  grateful for everything. I am grateful above all for my family and my faith in God.  I am grateful for this job, yes this job that I want to quit, that affords me the life I have.  I am grateful for having options.  I am grateful for friends.  I am grateful for life. I am grateful for hope.

I am grateful that I can help others.  This week I bought coffee/lunch for 3 people 2 different times each.  I helped a guy at the grocery store buy the juice he was leaving behind because he didn’t have enough money.  I pray that God puts in my way people for me to help.  And that is another reason I am grateful for this job that pays me well.

I am sorry for this long winded, full of typos post.

“Be still and the storm will cease” – my friend Anthony wrote me that.  Those few words calmed my heart. I stopped, took a breath and felt the anger and anxiety leave my body.

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” – ― Pema Chödrön

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