Tags
afraid of being cheated on, being delusional, being paranoid, being scared, creating stories out of nothing, Dance like no one is watching, dancing my troubles away, new relationships, online dating, PMS the devil, poems of Rumi, waiting for things to unfold, when all else fails pray
“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi
Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.
Nothing made sense. Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.
I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.
I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.
The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi
I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.
Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.
I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.
“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” – Rumi
Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off. It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.
That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite. And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi
The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again. I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.
The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.
There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed. It only makes me look better.
I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.
“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.” – Rumi
Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?
Then it hits me:
PMS
I am glad I keep track of it. I look at the app in my phone and there it is. I am in the middle of PM. I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass. All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.
The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.
So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!
“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” – Rumi
So I did the only thing I could think to do:
I DANCED!
I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.
I danced with my soul. It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!
IT WORKED!
I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.
To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing, it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi
At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.
Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.
The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved. It was indifferent. Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being. No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved. Only you have that power. The sooner we realize that the happier we become.
“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi
This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication. I normally go to gratitude and prayer.
May I offer everyone that suggestion? Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance. While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.
***
The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.
“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”
With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.
“I want to see you.
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi
Anand said:
You’ve a rare clarity of introspective thinking. You’re not only an author but a wonderful counselor too. We love Rumi!
Come come whoever you’re
Wanderer worshipper lover of living
Ours isn’t a caravan of despair
Even if you’ve broken your vow a hundred times(1000?)
Come, yet again come!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Anand
Thank you so much! You have no idea how amazing that compliment makes me feels!
Rumi is the best!
Wishing you a blessed weekend! 😀
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joyroses13 said:
Wonderful perspective on “Dancing” Keep it up!
One of my favorite all time quotes is … “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is learning to DANCE in the rain!” 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
That is a great quote, thank you for sharing! Wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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joyroses13 said:
You are very welcome! Glad to pass it on! Hope you have a great wkend too!
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Carrie Rubin said:
Kudos to you for differentiating a sugar crave from emotional distress from true hunger. That can be tough to do. Sugar likes to trick our brains. Plus, you got exercise from all that dancing. It’s a win win!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! I am often able to realize it is emotional hunger and not physical, but I struggle with having the strength and willpower to not give in and eat anyway. Dancing is indeed a win-win! Wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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Carrie Rubin said:
You too!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! 🙂
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MyLittleBird123 said:
I do so love your posts. They seem so from the heart and I can go to some of the same places in myself. A very important blog. Thanks for sharing.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much! I am so glad that you can feel is from the heart. I start out intent on write something short and light; then as I write my heart opens and the words come pouring out.
Thank you for reading. I hope you have a blessed weekend! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
Because of you, I just purchased my first Kindle Rumi book. I intend to read it and will, sometime. I am in no hurry for most things anymore. I am also reading “The Power of Now” by E. Tolle. It is good; I have to say.
Glad you overcame all that bothered you and things may be okay…
If they become not okay, always remember, 🙂 I am here!
Scott
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I am so glad you got Rumi’s book. It speak to me, I hope it speaks to you.
The Power of Now is a wonderful book that I read a long time ago. It was referred to me by a guy on a plane. He was so excited about it. It changed his life.
Things will be okay if I keep my expectations in check.
So glad you are there for me. I am here for you.
Thank you! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
It’s nice to have good friends.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Indeed! 🙂
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P. C. Zick said:
Such an uplifting story! Even though I’m on the other side of PMS, I still have those monthly blues usually around the first of the month same as my old cycle! Phantom PMS I guess. Next time I dance🤗😎
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! oh no, are you telling me that it will never really end? so now I have Phantom PMS to look forward to?? 😦 lol
A lot dancing in my future!!
By the way, I am reading the last of the “Behind the Love” Series, and it is becoming my favorite. I need to know which to read after…
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P. C. Zick said:
Third Base? I hope you’ll consider leaving reviews, too. It’s the writer’s lifeblood! Thanks and keep dancing.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Patricia
When you wrote Third Base I thought you were asking my how far I got with this guy … my mind in the gutter…lol
I am going to order that now as I just finished the last one in the train this morning. I was waiting to finish all 4 to write a review.
Many blessings to you and keep on writing! 🙂
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P. C. Zick said:
That’s funny. You’re very sweet. Thank you.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Just started Third Base and already curious to see where it is going. Get ready for the next recommendation 🙂
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P. C. Zick said:
Thanks!
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Shannon Paige said:
Awww this kind of thing happens to the best of us. Especially the anxiety part for me! It’s horrible and it can be really hard when it’s unpredictable like that. It helps me to keep track of my moods in a journal…
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Shannon, this anxiety caught me by surprise as it happened so fast. I am glad it didn’t last. A journal it is a great idea to keep track of a lot thngs/
I hope you are having a blessed weekend! 🙂
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utesmile said:
You did the right thing. Dancing definitely works, singing too. Glad you noticed and did something about it. You know…… I asked once a date I dated for over a year, when does dating end and girlfriend status start…… Well it is communication and you 2 need to talk about it how you feel. It is early days and as you say you get to know each other… so enjoy when you meet and enjoy the freedom when you are on your own. The best of both worlds.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I can’t sing to save my life. I am actually thinking about taking singing lessons. I know you dance, can you also sing?
The only problem with me is that I don’t feel right dating other guys, so I guess we will be having that relationship conversation sooner rather than late. I want to make sure we are on the same page.
I guess I overthink things… oh well, trying to relax…
Thank you and I hope you are having a blessed weekend! 🙂
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utesmile said:
I do sing too and am in a A capella choir. I love it. I don’t know if I am good but it is fun. 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I love A capella! God for you for pursuing all those different interests!! The important is to have fun! Perhaps one day you can share with us the songs the way you share the dance 🙂
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Pink Ninja said:
We have PMS at the same time! Haha….and very proud of you. I still whig out if I can’t get a hold of him and usually it’s because he’s driving or ringer was on vibrate. It still haunts me being cheated on from past exes and unfortunately I project my fears onto him. I found the key is to remember all the other hotties in line if that were to happen and that it would be doing me a favour if some hussy got him to show me who he really is (see: chicks who dig committed guys at the gym and stalk their hardest to get him bahahah….I just zone it all out and focus on my strength, sweat and form. It’s all we can do).
And dancing of course. I just love that you boosted us with your reminders of how important it is to love yourself regardless of what circumstances we find ourselves in.
Hugs and much love
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A Star on the Forehead said:
hahaha, that is funny. They say women synchronize when they live or work together, so I guess it works with blogging also lol
You have good points right there: There is plenty of men out there and it is better to find out his true colors sooner rather than later.
For some reason I picture you being a dancer 🙂
Thank you for the support, hugs and love always!!! Sending you all the same!! 🙂
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Pink Ninja said:
Hugssss…I was thinking the same thing! Bahahah….and I do love be dancing very much! Was even on a cheesy dance show in the 90s bahahah …
And if it’s of any help, sometimes getting to know more than one person while dating helps take the pressure and edge off the other while you wait to see what unfolds….just saying….men like the chase even after you get together, just keep being your wonderful busy and mysterious self! Hugsss
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You were on a dance show?!?!?! Please share details!!!
You are so right and that is what I should do, casually see different guys without pressure on me and them until we know what we want.
I think I always end up putting unnecessary pressure on the situation.
And yes, men do like to chase!
Thank you for always showing me a different angle of a situation.
Blessings and hugs back to you! 🙂
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Pink Ninja said:
Hugsssss!!!!! And yes, Electric Circus on MuchMusic in the 90s bahahah….
And yes, it’s normal to feel guilty for seeing more than one but as my neighbor taught me once, “don’t take a guy seriously unless he gives you a reason to take him seriously.” So yeah, have fun! I read once a guy likes to feel like he won amongst the competition and you are definitely a prized gem so don’t sell yourself short. You deserve better than to be left wondering. And it’s important that both of you are at the same pace so that you’re not left waiting either.
Sending you much love and hugs as it takes courage to share our souls with one another. Hugs hugsssss
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I was checking the Youtube videos. I am trying to guess if you are on those videos and which one is you.
Many great points here that I will take to heart!! 🙂
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Pink Ninja said:
Haha…I checked and thankfully no! I was only on a few times as it gets costly making or buying outfits. One of the blondes with curly hair ended up dating one of the BackStreet Boys haha….man..those were the days when dancing was fun and safe!
And whatever circumstance, I hope you always dance! No one is worth taking a step back for, and each tippy toe gets you that much closer!
It wasn’t until I finally admitted all the greatness I deserve whether it be in love, work or friendships did life truly change and people started to appear while others disappeared. Each soul that is brought to you teaches you how important it is to value yourself and we all hope you see just how incredible a life you deserve.
Much hugs and love! And dance! Sing! 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You must have nice fun memories!
Sad or happy, always dancing! Always moving my feet and my hips 🙂
You are right until we value and love ourselves no one else will. Beautiful positive energy attracts the same, and that is what I want in mylife.
Wishing you a blessed fun week! 🙂
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Pink Ninja said:
May you find someone who will dance with you always.. hugs.. just read your most recent post and I wanna ninja kick his arse. Hugsssss
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A Star on the Forehead said:
hahaha…you made my day!!!
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Pink Ninja said:
Awwwwwww….sending you much love..and sorry if my long rant came across as that…we just care a lot about you and wanna see you with the best….and I know from my own trial and error that no matter what, it will all work out! And they say when you meet the one, you will know why it didn’t work out with everyone else before…hugss…and you deserve an amazing kisser!!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I so so appreciate all the love!! I didn’t see it as a rant, I saw it someone that cared and had so much to say! I felt the love! I am going to reply to it now but will probably not do any justice.
And yes, yes, yes, I cannot live without amazing passionate kisses!! I was fooling myself thinking that I coould.
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corinne williams said:
Dance really is the best medicine! And with Rumi as your partner, how wonderful…I also sometimes go for walks with Hafiz! Thank you for sharing x
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Corinne
I have only discovered Hafiz lately and I am equally enamored with him.
Dancing awakens the body and soul. I wish so many more people tried.
Thank you for stopping by. I wish you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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reocochran said:
Dancing and music lift my spirits, too! I sometimes think of a chore and feel better cleaning out a drawer! 😂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I can totally relate 🙂
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Jaya Avendel said:
How freely and beautifully this is said! I connected immediately with the title, and was not disappointed by your spirited words. ❤
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much Jaya for your visit!
Blessings to you!
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