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accepting friends as they are, engaged and dead to me, losing a best friend, marriages and friends, secret affair, sexual innuendos
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” – Elbert Hubbard
On Christmas Day I lost my best friend. He got engaged! I know nothing needs to change but everything already did.
Let me explain:
We have known each other for over 5 years now. While this is not a crazy amount of time, in that time we managed to cultivate a very close relationship. We have a relationship that is completely non-judgmental and honest. We both feel safe with each other to share everything. So I tell him about my dates and he tells me about his work, daughter and life in general.
I have other friends, but he is actually the one that I tell everything, and that is hard for me to lose.
We dated briefly in the beginning and very soon realized that the age difference (16 years) would be too much to circumvent. After a couple of months apart we drifted back to each other and managed to become just friends (without benefits).
Our chemistry is undeniably there but other than one tryst ages ago we have remained platonic. We can never find a convenient time to meet for a drink, so we mostly text with some emails and phone calls in between. The texting has been constant, and so has the flirting.
At one point I did toy with the idea of friends with benefits with him since we have great chemistry but, first, I don’t think I am a “friends with benefits” type of girl and second by the time I was really considering it he had gotten a girlfriend. The texting, flirting and friendship continued. The fact that he had a girlfriend never bothered me and I never felt I was doing anything wrong. I did feel that it would end the day when I got a boyfriend.
It bothered me that he never introduced his girlfriend to me. He always said he was going to but somehow it never managed to happen, and after awhile I think I knew he never would, and I chose not to care.
“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” – Pema Chodron
Things changed to me the day after he got engaged. I was aware that he was getting engaged, he showed me the ring and I was happy and excited for him. The next day we were talking excitedly about his engagement and then the next moment the talk turned to sexual innuendos, just like old times, yet not so old. This time it didn’t feel right. It felt dirty. I told him we needed to take a break. He thought I was joking.
While I enjoy the friendship and already miss it, I don’t want to be a hidden friend, a secret. I realize that he never mentioned me to her, and to mention me at this point may see weird and suspicious.
I would not want my fiancé (if I had one) flirting with a girl. I have been cheated on, I know the pain. How can I cause that on somebody else? But am I really causing any pain?
He has texted a few times since then and I haven’t replied, even though it has ben extremely hard to ignore him. I don’t know what to do. Do I resume speaking to a friend that I care about and accept this friendship as is; or do I continue the silence until he never contacts me again?
I am very conflicted about this. I care for him and it hurts not to have him in my life. But can we resume talking and never flirt again? I have a lot of respect for him and yet I don’t respect his actions. He is serious about this person so he shouldn’t be flirting with anybody else.
What is to be a friend? It is to accept them completely and make no demands? It is still loving them even though you don’t accept their actions? Or is making them accountable and showing them the error of their ways?
“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.”- Osho
Then again who made me judge and jury?
What is my problem?
- Am I jealous of him getting married? I don’t think so.. I could be married by now if I really wanted to.
2) Am I mad he never introduce me to the girlfriend? perhaps. Why is he hiding me? To be a secret feels dirty, although I do agree it is a bit exciting also.
3) Am I disappointed in myself for flirting with someone that has a girlfriend and considering continuing on? Yes I guess I am. I don’t have to flirt back. I can just say we will not continue this line of conversation and he would not do it. Yet every time he starts I am totally join in.
4) Perhaps I like the flirting when he was “available” and now that he is not I just feel that I am flirting with disaster.
I told a male friend about this situation and he thinks I am making a bid deal out of nothing. He says that if I enjoy the friendship I should continue and not worry about it. That is on him to think about his fiancee. I am tempted.
But for now I am putting in a bit of time and space between us and we will see what happens. At the end of the day he is not the problem at all. It is me, I don’t trust myself!
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.” And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. – Kahlil Gibran
Blessed with a Star on the Forehead 
I don’t blame you for taking a step back. The fact that he’s still texting you while he’s about to get married shows his true character, and he’s being really disrespectful to his new woman. Just think – you may not be the only one he’s doing this with. If he was truly happy with her, why hang on to someone else to sexually flirt with? And the fact that he hasn’t even introduced you to her IS a secret. Would he invite you to the wedding?
Your other male friend may not think it’s a big deal, but it is, in my opinion. If the fiancee found out how what he’s doing, then you’d probably feel guilty and then everyone would be hurting. It’s not nice of him to toy with people like that. Sorry I went on a rant here, but it strikes home, because I’ve been in this situation and it sucks.
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Hi Julianna, At times I can’t help thinking that if he is talking to me he is talking to others too. Good point about the wedding. I don’t think he would invite me, and that would hurt, so perhaps letting things end now is better. I can’t help imagining how she would feel about knowing all he talks to me about. It makes me really wonder how much does he really care about her. Your “rant” helps me realize that my feelings make sense and I am not just making a big deal out of nothing! Thank you and many blessings to you! 🙂
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Glad I could help! Our feelings “are” a big deal, no matter how many times people try to discredit us or invalidate them.
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That is for sure, specially when people think they have the right to tell you how to feel. I am often just a big heart walking around, feeling everything to the extreme! Thank you and wishing you a blessed week! 🙂
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I feel for you! I know the feeling in a way. Brings back memories from over 20 years ago. I did the same as you, I stepped back for I knew it wasn’t right. It is hard, but listen to your conscience! In the end you will feel better and not have to have guilt. If he does text you wanting to know why you aren’t responding, I would bring up the fact that he hasn’t talked about you to her at all. Let him know that you are hurt by that, why does he feel he needs to hide you from her? Does he feel guilty himself about his feelings for you? It almost appears that way. Just my opinion though.
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Hi Joy, It has been really hard to step back but I am trying as it doesn’t feel right anymore. When I brought up the fact that she doesn’t know me he always says that she will, but at this point I don’t think he has any intention of ever introducing us. I do think that he has feelings for me as I do sometimes think I still harbor some feelings for him, perhaps is better not to even attempt to continue this friendship, as there is only the potential for someone to get hurt. Thank you for your opinion! Many blessings! 🙂
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I think if you have as you say an open and honest relationship, then you need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. I think it is dishonest of him NOT to introduce you to his fiancee, and I can only imagine how she would feel if your continued your current relationship with him (before the break) and she discovered it. So contact him, tell him what you are feeling and gauge his response. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
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Hi Noelle, right now I am afraid of replying to him and going back to the way things were. I really enjoy speaking to him and often brushed away the uneasy feelings until now that I have seen the ring and I know it is real. I guess I have been lying to myself thinking it was no big deal as it didn’t feel it was anything serious. I have expressed my feelings many times, but I have never wanted to give him an ultimatum, let me meet her or else. I do suspect that he harbored the idea that he eventually would have something on the side, and that thought makes me angry. So for now, I am going to give time and wait things out. Thank you for your always valuable and thoughtful comments! Wishing you a blessed 2017! 🙂
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I think the fact that he didn’t introduce you to her and then AFTER he was engaged sexual innuendo still continued showed he would cheat on her in a heartbeat. Making him someone to not have respect nor feeling of friendship for. Just my opinion, but he sounds like a snake to me.
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I do think that if I agreed he would cheat in a heartbeat. I think he is not respecting me or her. But I also feel I am a willing participant – I am not proud of it! He is acting like a snake, but what does that say about me that I like him so much that I am willing to ignore his actions? What about the 5 year friendship that we cultivated? It is so hard for me to let go of people I like! I still want to be his friend 😦 I really don’t know what to do! Thank you for giving me your opinion! Blessings! 🙂
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Something tells me his marriage – if he gets that far – will not last. I would continue to ignore him. I think he’ll be available again.
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Hi Gail, Only time will tell, but if he is talking to me like this, he is probably talking to others too and he will eventually get in trouble. He already has a failed marriage, I would think he would try harder to make the next one work. The truth is that even if he was available and the right age I would never be able to trust him. I just need to be stronger and not give in and start talking to him again. Wishing you a blessed week! 🙂
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Agreed
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🙂
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I think you have more feelings for him still than you imagined and that is why it hurts. If it was just a simple friendship of 2 friends you could still go on and banter about everything. but having more feelings involved makes it harder. Of course you do not want to become in between them. You can always tell him your true sentiments that you would like to be friends with him, but you feel that the sexual innuendos are not appropriate. Honesty….. to a friend!
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Hi Ute, I think you may be right 😦 Liking him a little more than I should it makes extremely hard to not give into our usual conversations. I think that I have always been stuck on the age difference and think that perhaps if we were the right age things would work. I am not sure it is worth continuing the friendship, I think we are incapable of having conversations without flirting. So I will keep silent for now. I definitely don’t want to be involved in anyone’s relationship. Thank you for the always wise words. Wishing you a blessed week! 🙂
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Honey, I have a lot more of life experience under my belt then you do and because I know honesty is the best policy I am speaking my mind with you. From my Heart, of course. In my humble opinion, a man who becomes engaged does not still “engage” in flirtatious behavior even with an “old best” friend. I see a “red flag” immediately that he has not introduced you to his fiancé, and from the sounds of things he doesn’t plan to. Right from the get go he is not being honest with her and that spells trouble for that relationship and pending marriage. If two people who are about to step into marriage cannot be totally open and honest with one another, disaster awaits. It is wise of you to step back. Why don’t you lay your cards on the table asking him why he has not introduced you to his fiancé and why he keeps flirting with you IF he is so in love with another woman. It doesn’t add up. If I were in your shoes I would not want to be a “secret” for secrets have a way of exploding in your face or biting you on the butt. Tread carefully. I’m really really sorry about the heartache you are going through right now. I really am. Sounds to me you are the more mature between he and you. BIG (((HUGS))) ❤
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You are right! I too like honesty and don’t like the idea of secrets, even though they seem exciting. At this point I don’t want to press him to tell the girlfriend about me anymore. I think it may just be better to consider that this friendship has ran its course and move on. I think that we both can’t help revisiting the past, at least in conversation, and that is a recipe for disaster. Thank you for your wisdom and hugs! Blessings! 🙂
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I admire you for doing this. The man you asked about the situation is talking like a “man”. Most of them wouldn’t think much about it. I would. I probably would continue the conversation, but I know I would not cheat. However, telling my wife or girlfriend about another woman after time has passed? That is rough. He will come across as guilty and suspicious. He should have done this before.
I think you are fully correct to not speak or to demand you meet the fiancée before conversation continues on. I understand how difficult it is to have such a friend. I have had those. Do now, but I don’t have anyone.
Tell you what – bookman23@comcast.net Feel free to drop me a note (make sure I know who you are). You can share, vent, whatever – I won’t tell. I have several friends I do this with now. Works well, especially over the distance.
Up to you,
Scott
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Hi Scott
The friend that I talked with about it thinks I overthink things, and should just relax a bit. I see he has a point but I am intent on avoiding dramas and I don’t like the idea of being a secret.
As you said, I think it would be extremely hard for him to talk to her about me all of a sudden, and I decided not to ask that of him anymore and pretty much let the relationship go for the sake of everyone involved.
Thank you for sharing your email…perhaps one day!
Have a blessed week ahead! 🙂
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You have a very sensible head on you, as do I. I think we both suffer from moments of ignoring our heads and going with our hearts. We will both learn to do better.
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The truth is I much rather follow my heart then my head. All head and no heart makes it for a very boring life. The ideal would be to have them both meet somewhere in the middle…until then I navigate it as best as I can with kind friends, like you, attempt to steer me right. Many blessings to you my friend! 🙂
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That’s all any of us can do. I have allowed my heart to run things many times. Most of those times, it is my head that much get me out of the mess I find myself in. I still love my heart and try to follow it when I can, but tempered, let us say.
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HI Scott, Tempered is a good word! Indeed following blindly my heart as I have always done may not be the wisest decision. Now I try to let my mind have some input too. Blessings! 🙂
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Balance seems to always be key!
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Indeed! Wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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Aww that’s so nice of you, all the blessings to your kind soul 👍💯
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Other commenters have already said several things that I was thinking so I will just add that the more you listen to your conscience, the stronger it will become. 🙂
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Good point! Even though I often want to ignore it, my conscience is always very convincing and forceful. You are right, the idea is to become stronger and better people and listening to our conscience helps us achieve that. Thank you and wishing you a blessed 2017! 🙂
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You did the right thing in putting space between the two of you for a while. Imagine how his GF would feel if she came to know that he flirts with you. Not many people have the stomach to stomach that. I’d say,and this is just my opinion, you should ask him to just be friends, no flirting.
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Hi Pradita, I do think about the girlfriend, now fiance, and that is why I am thinking it is best to part ways. I am not sure either one of us (he and I) can control the flirting. Perhaps after some time has gone by we can revisit the friendship and re-start it with no flirting. I guess only time will tell, but it will require effort. Thank you for your comment and many blessings to you! 🙂
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You’re welcome and I hope it all resolved well in time to your liking. Blessings to u too 😊
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Hi, I don’t really know you, or him, but I have been cheated on and could never do that to another person (male or female). I too would have to distance myself from him, if he is keeping secrets now, he will do so in the future-at the expense of his new wife and their marriage. I would not want any part of that fall out.
Thank you for stopping by my blog and good luck with your situation moving forward, whatever you decide to do!
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I was trying to talk myself into making it ok to still talk to him. I treasure my friendship with him, but it doesn’t feel right (I have been cheated on too), so for now I will have no communication and let it go…time and silence will handle it. Thank you for your input and many blessings to you! 🙂
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I wish you the best of luck with this, I know it is hard but you need to protect and take care of yourself first. Good things are on the way for you!
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Thank you so much! I believe that too! Wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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Friends are those whom we choose for our life unlike the parents and relatives and it’s one very important decision of life
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That is so right! I don’t let a lot people in and that is also why it is so hard to let go. Thank you and blessings! 🙂
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I’m sorry you are in this position and wrestling with what to do. Another person commented about what he was doing to his soon to be engaged. He is obviously lying to her and there’s the possibility that he is doing the same with some one else as he is with you. If he really cared for this woman, he would not be flirting with you. I could see if he were just talking. I have gone through something like this. I was so desperate to be with the guy and wanted him so bad, I over looked all the signs, and in the end it did nothing, but wind up hurting me. I used to wait for the phone calls, even after days of nothing. I would be angry, but at the sound of that voice, all was forgiven, and I am sure he knew it. If you had stayed with him, would he still be doing this with someone else?
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I do suspect I am not the only person he is flirting with, even though I would want to believe that our friendship is special. In the end I am grateful for the friendship but it has ran its course. I am happy not being involved in any person’s secret and I will try my best to keep things this way. Thank you and blessings! 🙂
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I have to thank you for a change. As long as you remember him that way, then it will be that way. You had good times, and I am sure it was and is special to you, but you were smart to move on. It really is so easy to get stuck in a rut and keep repeating things, even when in the back of your mind, you know better.
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Indeed, indeed. I am choosing to cherish the memories we had. Perhaps in the back of my mind I thought that perhaps one day we could try again and I kept holding on to his and his friendship. I know I should have said good bye a long time ago. The moment he hid he had a girlfriend I should have known it was time to let go. I am glad I have this blog and I have people like you to tell me like it is. 🙂 Blessings!
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I really admire your honesty, and your willingness to share your vulnerability. And, it’s heartwarming to read the comments from generous people who’ve taken time and thought in responding to you. Having said that, I guess what I’ll add is this…When I’ve allowed myself to talk myself out of what I know in my heart is the right thing, I’ve only succeeded in postponing the inescapable consequences that end up being much more painful in the long run. A best friend would not put you in such an awkward position…you tell him everything, yet he won’t introduce you to the person he intends to spend the rest of his life with. There is a real imbalance there…if you “feel dirty, like a secret”, it’s because he is being dishonest. It’s obvious that he wants to keep you as an insurance policy, of sorts…as you said, he wants his cake and to eat it too…but, that leaves you feeling like a crummy. Things change…change is really difficult…but, perhaps the letting go will, in time, be its own reward–given that you just might come to love and trust yourself more because of having the integrity to put yourself first. But, no matter what your decision, I believe you will learn from it, find your way through it, and you will be all right. 🙂
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Indeed I am blessed with thoughtful readers that share with me their thoughts and opinions. I credit this blog (and the readers) with saving my sanity at the time of the breakup and with giving me motivation to be a better person.
I love what you said here and the truth is that hard decisions such as this one that tugs at my heartstrings can only make me stronger. It was very difficult, now almost a month later I am feeling empowered by choosing “me” and standing up for the friendship I need and deserve.
Thank you so much and have a blessed weekend! 🙂
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You are welcome…wishing you a blessed weekend as well 🙂
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🙂
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