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embracing opprtunities, employment, hope and faith, learning lessons, life lessons, optimism, Paulo Coelho, possibilities, relationships, Rilke, Rumi, Uncertainty, welcoming problems
I have been writing, but I haven’t been posting. I normally write a post, step away from it for a little bit then I re-read and publish it. Lately by the time I reread it I feel the post no longer represents my feelings, or the opposite it is so honest it is painful, so I end up not publishing it all.
I don’t care about being a good writer but I care a great deal about being completely honest. I also care about never forgetting how blessed I am, so it is very hard for this blessed self assured optimist to write about feeling unhappy. What I have been writing about lately has me being portrayed as a victim. oh poor me! There is nothing I hate more than playing the victim.
“You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” Paulo Coelho
At this rate I will never post anything again so, for better or worse, I decided to give you a summary of what all those unpublished posts were about.
- Being unhappy at work. Lately I am having a love-hate relationship with my work. I no longer feel comfortable there and want a change. By the time I re-read 3 pages about all that is going on at work I realized that it was the victim in me speaking. My job is the same and, although, some of the co-workers are different, their attitude are the same (demanding self entitled know it alls). I am the one that changed. I am probably just being more sensitive and a bit bored.
What I know is that being momentarily unhappy and uncomfortable can be a good thing. It can make me look around and see what else I could be doing. Looking around can show me that I have better than most people. I have a good job with a good salary and good perks. I am my own boss there. If I get another job I will probably have to deal with people telling me what to do. Nothing worst for an Aries and Horse to be told what to do.
More than once last week I felt like quitting on the spot. Mortgages and a credit line help me realize that I cannot afford to be impulsive. Every job has good and bad, and mine is much better than most. Why throw that away?
Why just write and complain if I am not going to do anything about it? and immediately I start thinking of what to do. I can improve myself in all areas so that when opportunities come knocking I am ready to answer. I can also create my own opportunities instead of just waiting for it. I can get my resume out to test the market, network, take classes, be more involved in my industry, improve certain functions on my day to day.
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill
- Being unhappy with my body. My hip hurts, I am addicted to sugar, my waist is not as noticeable as before, and the list goes on and on. Truth is my body is amazing and it looks great for all I put it through. I don’t do the hip exercises as often as I should. I eat so much sugar it is a wonder I don’t just melt every time I get under the shower. My 30 minutes on the elliptical machine is an absolute joke; it is just a walk on the park while watching TV. So why just complain to you about that? Why try to justify to you the extra pounds? I know what I have to do. Writing pages about the unhappiness with my body is another way of avoiding doing what it needs to be done: more moving and less talking.
Start slow, be consistent. It is not a race. Ignore the little voices distracting me from the hard work. I am one of God’s amazing creations and I am perfect!
“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”- Simone Beauvoir
- Being unhappy with some actions I want to take. One example: I want to see someone I know it is not for me. When I say “see” I don’t mean date, I mean meet, and if the mood is right take things further. I crave intimacy. I realized that in writing that, I really wanted you (the reader and friend) to give me permission. I wanted you tell me that it is okay to act in the moment, enjoy my body and forget about the consequences. How unfair of me to put you in that position, to either condone my actions or point the error of my ways.
I know better! I know that I am deserving of more. Amazing chemistry can be, well, amazing, but if there is no future it is just not for me. He is wrong but he is comfortable I know what I am getting into, I have been there before – The moment was amazing, the after was less so (and back then he was not kind of taken as he is now, he was just not right for me). I don’t need you to point out what a big mistake would be to revisit the past. Even though it would be exciting and fun, it would not be enough to make me forget my morals. There is also a little detail called “karma”. Knowing something is wrong and doing it anyway will definitely attract bad karma. Why should I invite drama and not keep myself free from entanglements and open for the good to come in.
“it is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.” – Daisaku Ikeda
- I wrote about moments of total uncertainty, of so much doubt that I feel paralyzed. There are times I want to be rescued. I want a super-hero to step in and save the day, to show me the way, to guide me. Do you realize how difficult it is for me to actually write that?
At the end of the day I realize only I can rescue myself. The guidance I need comes from God and the Universe and is already within me. I just need to be quiet enough to listen to it. I need to tune out the distractions, the little doubtful voices of uncertainty and focus on hope and possibilities.
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.
…live in the question.” – Rainer Marie Rilke
Fear only appears to caution but not to paralyze me. Fear says: pay attention, this is important, so thread lightly. Troubles, problems, stress, uncertainty, discomfort, etc are all amazing sources to growth and wisdom. I want to befriend my fears, talk to them, listen to them. They have a lot to teach me.
Discomfort is also good to signal the need for a change. Nothing has ever been accomplished by people that were happy with status quo.
My list of unhappy posts goes on and on, but I gather from all this that my hesitation in posting certain things is because I don’t want to appear weak, depressive, lazy, needy, pessimistic. In those writings I seek comfort and approval. What an awful realization for someone so adventurous and self-assured like me . Or is this weak thing the real me?
I am blessed and complaining feels ungrateful and unjustified. But still I am human, flawed, imperfect, wanting someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay. In the end I am telling myself that I can have unhappy and weak moments but I don’t have to permanently stay there. I can see those moments for what they are: lessons to learn, test of faith.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi
What once was so natural to me: my optimism, now takes a little effort. But I am not afraid of challenges so I will embrace it all. I will concentrate on the positive, will make a point of seeing the beauty in everything and, most important, be grateful for all. I am opening my door to discomfort, problems, stress, unhappiness and all else, as I know that in the lessons and rewards they bring are limitless.
I will not freeze, even if slow, I will continue moving. I will continue forging ahead putting my heart and beliefs first. God has my back and is my strength, what am I to fear? Who am I to question that?
I will value myself and I will choose to be with people that value me and that make me feel good about myself. I give 100% and I am deserving of 100%, I am not settling for less, even for a moment!
I am not re-reading this, as I am already second guessing myself if I should post it. So please look past the typos and grammatical errors and take a dip in the murky waters of my mind.
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” – Paulo Coelho
Nine Cent Girl said:
Stop rereading… and just post! Thanks for sharing with honesty.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Yes Mam! 🙂 You are right and thank you for reading! Blessings!
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felicialinch said:
Loved this, such honesty and Authenticity . Life is a journey and we all have our ups and downs; and it’s in our times of weakness we should remember what the Lord said ‘His strength is made manifest in our weakness’. It’s during those times we can draw closer to him and in that time if leaning into him we get stronger.
X
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much!!So well said! The key is really to remember to hang on to our faith during the hard times! Many blessings! 🙂
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iKomusana said:
This is just awesome
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! You are awesome!! 🙂
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Fat Bottom Girl said:
So many things in here which I can really relate to right now–the job issues, the body issues, the paralyzing fear of not knowing what is coming next for me, and craving companionship, but not willing to sacrifice what I have worked so hard to achieve to settle for “less than”. Oh, by the way, I’m an Aries too! Thanks for sharing!! 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi my fellow Aries :-)In a few lines you have a perfect summary of how I feel! Let’s keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other, with a smile on our faces and hanging on to the truth that all these hardships will make us better! Here is to progress! Thank you and many blessing! 🙂
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Woebegone but Hopeful said:
Hello there.
This is an honest and open post. You’ve had the courage to put out here things which many folk could not.
I liken Life to taking a journey on the sea; sometimes you’re in the calm waters; then come the storms, and being becalmed, they all have their challenges.
A good and steady Life can sometimes lead to complacency, and with the best will in the world a certain insensitivity to others (Life’s Good. What’s your problem?); then when the problems come you’re not ready or hardened to handle them.
As I read your post, I sensed the important aspect you’ve hung onto are your senses of perspective and foresight, you know what can go wrong. Full steam ahead and damn the torpedoes is OK in some aspects of Life but not advisable as a Life Style. Its opposite Inertia and an affected style of Fatalism or Nihilism is just as bad, so glad to read you are resolved to Keep on Keeping On.
Yeh Life is tough and there are all sorts of grim places we find ourselves in and we know in hindsight many could have been avoided or handled better. During a very low time in answer to an older work colleague (who I guessed had fallen from a higher place in Life’s ladder) I replied ‘Oh you know…I’m surviving,’.. he looked at me calmly and said ‘Survival Is Good,’…sometimes it might be all we have for a time; if it gets us through to another better place….fine by me.
Take care
& Best wishes
Roger
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Roger, thank you so much for the thoughtful comment!
Complacent is exactly how I feel sometimes. Complacent, stuck, too comfortable, all things that don’t sit well with me. Life has thrown me a bunch of curve balls lately and now is time to “sink or swin”; it is time to really show how faithful and positive I am.
I love the anedote regarding your co-worker’s comment and he is right, sometimes just surviving is good enough.
Thank you again for giving me a lot food for thought! Have a blessed weekend! 🙂
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Woebegone but Hopeful said:
You too.
All the very best wishes to you.
Take care.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! 🙂
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utesmile said:
You are so wonderfully honest. You know we do have those weeks where we feel like that. With work I feel the same and I have to remind myself that I am lucky to have this job and it is so convenient. Other days I think, yes it is a great job and I have lovely people around me. I think we need more job satisfaction. Well, and you don’t need to ask permission, you are free and single you can do what you like, do what you need and don’t look back, enjoy the moment. Remember you are a beautiful lovely woman, appreciate yourself and Life will look happier again. Hugs Ute
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Ute. I try to be honest, but sometimes I even lie to myself. I guess it is a self defense mechanism. Unfortunately even though I am single and free, at this moment I don’t feel I can do whatever I want, as far as work. I like the fact that I am able to help my family financially and would hate to not be able to do it anymore. So I guess I am putting that pressure on myself now and need to find a middle ground.
Thank you so much for always being there with a kind and supportive word! wishing you a blessed weekend! 🙂
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djdfr said:
I enjoy reading your entries. I find that you usually have the answers to your questions.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I am so glad you enjoy reading. I have been accused of thinking I have all the answers lol perhaps that is why I try to look for an answer or a lesson in every situation. Thank you and have a blessed weekend! 🙂
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DeeScribes said:
Just because you write it, doesn’t mean you have to share it with the world. Writing is very therapeutic – look at all you learned! Good luck to you on your changes. You can do whatever you need to do – as you say, it is in you!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi, Yes you are right on not me not having to share everything, but on the other hand it makes me feel like a fraud or a liar if I choose to write only things that I think will make me look good. I want my blog to be me, or as close as possible. Also, perhaps others can relate to how I am feeling. Wishing you a blessed weekend! I thank you for reading and being a supportive friend! 🙂
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noelleg44 said:
Lots of angst and honesty here. Find one thing each day that lightened your day or made you smile. That one thing can get you through.
I was in the same spot twice in my career – remembered the words of an old song:
If we all could wear green glasses now
Wouldn’t be so hard
To see how green the grass is
In our own backyard.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Noelle, that is a great idea, I will keep it in mind. Today we had the visit of a co-worker’s 9 month old baby girl and these little brightened up my day immediately. I never heard that song before, but it is very true. Wishing you a blessed rest of week! 🙂
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noelleg44 said:
Bless you! And I hope you find some joy each and every day!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! There is joy all around, some days I just need to look harder for it 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
Thank you so for writing. The post was amazing and spoke dearly to me. Perhaps, it was written just for me, but I doubt that. Each person reading will see something different.
I, too, have been changing and feeling those changes. The changes are good for me, make me a better person, and allow me to become a step or two better in enlightenment. Not all would approve of the changes, but still, if they are correct for me…
Our lives parallel a lot.
Stay on your path, listen to God and your heart, and you will be fine.
Scott
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Scott. Thank you for reading and always making my day brighter! Perhaps I did write it for you, one never knows 🙂
I am glad that you are working hard on changing the things that you are not happy with you. At the end of the day, you are the only one that have to be okay with your changes, others will adjust.
And thank you for the wise advice! Many blessings! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
Hearing from you does wonders!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You are so kind as usual 🙂 I will say hi often
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kindredspirit23 said:
Please do. Really makes my day!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Scott, I hope you and your family are having an awesome holiday weekend! Many blessings!
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kindredspirit23 said:
We don’t much celebrate the 4th, but I took a day for myself and am enjoying the weekend. Thanks.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I am glad that you are learning to take time for yourself and create some enjoyment! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
I do what I wish and am satisfied with that. lol
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Good for you! The only person you need to please is yourself!! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
Sometimes, I forget that.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I will make a point of reminding you every now and then! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
I may hold you to that (if I remember!)
Funeral for Dad was today. I am fairly exhausted, but ready for something new. I don’t know if that dichotomy makes sense, but….it is what it is.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
We will just try to remind each other 🙂 that is what we are here for, to help each other, to share, to improve.
Only time will help with the pain you are now feeling. An ending is always a new beginning. You mother will need you more than even now and I know you will be strong and there for her.
I am praying for you and sending blessings and light! No one can stop you now Superhuman! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
Now, if I can just remember where I put that cape…
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A Star on the Forehead said:
oh you don’t even need a cape 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
Yeah, but chicks dig the cape! 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hahaha some chicks do, but I go more for what is under the cape 😉
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kindredspirit23 said:
I shall never look at a cape the same way again!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
🙂
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elizabetcetera said:
Reading other people’s blogs is interesting … I always enjoy yours. I appreciate the intermittent quotes that have me stop and reflect.
So … sounds like you have 3 things you’re not happy about:
1) THE job
2) Your weight & body appearance
3) No person (probably a male) presence
When you don’t like your job it can seem like it consumes your entire life because we spend so much time at work. When you don’t like what you do, or the people you work with (or for) or are simply bored (unchallenged) it can seem like endless days that are never going to change making us feel powerless and out of control. When you feel like you can’t control or actively change something you get a feeling of being trapped or stuck — NOT a good feeling by any means.
Perhaps there IS something you can change in your job if you don’t change jobs. Maybe you can reduce your hours, meet some other people, ask to take on a special project, stop working overtime if you are and/or focus precisely on the aspects of the job you do like.
I can relate to not being happy at work for a few years. I’ve been in the same job for 11 years now! I was finally able to reduce my hours asking during a time when it was possible. I now have Wednesdays off — an island in the middle of the week! I still have full health benefits but now I have more me time. I also requested to stop being my boss’s fill-in when she was absent — this was a huge pride thing for me. I sat down and really thought about relinquishing this responsibility. I actually hate doing her job … I like my own role. I appreciate that I got to do her job and learn about it, but realized it’s nothing I want to take over. I had to deal with the pride aspect because for me this means killing the idea of ever being “the boss” in the future. I felt like a put a nail in my career coffin, but I’m so much happier and relaxed now. What I’m trying to get across is that if you can’t actually change to a different job see what you can actually change within your existing job and see if these help you find some more peace at place where we spend so much of our lives.
Your weight and body … you probably think about this when you’re not mind-harping on how much your job bothers you. You can have a lot of control over your weight and appearance and this should give you some solace. While we can’t instantly gain muscle over a week and shed 20 lbs. in a few days, we can make small everyday changes … and perhaps you can think about patience and about BEING healthy instead of thin / muscular / the size when you were 18-years-old, etc.
The male presence issue …well, that one’s not easy because you can’t instantly poof Mr. McRight into your life. I say do the things you like to do — social things that include men, focus on keeping QUALITY people in your life and move away from anyone (those that you can) who are negative and promote negative energy into your life.
Keep your head up! Take care of YOU and keep sharing your thoughts with us! 🙂 I wish you the absolute best in the meantime!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
How wonderful that my blog is one of those that you read and enjoy! Thank you so much for caring enough to put so much thought in this comment.
1) The job
Very on point regarding the feeling of powerlessness and being trapped (not enjoying the job but having to stay due to the salary).
I work for a tiny company and I am already at the top there so there is nowhere else to go, unless I want to be a broker, which is something that I never wanted to do, this job is it. Reducing the hours is an idea or even taking an extra day off, but being a control freak is hard for me not being there, but your comment did get me thinking about it, and who knows where that little seed of thought will end up?
Also, as you mention, I am trying to network more on my industry and trying to see what I like most about my job and concentrate on those areas.
I applaud you for putting your well being first at the risk of sacrificing your career future, but I believe that you need to be happy and that will bring about more/other opportunities. Having Wednesday off is making me so envious of you right now!!
2) Your weight & body appearance
Again, you are right, if I am not happy in one are it travels to the others. Truth is my body is not that different than a year ago. This week I made an effort to wear a dress and dress up every single day and dressing up has made me feel better. And all my dresses are fitting the same. Patience is indeed the keyword for me. I need to be okay with little steps and little progress instead of wanting everything right now. Truth is I don’t want to be thin as that is not my body type, I just want to make sure that I don’t let myself go and all of a sudden way 300 pounds and all flabby.
My exercise remains the same this week but I put more effort in eating less sugar and dressing better and I feel awesome.
3) No person (probably a male) presence
I realized that what I miss is the dressing up and going out and having a drink and flirting with a man. I don’t really need a man in my life 24/7 and forever but I miss the flirting game. So I signed up for Plenty of Fish again and I actually met(not in person yet, a few interesting men). We shall see where it will lead. Perhaps I like the chase. I know I should have been born a male lol
Unfortunately and it is hard for me to admit, but not so hard that it makes me stop, I am still flirting with “disaster”. While I haven’t seen him in a long time and perhaps I will never see him again (even though we are always talking about having a drink). Our flirty texting makes me feel alive and sexy so I am allowing myself that for now.
Again I thank you for investing time, energy and effort in giving me your opinion and such great advice. You brighten my life!
Wishing you a blessed holiday weekend! 🙂
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elizabetcetera said:
I wish you a great weekend and wonderful things that eventually come your way. 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for your support always! 🙂
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genuinesubgirl said:
You are utterly entitled to feel and share all of those things… And more. The facts of you being blessed and an optimist do not change the facts that life and moments happen and you deserve to doubt and question and wallow as it suits your need at the moment. Don’t re-read … Post! Luv you for all of who you are!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you girl for the love, support and kind words! Blessings! 🙂
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