Tags
age difference, Dating, honesty, insecurity, lies, white lies
“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.” – ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko
The last few days I have been wrestling with that question: When is a lie a lie?
To me there is really no gray area. If someone withholds the truth then he/she is lying. Not only it is a lie, but it is also an enormous lack of respect. Does the person think I am not deserving of the truth? Or perhaps he/she thinks I cannot handle the truth?
But upon further thinking, I have fudged the truth in the past to protect the innocent or not to worry someone needlessly, such as when my mother asks me if everything is fine and even though all is not well I tell her it is because I know she will go insane with worry.
But when even before getting to know someone the person hides the truth makes me feel weird. It seems we are starting with a lie. What else is he hiding? Let me explain:
I went on a date with someone on Friday night. His age on his profile was listed at 51. In reality he is turning 62 in 2 months.
We hadn’t spoken on the phone before meeting but we had exchanged many emails so I feel he had plenty of chance to come clean and he didn’t. He could have told me when we first met, again he did not. He only told me when I asked. I am not even sure why I asked, because he doesn’t look that age.
“One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.” ― Al David
Many people shave a few years off of their age in their profiles. Some say they do that because they look and feel younger for their age. Others say they put in the wrong date originally and then they cannot change it. Whatever the excuse maybe, to me it is just that, an excuse.
With all that being said I am going to dinner with him again tonight!
I would normally dismiss him for that reason alone but I am trying to be more open-minded and not too judgmental of people. I also think that people deserve a second changed, so I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would hate for somebody to dismiss me for some stupid reason and not give me a second chance.
Also I had a great time on the date. He was a gentleman and it felt like I was having dinner with an old friend.
But, there is always a “but”, can I get over the fact that he hid that little detail from me. At this point I question if he is hiding anything else. Can I ever trust him?
Am I making a big deal of it and trying, again, to sabotage a potential relationship.
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Now the other, and perhaps, more important question is, am I going to be okay with the age difference? I am going to be 48 at the end of the month but I do look much younger. I usually say that I am 47, look like I am 37, act like I am 27 and feel like 17.
But really, is age just a number?
Can I handle the age difference? He doesn’t look or act like he is older than me. The funny thing is that the last person I briefly dated, actually dated is not the right word, we went out several times but decided that being friends was a better idea, well he is 32.
It is just funny to go from 32 to 62 – wow, it sounds ridiculous even to me!!! I need to find someone my own age!!
Also one think I crave in a man is confidence! Lying about age sounds like insecurity. Perhaps I find more acceptable for a woman to lie about her age than for men to do it.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- ― Lucille Ball
Maggie Wilson said:
This is a great piece of writing, and I thank you for that. My niece experienced exactly the same thing, only the decades were different. She is in her early 20’s and he told her that he was mid 20’s. Turns out he’s 10 years older. When she came to me to talk about it, the first thing I said is – the age difference I don’t care about. The fact that he lied? I care about that.
Blessed, I applaud your second chance policy. This will give you an opportunity to see just how important a) the age difference really is, and b) if you can live with the lie. It might be the thing that you laugh about twenty years down the road. Or it might be the line you cannot cross.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much for your words. I just returned from the second date and it was even better than the first. I am tempted to put that one detail (I don’t even want to use the word lie) aside for now and see what develops.
I know that I am if I catch anything else that is not the absolute than there is no third chance!
Blessings! 🙂
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SouthernWild said:
My husband is 16 years older then me but he does not look his age, nor act his age, but he is more mature, stable and secure then any men my age. As for him not telling you his age without you asking I do not think that is a lie, a lie would have been to tell you he was 50 when he is 62, he told you the truth when you asked. Also you did not mention here in your post, but did you ask him why his age is listed younger then he is on his profile? How old is his profile, I know some sites you join, put in your age, and 10 years later is still says you are 40 when your are now 50. Just ask him tonight why he didn’t tell you his real or actual age without you having to ask him. See what he says. Good Luck.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi I just return from the second date and it was awesome. I did ask and he said that his son had done his profile for him a couple of years ago and had shaved a few years, and that when he tried to change he couldn’t (a lot people say that, so I am inclined to think that the age is not easily to change).
I like that older men, at least in my experience, are more chivalrous, I love having the car door opened, being helped with my coat and all of that stuff that makes me feel taken care of.
I am glad that you found someone that you are happy with, many blessings to you both! 🙂
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SouthernWild said:
So glad it all has turned out great for you. Good Luck!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! 🙂
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A Prophetic Walk said:
I would be leery of someone who starts off lying, but make sure your information is correct. Someone once thought I was lying about my age because they looked me up online not knowing my sister-in-law and I share the same name. She is older and our information is always mixed up, even down to our credit reports. 😉
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I am proceeding with caution. I had an awesome second date but I am not letting my guard down and if I ever doubt any other untruth there is not another chance. It was not a flat out lie, so I am trying to keep an open mind. Blessings! 🙂
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A Prophetic Walk said:
I hear you.
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billgncs said:
It’s a warning – but two lies can sometimes be understood – when one is being kind, or one is afraid – I suppose you must determine which one it is.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I like that word “warning”, because that is how I am using it. The second date was even better, and I am choosing to keep an open mind. He told me today that he was afraid that I would not go out with him if he had clarified the age confusion, but that he was definitely going to tell me on the date.
I still don’t like that answer but he has this goodness about him that I like to be around, so we will see…
Many blessings! 🙂
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kimberlyharding said:
wonderful opening quote. I had never heard it before, and no pun intended, it is so true.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
It is a new quote to me too. I realized how many times people go silent because they don’t want to tell the truth and they also don’t want to lie. Silence does speaker louder than words some times! Blessings! 🙂
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Pink Ninjabi said:
Love your quest! Your wisdom makes me smile
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Another reason to smile: The second date was awesome! Awesome food, drinks, a lot laughter and even more flirting!! 🙂
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uniquelymeme said:
Well that is a small lie. But if he does it again dump him lol well only if he lies about small things because no telling what he will lie about next.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
He is getting no additional chances; two strikes he is out! So far so good, second date went great and no detectable untruths! Blessings! 🙂
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amaezed said:
We all lie. We have since birth. We find it convenient. It get’s us out of trouble. White lies. Lies of Omission; lying by keeping silent, not telling, too scared, don’t want to hurt anyone. Honest men are a veritable rarity and always in trouble for telling it like it is. What happened to diplomacy? Is diplomacy like telling a white fib? Does it pacify or make it worse? I think you can be civil and not lie. Lying is much like greed, we like it but it’s killing us…read more…http://amaezed.wordpress.com/love/lies/
cheers
ps kids when secretly filmed were told not to look into a box that was left with them in a room. After leaving each kid alone, each kid took a peak and…took the candy that was inside the box. When asked if they looked inside the box and took the candy..they said an emphatic NO!. this is kids. my rule about lying is this; with matters of the heart..I will never, ever lie. When someone is prying into my life and I don’t want them to and they ask questions I don’t want to answer. Just to get around this incessant questioning…I tell them WHATEVER and contrary to the real truth. In personal situations with women, I am sometimes hated for telling the truth. Go figure…
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Very good points. Perhaps lying is innate in us. As I analyze the situation I agree with you, we all lie for many different reasons and there are many shades of lies. In matter of the hearts I want to say I am completely honest but have I really?
sometimes my reality is real to me, but some thing completely different to others.
When I asked the question he told me the truth, so perhaps this is good for me at the moment.
One step at a time for the moment! Blessings! 🙂
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amaezed said:
The answers to life are to get rid of the questions!. Cheers
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bonnevivantelife said:
Good luck on the second date!! I think you’re smart to have identified these red flags, and continue assessing! Only time will tell regarding what the answers to those questions are–keep us posted!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! Everything about the second date was awesome! Amazing restaurant, opened the car door, sweet kiss! We are proceeding, with caution, but I think there will be a third date!
Blessing! 🙂
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bonnevivantelife said:
🙂
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newbloggycat said:
I like Lucille Ball’s quote 🙂 I believe he lied about his age in the profile just so that chances of him getting a date is better :(. If I have to choose between 32 & 62, I’ll go for 62. Age is really just a number. Anyway, just take one date at a time….he could be Mr. Right 🙂 Alll the best *(^__*)*
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! That is exactly what I am doing, one date at a time!! Blessings! 🙂
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aobeamber said:
The more terrible the lie looks, the more people believe in it.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
That is so true! lol they say if you are going to lie make it a crazy story! Blessings! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
I fudge a bit on my profile. Just about 1 year. It’s not for how I look, feel, or act. It’s more than that and less. I do it because I am not putting my real birthday on any site unless it is mandatory for banking or money reasons. That doesn’t make it any more the truth, but I think 1 year is not beneficial to my profile, just my security. I would have problems with someone who lied 10 years or so. I hope your date works out.
Scott
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Scott
What I am realizing is that everyone tells little white lies for the most varied reasons and in their minds they make it okay. It is up to us to decide if that little untruth is important to us or not.
To me not wanting to give the exact birthday is a case of safety and not of being untruthful!
The date went well, I think there will be a third date.
Many blessings! 🙂
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kindredspirit23 said:
Good for you.
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Don't Quote Lily said:
Good for you for keeping an open mind! Glad to see the second date went very well too! And I love the quotes in this post…they are spot on!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! I realized that I was not being as open minded non-judgmental as I thought I was, so lately I am going for more open minded and less judgmental! It makes me feel lighter and freer! Blessings! 🙂
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Tienny said:
How to show disagreement through silence? 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
humm, well, I like to talk so to be silent is real hard, but lately I realize that I don’t have to voice everything. so lately my disagreement is silent 🙂 Many blessings! 🙂
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Tienny said:
Many blessings too 🙂
For me, I am being too silent until my parents highlight to me to voice out
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A Star on the Forehead said:
…and very obedient too! good for you! 🙂
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Tienny said:
🙂 thanks
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