Tags
anger, break-up, Dating, expectations, grieving process, healing, Kabbalah, letting go of the past, love, stages of grief
I am being forced to write this post. Yes there is someone holding a gun to my head. That someone is my conscience.
This blog has been a lifesaver. I feel I owe my sanity to it. Therefore I feel I cannot not share some feelings just because they show a side of me that I don’t like. You are my friend and have been here through thick and thin, so you deserve to know how angry I am at this moment. Anger is not me, and I don’t want to be seen as an angry person, but at this moment I am!
“The world needs more anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.”
― Bede Jarrett
I don’t advocate anger, but I am welcoming anger at this point. It feels liberating! It feels I am one step closer to being free. This elusive freedom seems harder than I had fathomed! Freedom from what you may ask? Freedom from thinking about Ex.
Here I go again talking about him. He is a subject that should have been dead and buried a long time ago. But anytime I seem to forget about him, something snaps me right back to the starting point.
I am here to tell you right now that anger can, at times, be a good thing. It can open your eyes and be a healing force. It can force someone to face a tough issue and snap someone into action. It is strange to me to see anger in such a way, or perhaps it is just my positive self trying to be positive about something so negative. I have to make this anger work for me. This anger feels long overdue. I had thought that I had been lucky enough to have never felt this angry towards my Ex. I was proud of not having anger in my heart for him or anybody else. I had periods of being mad, but nothing like what I have been feeling the last few days. I realize we may jump around the grief process, but eventually we will get to all of them. My grief as it turns out is not over!
What was the straw the broke the camel’s back? A text with a picture! Something snapped inside of me when I received this one text from Ex. How dare he still text me after I had expressly asked for no contact and he agreed.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
― Gloria Steinem
He sent me a text with a picture of him and the Kids. It is a long story but he had not seen his kids in a long time, so them all together is nothing shorter than a miracle. The ex-wife is a nightmare and always tried to prevent the kids from having a relationship with the father. He is a lousy partner but a great father and deserves to see the kids and the kids need to see him.
I know that some of you will say that he wanted to share his happiness with me. Well, he is not allowed to anymore! I have asked for no contact, no contact means not contact. He is happy I know! I am happy for him. But I don’t care to know about his life at this point. I am angry over everything regarding Ex and I am angry over having kept the door open to him. How could I have looked at everything he did so lightly? How could I have continued to engage in communication with him?
Perhaps it was the caption on the picture that read: ‘”The whole family together again”, or perhaps that he wrote that the kids asked about me and sent their love. Perhaps still, it was the assumption that who took the picture was the new girlfriend; well I am sure of it! So after being happy for him, I was mad.
There is one point where you need to stop being polite and just start watching out for yourself. I am there!
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
― Aristotle
I am angry at myself for being angry and for still having all these bottled up feelings for him. I feel that I should have been this angry 2 years ago. I was going to ignore the text. I let it marinated overnight, but by the next day at noon I had only grown angrier and even though my sister and my co-worker suggested that I either ignore it or just say that I was happy for him, I had to go and tell him exactly how I felt. I told him how it hurts me to hear from him. How I don’t want to be contacted again and don’t care to know about his life. I also mentioned how I thought the new girlfriend was a good replacement for me. I am not proud of that text, but I don’t regret it either.
He and I cannot be friends, no matter how much time goes by. We have no reason to be friends or have any communication (unlike couples that have children together). So I am finally letting go of this illusion of being friends one day. I don’t want to be friends with someone that has done what he has done to me, someone that continues to be clueless as to how much he hurt me and to the ramification of his actions, and someone that only thinks about himself. To this day he has never acknowledged any wrongdoing, and continues to lie to people saying that I moved out to be closer to my job and that we are still friends. He created a lie and he believes in it. I refuse to participate in that lie anymore.
He hasn’t replied to my text and I don’t expect or want a reply. I said what I had to say and I don’t want to hear or talk about him anymore.
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
― Maya Angelou
This anger allowed me to see things clearer. It allowed me to look around and realize that I was still keeping him around in things. So I burned the letter that he sent me, which, when I received it, had made me happy and had felt like a good closure. I burned some proof I had of his cheating – I know he cheated I don’t need to proof to anybody. I deleted all the emails and the pictures. I don’t know why I was keeping those things around, but it feels awesome to have those things gone. I could have just thrown those things away, but there is nothing like burning them with white sage incense. It felt like a ritual of getting rid of the past and cleansing the path for the future.
“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”
― Malcolm X
So, I am hoping this is the last chapter on the Ex story, but even as I write this I think of a never ending bad Halloween movie.
***
On a separate note, I went to my first Kabbalah class last night. I really enjoyed it because it seems to validate what I already believe in. The teacher talked about the need to stop being reactive. I had always saw my reactive behavior and impulsiveness as being a good thing, as a sign that I was following my heart and my instincts, but of late I had started to question that and realize that one thing had nothing to do with the other. Yesterday it felt like a validation of my thoughts.
Perhaps I am already brainwashed :), but it appeared that the teacher was talking directly to me. Everything fit me to a T, specially when it came to relationships.
I am eager to learn more and perhaps share things that I find useful.
***
I am going on a date tonight!!! After a long time with no dates I am meeting a handsome, smart and funny Englishman tonight. We have spoken on the phone a few times but had not met before because of how busy I had been with my Mom and because of his travels.
Do I think he is the one? Well, I don’t accept an invitation unless I see potential. I don’t want to waste anybody’s time or my own. I am choosing not to have huge expectations. All I expect is a fun time with a potential friend.
I am excited about being out at a social setting, having a drink and flirting my ass off!! Did I mention that he appears to have very kissable lips? Well I don’t normally go kissing anyone on the first date, but it has been a long time and my lips have been lonely! Oh and his accent is both sexy and powerful… I am thinking I should have only one drink …
“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits. (January 11)”
― Sarah Ban Breathnach
utesmile said:
You know, sometimes it is good to be angry about the past and it helps to deal with it. I think you did the right thing, with your text back.
Good luck wiht the date, if he is not the one, enjoy an evening out anyway! Flirt away and enjoy!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I agree! It felt good to validate this anger!
Unless this guy turns out to be a complete different person from the one I was talking to on the phone, I think I will have a great time. I will report on the date tomorrow!
Thank you and many blessings! 🙂
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Break Up And Shine said:
I really enjoyed reading that, it sounds like you got a lot off your chest! Have great fun on your date, you deserve it xx
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! You are right, I feel lighter and ready to have fun tonight!! Blessings! 🙂
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catterel said:
Sounds as if you are moving forward … 😀
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A Star on the Forehead said:
indeed, making progress, albeit slowly! Blessings! 🙂
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kappello said:
Righteous anger is not bad, and can move you to do do something to bring about positive change. It’s revenge anger that is not productive, but righteous anger, hey that we need sometimes.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! That is a great comment and great way to differentiate anger. I am glad to say that revenge was never in my vocabulary. I am angry for all he has done but still only wish him happiness. After all, if you really love someone you only want their happiness.
Many blessings! 🙂
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kappello said:
Blessings to you also. One is right to be angry at the actions, and as I always say, one can reject the sin, but still pray for the sinner to turn away from their sins and come to realize all the wrong they have done, to come to truth for their sake and society’s.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
wow, that is great to look at it and to be! Every time he comes to mind I say a prayer called the Forgiveness Prayer (saying I forgive him and he forgives me). I also add that I hope he changes his ways, otherwise it will only lead to unhappiness for him and any woman that crosses his path!
thank you for the positive ideas!
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kappello said:
Very Welcome.
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Ann "afriend4ever54" Friend said:
This too shall pass 😀 Have a great time! 😀
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Some times not fast enough lol, but it all passes indeed! Thank you and many blessings! 🙂
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Ann "afriend4ever54" Friend said:
Your are welcome. 😀
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Susan P said:
Yes!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
🙂
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newbloggycat said:
Just want to wish you tenderness for the past. I think you deserve someone better 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I thank you for the good wishes and I agree I deserve someone better and I am sure he is just around the corner! 🙂 Many blessings! 🙂
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newbloggycat said:
😉
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michal Li said:
Hey I took some kabbalah sses at the center in NYC a couple years & found it very interesting. I wear my red string every day . Good luck with it .cla
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A Star on the Forehead said:
That is where I am taking classes. I don’t know anything about a red string, but then again, I had only my first class. Thank you and many blessings to you! 🙂
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Don't Quote Lily said:
Good for you! I think in this case, anger is helping you to move on! I definitely think it’s for the best to end all kind of contact with each other, so here’s hoping! I hope your date went well too. 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! I feel lighter and freer already! I am reporting on my date tomorrow, so tune in for it! 🙂 Blessings! 🙂
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elizabeth2560 said:
This is an excellent post. The quote is correct that anger brings about action. We all need that sometimes. I too find it difficult to express anger.
LOVE this quote ““The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much! The anger has now subsided, but it was very instrumental in pushing me forward! I guess my lesson here is to not try to suppress my feelings and emotions. Even if I think a feeling is negative, they have a reason for being. Many blessings! 🙂
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mjthecreator said:
Your anger for him sounds totally justified, don’t think it will go away until it teaches you whatever you need to learn from the experience and speak your truth to him and anyone else who you care to tell. and part b, when you have fully forgiven yourself for being with him in the first place and whatever role you played in the past which you now regret, forgive nad let go to give yourself peace.
so sorry to hear about what happened and wishing you the absolute best in the future! you certainly deserve it!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I always try to encounter situations and feelings with an open mind so that I can learn what I need from it and move on to the next lesson, but that doesn’t always work out as I intend. Some times I am too blind to see what is right in front of my eyes. It is hard for me to think that I have any guilt in what has happened, but I am finding out that one way or another I am equally guilty. After all I chose him, so I now have to make sure to learn so that I don’t repeat that same lesson again.
Thank you for the wise and kind words and well wishes! I wish you the same, and I know that all will turn out okay! Blessings 🙂
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Pink Ninjabi said:
Its like you read my mind, and wrote everything I was thinking about! My recent post had so many eff words FINALLY letting the anger out that it was like a relief to not turn it inward (aka depression). And all your quotes are tweetable! Especially how anger can fuel change, and betterment of ourselves versus bitterness which only leads to self destruction and stuck-ness. Thank you so very much for being an inspiration.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
We do, at times, lead parallel lives. I never realize what a moving force anger can be. It was that final push I needed to break free.
I cannot say it is the last I will talk about Ex, but it certainly feels like I am free from those invisible chains!
Thank you and be angry if you want to, but don’t stay there. Take the anger and use as stepping stone to take you higher and forward! Blessings! 🙂
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Pink Ninjabi said:
Absolutely! My thing was not being angry enough, and taking on the guilt instead of realizing his responsibility versus mine… thank you again.. its been helping me to get some of this poison out that has been sitting in me for so long…
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Don’t keep anything inside, good or bad. Get the poison out of your system and leave room for new and good things to come. Takes 2 people to have a relationship and I realize that both have some fault. Just admit yours and move on. And your fault could just be attracting that kind of person to begin with. Be angry, forgive yourself, love yourself and others will too!
many blessings to you! 🙂
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Pink Ninjabi said:
Thank you soo much… yes, getting things out has been helpful in letting me move on and to see things from a better perspective, versus keeping it all inside. My issue was really, catching a fish I didn’t want, and not throwing it back when it wasn’t right for me. I read recently that fear of abandonment can mean pleasing people to the point where they are going to leave us anyways because they really weren’t people we should have kept around anyways. That we need to establish boundaries and the right ones will adjust themselves, and others will leave, but to let them. I keep sacrificing what I want because I thought I wasn’t good enough to ask for what I wanted (see Joy Luck Club). And now that I realize that you are screwed anyways, if you don’t ask, so you might as well, makes me realize how little I valued myself and how much I need to build my esteem by seeing my worth. Relationships can help, but ultimately, it needs to come from ourselves.
thank you for being that gem in our life 😀
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You have grown so much this past year! I love the fish analogy.
You have been reading amazing empowering stuff! That is great!
It is so right that you have to be yourself and not bend over backwards to keep somebody around that doesn’t want to be with us and that will eventually leave anyway.
Keep going you are doing amazing! The pain that we suffered allows us to be open to all these lesson. It is a beautiful amazing thing that you are learning so much about yourself, and you are right, the most important thing is that it has to come from you!!
A blessed week ahead! 🙂
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Pink Ninjabi said:
Hugsss… I keep thinking of all the lessons I have learned from reading about you. I feel like we have so much in common. I LOVE this song and dedicate it to you..
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A Star on the Forehead said:
WOW. Thank you so much for making my Sunday evening even better! You are the great one! Many blessings! 🙂
ps. Can you believe I had never heard that song before. It is beautiful!
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Pink Ninjabi said:
Really? Me too! I was at the gym and it caught my eye, the lyrics and melody. It’s sooo beautiful… 😀 I’m glad you liked it!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
It was very nice of you to think of me! Thanks again! 🙂
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