“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite”
― Cassandra Clare
I was talking to my sister the other day when she said that I was different after the break up with Ex. I asked: Different how? She said: Angrier!
I was shocked! I never expected that answer! If anything I thought she would have said happier or more at peace, anything along those lines. But angrier???
At first I was speechless. For several seconds my mind went numb and I didn’t know what to think, then for another brief second, thoughts of asking for examples of such behavior came to mind.
When I actually recovered my ability to speak I went into defensive mode explaining how what had happened to me would change anyone. I felt the need to explain how my disappointment was so intense and painful that my only defense was to change. No more Miss Nice Girl! Of course she didn’t need to hear any of the excuses for my change, as you guys don’t need to hear all of the details on how hurt I was, as you have heard all of that before.
But, was I really angrier? Any traumatizing event is certain to leave a mark. This was the most traumatizing event of my life. No, I have not lived a sheltered life. I left Brazil at 17 with no English and no money. I certainly had to grow up fast and had my share of bad times. But even with everything that I have lived through in my life, with my father battling cancer and coming up triumphant as an example of a terribly difficult time, this break up was an event that I thought it would kill me.
I didn’t need to ask my sister for examples. I knew she was right.
The aftershocks of this break up are still ongoing. I had certainly hoped that all my changes would be for the better. I never thought I would lash out and be angry towards the ones I love the most. I thought the break up had proved my ability to forgive and to continue to love above all things. I thought if anything I had became more forgiving of human imperfections. I forgave Ex and understood the need to look inside myself and take some ownership of my role in the relationship. I thought I had dealt with things and had moved on.
“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”
― Marcel Proust
But indeed I am angry! I am angry at the Universe for showing me true love and then taking it away. Why must you send me a man that treats me like a Princess for 3 years and then have that fairy tale just fall apart? Why make me think that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life and then make the rest of my life last only 3 years. What now? I don’t know who I am now. How to fix a crystal vase? You can’t! You can try, but the imperfections are visible. Those are all questions that I thought had already been put to rest and then all of a sudden they come to the surface again.
I am more impatient. I want things done yesterday. I am tougher on people closer to me. I expect more, I expect people to proof themselves. I thought I was just being an Aries, but instead was more than that, I am still dealing with hurt.
I am extremely tough on dates. They have their work cut out for them. It will not be easy getting into my heart anymore. I guess I am being difficult with everyone to keep them away from me. Perhaps my anger is my bullet proof vest .
It all gets back to Ex. Why is that, 2 years after he still feel as fresh in my life as if it was yesterday? No, I am not in love with him anymore, but I have come to the realization that I will love him forever.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi
Ex is a scar in my body and my life and it is up to me to decide how I want to display that scar. Hide it as a shameful secret? Show it off as a badge of honor? Ignore it as a non-event? Or come to love it and accept as a natural life occurence?
I have instances when I want to talk to him and demand an apology. In my mind, if I heard him accepting his mistakes and apologizing for them, then it would be okay for me to be friends with him. I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself. We trade texts once in a blue moon on superficial matters. At those times I catch myself caring about him and thinking of him as a friend. I see myself wanting to share news with him. When I catch myself I am terrified! I quickly make a mental effort to remember all the lies and betrayals. We are not friends, and can never be! We share a past and that is it! I am so afraid to let him back in my life!
Why is it so easy for me to be angry at others and yet to be angry at him it takes effort?
When I think I am over it all, that I am a better person for it, I realize I am an angrier person for it. Back to the drawing board!! Back to trying to figure things out! Back to trying to be whole again, and not just damaged goods!
I am so confused, and I am diving my heart crazy! One second I tell it to just love! Love all things, love the ones who love you, but above all, love the ones that hurt you even more. And then I feel the need to remind it of what happens when you love, how vulnerable you become, and how you become a prey.
Yet I know better than to become this old angry woman! I thank my sister for making me realize that I had made a wrong turn on the road to recovery. I promise to be more watchful of my words and actions. Hurting anyone with angry words is not what I wanted or intended.
“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…”
― Nicholas Sparks
I will continue to tell my heart to love above all things! But it is also okay to be a little guarded. Navigating that fine line will be key!
This is a post that I never saw it coming, but it is here and now I have to deal with it! I feel somewhat embarrassed for such a post, for such weakness, for all of a sudden feeling less of a poster girl in dealing with a breakup, for such unawareness about myself. But what am I dealing with it here? The true definition of love and forgiveness? The different ways in which pain manifests itself? Just another stage in the grieving process? Surviving the loss of love? How I see myself versus how the word sees me? Inability to let go of the past? Lies we tell ourselves?
Final thought: Just love, love, love and when in doubt, love some more!
Blessed with a Star on the Forehead 
My dear, we all change after a breakup, and I think angry feelings are ok, he did hurt you. I do not have the impression you are an angry person though. After a breakup we want to protect ourselves and shield ourselves,from getting hurt again, so we don’t give our love so freely anymore. I totally understand that, as I do the same. My friends keep saying that I have changed for the better, as I am more independet now, I am more confident and have my freedom. (and don’t have dinner ready at 6 for him .. 🙂 ) I love my freedom and I will maintain that even if I get into another relationship. I am my own person and it seems I wasn’t so much before.
Forget about him totally start loving yourself, love the people and friends around you and show them that you can do it. Be free and enjoy it. Change things in your life, I keep constantly changing things, I love change.
Much love and a hug for you! You are lovely.
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Hi Ute. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing some of your life! You made me laugh with the comment about not having dinner ready at 6 pm. Sometimes when I eat a late dinner at 8 or 9 I smile to myself as Ex needed/wanted to eat before 6 pm.
I don’t consider myself an angry person but do realize that I have been testier and impatient with my family.
I do love change (for the most part, the break up was not a welcomed change lol)
Thank you for the love, hugs and kind words! Same to you! A blessed week to you! 🙂
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I think dealing with it here is a better place than a number of others. Hopefully more writing and venting will make this hurt decline. You don’t always need to post what you write but getting it down sometimes works in getting it out.
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Hi John!
Thank you for the great comment!
I did think about not posting all my feelings but when I set out to write this blog my intent was to have an outlet for my pain and also to be completely honest about my feelings to myself and others.
Thank you so much for your comment as it forced me to look back at the reason I write in the first place.
This blog is about me and my feelings and not looking perfect. There is beauty in the flawed and that is my beauty.
It is my hope that perhaps at least one person may see themselves in my words and benefit from what I am going through and all the helpful comments and advice I receive!
Many blessings to you! 🙂
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🙂
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Recognising your anger is the first step and you have taken that. Channeling that energy into something positive is the next and you can do that, too!
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Thank you for the advice! A lot energy goes into getting angry, even though I hadn’t realized that I was doing that!
Many blessings! 🙂
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You have raised a few points that resonate with me.
Firstly, on the anger. I read in a book to pretend that you are the driver of a bus with these unruly badly behaved people on the bus that keep telling you to go a different way. You cannot actually kick them off the bus but, as the driver of the bus, you can ignore them as it is your responsibility to keep the bus heading in the right direction. So it is with our feelings. You cannot help the feelings that surface and it does not mean you are a bad person, only human. You have been through a tough time. It is far better to accept that the feelings do not disappear, accept that you will always get these feelings, and learn to ignore them. Still keep driving your bus in the right direction. In other words, learn to separate the angry FEELINGS from angry ACTIONS, and prevent the feelings translating into action. This is much easier said than done, by the way, and I am not saying that I achieve this. One can but try and work at it.
Secondly, the ‘friendship’ thing. “I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself”. I agree with you. I cannot do this either (be friends) when there has been so much pain inflicted upon me by him (with no apology). I have forgiven and I have let go of blame but that does not mean that I want to or have to be friends with him. This is my life, my choice.
Thirdly. “But what am I dealing with here?” Humility.
We are all human, and sometimes things happen and we break.
Thanks for the post
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Thank you for bringing great points to light!
I love the bus analogy and will try to use it often.
Accepting that certain of my feelings will never go away, and every now and then will rear its ugly head head is necessary for my sanity!
Dealing with those feelings is proving even harder! But as you have mentioned I should continue on the right direction and should not let myself be distracted or sidetracked by them. Or even worse let those feeling change me in a negative way!
Humility is another great reminder that I need!
Thank you for the supportive comment and a blessed week to you! 🙂
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I wish you luck, I hate it when the past rears it’s ugly head! I feel for you and when you figure out how to let go of the anger….please share the secret with me. Hang in there. 🙂
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ha! I will definitely share all my findings on this investigation called healing!
Thank you so much for you kindness and support!
A blessed week to you! 🙂
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perhaps your ex became an obsession, that is easier to cling to than to move on. I am glad you are blogging about it. it might be something to have a couple chats with someone about.
wishing you true love around the corner ( or it’s realistic companion “real love” ) 🙂 – bw
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argh, obsession is such a dirty word! but very possible! My sister mentioned it in the very beginning of the break up. I didn’t like that work then, I don’t like it now! 😦
As far as talking to someone you are also right on that one, but I am using the blog to talk to people like you, and find all the comments amazingly helpful. I fear going to a professional and be told I have more problems that what I think I have!
perhaps delusion is another good word for me! lol
thank you for the good wishes! perhaps I should scale down from looking for a soul mate and Prince Charming, to just a comfortable companion!
thank you for the supportive comments and a blessed week to you! 🙂
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I feel the exact same way as you. Yes, I am angry. But some of that anger is toward me. I go from periods of feeling sad, sick, sorry, understanding, taking accountability, angry…. It is non-stop. And I know it has to stop. I know I have to get over it. But I can’t.
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I guess the consolation is that we are not in that boat alone. I think that when we least expect we realize that we no longer think about and grieve about this lost love and the pain it caused. In the mean time we need to best navigate all those feelings and turn all that energy in positive things in our lives.
Stop being angry at the victim, it doesn’t do any good. Of course everything I am telling you is directed at myself.
The Universe is listening so we need to believe that we already prevailed.
Many blessings to you for a lovely week ahead! 🙂
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I am honoured that you chose to share this as you made me realize why I have become so much angrier at men too since my divorce. I thank you so very much for being so honest, and for your complete and total sharing of how you feel. It makes me realize how much better I am for knowing you. Thank youu…
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Hi Darling Pink, You always humble me with your words! I am happy that you see something beneficial in my posts. Recognizing our negative behavior is the first step. Thank you so much for kindness and support! A blessed week to you! 🙂
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A blessed week to you too! And thank you for making me more aware! 😀
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A painful breakup is just that – painful! Be kind to yourself, and let yourself have the feelings – I’m told grief ebbs and flows, there is no set time for it to be over. When we broke up, I vowed to stay friends because we have kids, but there was SO much anger! I wasn’t very successful at the ‘friendship’ part of things, unfortunately. It was really helpful for me to talk to someone, though…it was good to get a healthy perspective around it all..
Be kind to yourself, and hang in there!
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Hi Chere. I often think I am extremely kind to myself and then all of a sudden I catching myself in some behavior or action that is not kind. Thank you so much for the reminder and for sharing some of your history with me! Many blessings! 🙂
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Don’t be embarrassed… you have nothing to be embarrassed about. If anything, you should feel proud for having the strength to still stand tall, to recognise what you want and what you need and for having the courage to ask for it.
So I say “good for you” and I can sincerely say “I admire you” too – not just for the things I’ve mentioned above, but for your honesty and passion for life too 🙂
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Hello, I guess there is fine line between pride and embarrassment lol. I just feel I should be over this so long ago, after all I am strong, positive, love life, but I guess I haven’t learned all the lessons there was to learn, so I am bound to repeat some of the grieving steps until I do.
I love that you see my honesty and passion in my words! Thank you so much for your kind words!
A blessed week to you! 🙂
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I think we’ve all gone through much the same feelings, which you talk about very honestly and with a lot of self-awareness. You can’t be totally in love and then disassociate yourself from those feelings – it takes time and lots of soul searching. But you heal, eventually.
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eventually…not fast enough – lol
I guess that is another lesson about respecting the timing of things. Another lesson in patience and endurance!
Thank you and best of luck to both of us in this healing process!
A blessed week to you! 🙂
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While I cannot say I felt exactly what you felt.. well, the feeling is certainly familiar. I carry a similar scar, and I see it as life-changing.
The only thing that reduced the anger in me was falling in love – true love, deep love, and a very conscious love. But even so, I did not lose the anger completely. There is something about that relationship that will never die, but it’s up to us to use it in a constructive manner. Good luck!
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Hi Pixie. You are right, certain feelings never dye, they change probably and become easier to deal with – I hope, I am coming to realize that and will try my best to use it in a positive way. I am happy you have found true love, I am on my search and know it will happen!
Thank you and many blessings! 🙂
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Ana, I love the honesty of this post. It means you are making progress in growing through the hardest challenge of your life. I can entirely relate, since I face the very same challenge. We can be grateful that we can love so deeply. For me, again and again. I sense that working on being a better version of myself, instead of searching for someone to replace my lost love, is helping me grow and maybe preparing me for a healthy someone someday. It is at least making my life full and fun! God bless you and your loving heart! Frank
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Hi Frank. thank you so much! I do hope all this means growth in the right direction! Great for you for working on yourself and for having as much fun as you can – I can tell by your blog that you are being successful on both counts!
I agree with you that self growth is one of the keys to a happy future, but still I believe I can do both work on myself and work on finding someone. For someone pro-active like me the idea of waiting for love to find me is not appealing to me. Still I know things cannot be forced but I believe in using all the tools at my disposal and give the Universe a helping hand.
I do want someone in my life not as a replacement for Ex but as an addition to my amazing life. Nothing wrong with wanting companionship and going after it.
With all that being said, I alternate actively looking for someone with having such a busy single life with no time for that!
Many blessings to you! 🙂
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I totally understand how you feel here. I am an Aries myself and the man I love so much recently left me as well. It was around 3 yrs of relationship and he treated me just like princess and i have asked the same Qs that you have asked God. Why take something so beautiful away? To be honest I have no idea. But I see it as life is ever lasting learning journey. We all need to learn something about ourself. I see this as an opportunity to learn about yourself. To really look at yourself and see how you can improve youself. Afterall, you are single now and you can WATEVER you want. 🙂
I feel angry too. More impatient as well. I think it’s completely normal you are feeling this way. It will go away. But, make sure you give deep thought to your mistakes with your ex. So when the next guy comes, you know how to treat someone with respect and love fairly.
Best of luck to us. Finding ourselves through pain.
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Hi My fellow Aries! That relationship was definitely a learning experience. There are things that have no answers so I just need to accept certain situations and move on.
I am definitely not perfect, but in the relationship with Ex, and in all my relationships, love and otherwise for that matter, everyone is treated with Respect and Honesty. That is why his lack of respect and dishonesty hurts so much!
Indeed best of luck to us both and a blessed week to you! 🙂
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Hey there; I nominated you for two blogger awards. 🙂
http://robssurfreport.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/the-best-awards-come-from-within-the-community/
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Wow, 2 awards at once! I feel special! Thank you so much and a blessed week to you! 🙂
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You are so welcome, I enjoy your posts!
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Thank you,first of all, for sharing these thoughts with me. Reading this reminded me so much about my life and how the initial sledgehammer into the glass of my love fairytale made me die, be shocked back to life and continue desperate and angry. I too have changed, my love for anyone was no longer innocent and free as it was before. This dragged for 4 long, terribly long years. I was having the same questions as you did. I came to a point where I realised that I am putting all the blame on me and letting it eat away my life: my imperfections, my bad looking body,the way I spoke out sentences, everything; while the other person was living like nothing even happened (the casual texts just as I thought I managed to get back on my feet and push for better were I think the worst in all of this!).I have grown to accept that I will always Love: what was, what is and what may come, but that it is a Love I must send out like a dove from my clusped hands to fly free, it is not for consumation. My life did not magicaly change after this realisation, even now when my lfie is blessed and happy there will be times where I will remember the hurtfull feeling and be angry again, but I will chew throught it and refuse to give attention to its bad vibes (this is you, and me, when we must wrestle our own Aries!). I believe this happened to you, strongly I might add, because this was only a prelude to the real fairytale,perhaps sent your way by some celestial hand to teach you and help you grow,so you could tomorrow recognise the true fairytale that awaits to embrace you and so you would, as strong and devoted as you are, protect it from everything and all.
I do wish you give yourself time and that you will find the strenght soon to put out the raging flames of your changes(in fact, I know you will! 🙂 ) Sorry for the long comment, I hope you don’t mind.
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Thank you so much for your awesome comment!
Of course I don’t mind as everything you said was right on the spot.
You make me feel even more hopeful for the amazing future that awaits me.
It indeed hurts a lot to think that his life goes on without even a second of hesitation and hurt. I need to let go of that idea that if at least he was missing me and hurting for me would make things easier.
Accepting that the love will always be there and not magically disappear is another must.
But the best part of your comment to me was the believe that this has happened to prepare me for a better love in the future. I wholeheartedly believe that and I am happy to be reminded of it as sometimes the pain threatens to hide all the truths.
Thank you so much for taking time to write these kind helpful words!
Many blessings to you! 🙂
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Gosh alot of this resonated with me but it’s been 2 years now since my last break up..But it was THE break up. The only long term relationship I had been in and I must say for the first 6 months afterwards I was angry as well. Angry for letting myself fall for someone; angry for thinking that this was THE one, but also more than anger I felt like I was duped. The situation for me was different as this guy went and got another woman pregnant just weeks after we broke up. So instead of this person being single and someone I could be friends with, he was attached and expecting a baby – a major life event!!
I will say that time passed and I have definitely healed. I have seen him recently and seeing him on a completely different path than me does not hurt me or make me angry – it makes me relieved that I am not in that situation but also it makes me happy to see him with someone else who was the better fit for him.
But my sister also gives me advice on things like this and will tell it to me straight if I had asked “How do I seem now?” Actually, she won’t wait for me to ask she’ll just tell it to my face ha! 🙂
And she did say to me a few months ago that since I’m still single, that I seem like I’ve been too cautious to give my heart to someone else. That this last relationship scarred me into thinking I can’t trust anyone anymore.
But…while I see her point, I don’t think that’s the case. I think it’s just not the right time for ME to be in a relationship.
Relationships shouldn’t be forced. You should WANT to start dating someone again, not because society tells us to get together and pair up.
But you ended this post with the best words – love often! I think I needed to see this too… 🙂
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Hi Michelle
You have been through a lot. I am so glad that you are healed and whole again. Not only that but it seems that you are at a great point in your life.
Caution is a good thing, but fear is not, so I struggle with being cautious but making sure that I am afraid to live and love again. First I went though fear of jumping in a relationship just to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I thank you for sharing your story with me. And definitely my advice to you, if I can be so bold to offer advice, would be to give love a chance.
Also, I applaud your determination of getting better and better physically and must confess cake is my life! 🙂 Many blessings and good luck with your training!
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Perhaps this has been shared by others; I haven’t read all of the comments.
One (another) technique that you could consider is that of acknowledging the anger, realizing that you are co-existing with it, and then shifting your focus and emotions onward. I’ve learned to do this with ego when it presents. I know it (ego) serves little constructive purpose so I merely say hello to it (this takes awareness, knowing what triggers ego), thank it for interjecting itself into the emotion or situation, and then, confidently, move on.
Our inner guidance system is a wonderful tool. Our emotions, present for a reason. For your consideration: Rather than “…telling your heart to love above all things…,” invite and allow it to. This is what our hearts do naturally and abundantly, when we give them permission to serve their infinite, beautiful purpose.
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Hi Eric
Thank you so much for your insightful words.
Now that I have been told I am angrier I have decided to pay more attention to my feelings and how I act on them.
I hope that I will recognize the anger and deal with it and move on.
And I thanks to you I do realize that just telling my heart to love may not be enough!
Many blessings to you! 🙂
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‘They say time heals …..’ – great quote, not sure it is true but very thought provoking.
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I believe that time helps, but perhaps doesn’t heal the wounds completely. Sometimes just believing something is true is enough to start the healing process. Blessings! 🙂
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But it is good to learn to deal with the wounds rather than reject it 🙂
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Hi Tienny. You are right! Accepting and dealing with it and then moving on seems to be key for growth. Ignoring it and hoping ti will go away is not a good plan 🙂
Thank you and many blessings! 🙂
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🙂 Welcome and many blessings to you too 🙂
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I understand. I went through (am going through?) a very similar process. A scar is an indication of growth – hard growth. Scars don’t normally leave completely. They serve to strengthen the tissue so that a new tear won’t occur there. They are a part of the healing process. If someone says they are completely over someone they truly loved and who loved them and then it went bad, I know they are lying to themselves.
I will say a prayer for you. It’s not easy; no one said it would be; however, it was and it necessary – you are strong; you will make it.
Scott
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Hi Scott.
Thank you for the prayers, they are always welcomed!
There is a certain beauty and pride in this pain. I really loved someone and just have to learn that it is ok to continue to love them from afar.
I am getting stronger and stronger, like you!
A blessed week to you! 🙂
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I am so glad to hear that.
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🙂
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