Tags
ex, friendship, growing, heartache, Life, love, rebuild, recovery, relationships, zumba
Yesterday was a days of ups and downs. One minute laughing, the next crying.
UP. I woke up happier than usual, for the first time in several months I have slept 6 hours straight!
DOWN. I was walking to the station and all of a sudden next to me there is this man with a huge snake around his neck. All snake lovers out there please forgive me but I am terrified of snakes. It is more than that, to me they are always an omen of an impeding catastrophe.
UP. When returning the rental car the bill was $100 less than it was quoted. (by the way I rented a car to drive to Atlantic City to see Kanye West, I will write a post about at some point)
DOWN. We fired an employee. I am sad and scared for him. His life was already a mess, I am afraid that he may spiral out of control. On the other hand this could be the best thing that ever happened to him. Sometimes a person doesnt see a way out until they hit rock bottom.
UP. The books I ordered for a friend arrived and I was so excited to mail it to them. I truly enjoy giving gifts better than receiving. I can’t wait for him to get them!
MAJOR DOWN. Ex e-mails me to confirm that I am not going away with him to an event this weekend and letting me know there are still tickets left. He also added that he hoped we could remain in touch.
It brought back a whole host of happy memories of the same event last year. Was it all lies? Was I alone in my happiness and didn’t know it?
I replied thank you for the information and all the best, that is all I said. Of course that was a green light for him to e-mail again. I ignored the following e-mail. But the damage was already done I was already a pile of tears.
I e-mailed my friend, or perhaps I should call him “my rock”. He pointed out some things to me:
1) I am not really completely over Ex, and perhaps there will always be something there.
2) If I really want to get over him I need to be tough and take a stand on any contact.
3) He is really not respecting my wishes about invitations.
4) He thinks that I will give in and have a relationship on his terms (booty call, vacation buddy)
5) I have to give up the idea of being friends with him. If he was at least honest about his wrongdoing but he refuses to acknowledge and talk about it. I cannot be friends with somebody I don’t respect.
5) I was being a bit of a masochist in trying to continue a relationship with him.
And he is right on all counts! So I once again resolve not to ever reply to any contact again.
Thank God the work day is coming to an end.
UP. I got to the lobby of my building and one of the doormen calls me aside and says that it is his last day working here, and I am one person that he wanted to make sure to say good bye because as he puts it: “you are always smiling and so happy, so pleasant, a joy to be around”. It is rewarding to hear that. No matter what is going on inside I try to always have a smile on my face and spread joy to those around me.
UP. I went to my Zumba class, actually the instructor corrected me, her class is not Zumba, it is Cuban Fusion – same difference if you ask me, fun all the same. It was amazing. I love to dance. I felt so happy and high as a kite after the class.
MAJOR DOWN. Another email from Ex waiting for me at home. Once again he is talking about the event. I realized that by replying some times and silence others I was sending him mixed signals and still leaving the door open. So I wrote him a final e-mail. This e-mail came straight from the pain in my heart. I said it all over again, but this time I asked him not to contact me in any way, shape or form. Up to now I had asked him not to invite me to trips and dinners, but I dont think I ever said do not contact me at all.
It is hard to explain, but how can I close the door on a part of me? He, I realize, still has my heart in his hands.
***
How do I feel now? I am not sure. It feels over. It feels I am missing part of my body and I will never get it back. While I absolutely don’t want him back, I guess I still liked the idea of having him in my life. I still liked to hear from him. It is hard to imagine that I will have no contact with someone that I shared everything for 3 years, someone that I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. It is hard to write this, to face this.
Now it is in writing, it is in black and white. And I am making myself a promise not to reply to any contact, if ever he tries again.
it feels final! and sad, and painful all over again!
****
I just received an e-mail from him saying that he is not happy but he will comply with my wishes. He also added all the same bs, that he loves me, that he misses me and cries about me, but we can’t be together now, he is just too busy with business, etc. That he hopes that if I cannot be his lover, that I choose to be his friend and keep in touch.
cry me a river!
***
I am fine, some would say I am thriving. My life hasn’t stopped because my heart is in pieces and my insides in shambles.
Lately the good days have been outnumbering the bad days.
Moments of never wanting to fall in love again are rare. Moments of excitement of a new somebody are constant.
I am enjoying discovering feelings for somebody new. Somebody, who is just a friend now. Actually he is not “just” a friend. He is a FRIEND! Having feelings for somebody else makes me feel that life is not over. Still, days such as yesterday makes me aware that the pain is still fresh, that Ex still means something, that I should go slow and not use one person to try to forget another.
So, I fall, I get up, I fall again and I get up again! I know I will always get up, thanks to God and all the angels he puts in my path!
(all images from google images)
bigsmileu1 said:
Keep walking forward and eventually you will be far away from all the snakes in your life. Enjoy the day! 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I love your comment! I love your choice of words! You too have a joyful and blessed day! 🙂
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bigsmileu1 said:
🙂
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Dani said:
I couldn’t say anything better than that! Time heals all wounds. The pain and sadness will go away. We have all been there. You are not alone 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for the supporting and kind words! I know it will get better, but patience is not one of my virtues – lol. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Many blessings! 🙂
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Susannah Bianchi said:
I can say all kinds of things in regards to this essay but what stands out for me is that little litany about getting up. Rising off the mat time and time again is not an easy feat. Caring for someone who is not exactly on the same page as you is so hurtful but you know what’s great? Your obvious capacity to love – when you said you’d rather give than receive? The Prayer for Peace came to mind. How you’re worried over the fellow at work who got let go. You have such loving, noble traits and if someone like your ex doesn’t appreciate them well it’s his mammoth loss.
Keep writing about everything. Get it on the page where you and those who learn from you can take some of that weight and carry it on your behalf.
Then put on your favorite jeans and go out for a long walk. Move a muscle, change a thought.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! Thank you! I thought I was going to start losing readers with my never ending crying, but then I figured that I have to be true to myself and to the reason I started to blog in the first place. Comments such as yours makes me feel validated and happy to continue to present myself as I am, tears and all! Thank you for the kind words you used to described me and for the motivation to continue to share my thoughts!
… and moving all kinds of muscles is my plan! 🙂
Many blessings to you! 🙂
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Susannah Bianchi said:
You’re so welcome.
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mimijk said:
You will never lose readers – or their support – because you are honest, and pain is real, tears are necessary and joy is what happens in the moments in between. You are on your way – and though none of us gets a road map, I am sure your direction is going to be paved with love.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much for the kind and supportive words! The fact that you read, see the real me and comment means more than words can explain! I feel indeed blessed! 🙂
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mimijk said:
Please don’t thank me – it is my pleasure to ‘get to know you’, your specialness, and honesty and warmth just spring from the page…um, screen…:-)
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A Star on the Forehead said:
oh, now that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and it made me smile on another day full of tears! I am blessed for people like you! 🙂
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mimijk said:
Your tears will abate my dear friend – in that regard you just have to trust and let go. They need to flow right now, and that’s ok. They are cleansing your eyes for the joy that’s ahead..I know it.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You are right, of course!, but sometimes there is so much tears it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, specially since I didn’t expect to still be crying after 8 months, but I am an eternal optimist so I know it is all for the best.
Leaving work now , then Pilates session where I normally cry in pain – lol
I always enjoy seeing your happy face in my comments and that is always a good reminder that I should stop by your blog more often as it always inspires me.
Have a blessed rest of day! 🙂
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mimijk said:
You too – and good luck with the Pilates!! 🙂
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Thomas Ross said:
Here’s what I think. Up, down? So long as you can write about these swings with such honesty, so long as you possess the gift of being a great writer, as you are, so long as you know that you are helping all of us navigate our ups and downs- all is well.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much for your thoughts! Thank you for calling me a great writer. It means a lot coming from you. I have not spent a lot time on your blog, but love what I have seen so far and look forward to the book! I agree with you, as long as my words are honest I am honoring and respecting myself, and at this moment that is what is important to me. Helping others is the icing on the cake! Blessings! 🙂
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Shuniegirl said:
days seemed so hard when you are trying to move on from someone whom you cannot let go out of your mind. i can relate with this post 😦
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A Star on the Forehead said:
just taking one day at a time and keeping as busy and active as possible. Time heals, so we will eventually be laughing at all this. Thank you for your comment. Blessings! 🙂
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Sally at Shine said:
I love that you write so honestly about your emotional experience. Here’s my two cents worth on cutting off contact from your ex (and this comes from someone who has recently gone through exactly the same experience): you are now in control. Up to this point your ex has held the power, but by saying “Don’t call me,” you have taken the power back. It’s a hard thing to do, but it will start to feel better and better. (And, if your ex is anything like mine, he’ll probably try to make contact at least a few more times, so stay strong, sister!) Step by step, my friend…
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Hi Sally. Thank you for your words. You make a very good point regarding power and control. I do feel that the ball is now on my court and is up to me to respect myself and make sure I remain strong. I am sure he will find an excuse to reach out again, but I hope and pray I will not waver.
Thank you for the kind words and support.
I enjoy reading about your dates, I have to go back to see what you have been up to lately. Blessings!! 🙂
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frankoshanko said:
Nice post Blessed! With a name like Blessed, your destiny is joy! ( :
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I hope! Thank you! 🙂
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Aziz Ampanwala said:
Ahh, You know something, you are a warm soul and all your post has this warmth and a togetherness feeling … i like the way you connect with your readers and so to with the passion you have for writing …..
PS: Everything happens for a reason … sometimes to make us aware and sometimes to reassure us that we have something better in store !!!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much for seeing the passion in my writing and for your kind words!!
I like the idea of thinking that bigger and better things are in store for me!
Have a day full of blessings! 🙂
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singlewhitefemaledating said:
You are obviously a caring person…. and life has a way of showing us how to discriminate with this gift (don’t care too much about things/people who abuse or sap your energy). Unfortunately you have to let these things go and try not to want to fix or mend them. In some way you will have left your mark and helped them in their journey. YOU just don’t see it (yet). NO CONTACT and move FORWARD is what is BEST for YOU. (we have all been there) 😀
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I really like what you wrote. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned “try not to want to fix or mend them:. And I do like to believe that I left people and place’s better than I found them!
Thank you for the kind words and support!
May today be full of blessings! 🙂
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silentlyheardonce said:
Wow! You have a real roller-coaster ride going on. I feel the same way about snakes, yuck!! Your compliment from the doorman and your feelings about the co-worker fired displays a real caring person.
I was in a relationship for 23 years, raised children with this man. We went through ups and downs. I tried to remain friends for a while, even though he married another woman. That really broke my heart. He would call, birthday’s, New Years day, valentines day and so on. He would call to talk pop up at my daughter’s house when he knew I would be there. I stopped talking to him and finally I’m getting him out of my system. 23 years worth of emotions are fading away. To say all this you will be fine and get over the pain and sadness. There is someone much better out there who will appreciate your loving demeanor. 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for the kind words! I cannot even imagine how I would feel if I had children with this man. I did have a 20 yr relationship before but the break up was mutual and respectful so we have been able to remain great friends. In this case I thought I could do the same, but I realize that there is still too much pain to be able to do that.
I have to believe he has done me a favor and I am on to bigger and better things!
I am glad that you are finally getting free from the past, I guess time helps in healing wounds.
Thank you for the support and I wish you a day full of blessings! 🙂
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petpisces said:
This was so sad to read as I experience the same rollercoaster. As an analyzer, I would typically comment with motivational ideas but I cannot as it stuck me in the gut and just can only say I feel your pain. The only words to be said are, like all pains, this to shall heal. That’s what I tell myself. <>
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for sharing my pain. It will pass and makes us stronger. I try to find the lesson it each experience so that I don’t have to repeat it! Today I go from crying at memories to smiling at the beautiful and supportive comments I have been receiving. So there is always a reason to smile! blessings 🙂
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P. C. Zick said:
When I was attempting to get over a broken heart and a myriad of other unfortunate events in my life several years ago, I likened it to flailing around in the mud. Sometimes I’d stand but then I’d slip and fall back down. On the worst days, it turned into quick sand. But I always stood. And then the mud dried up and solid ground met me. One of the things that helped me stand up without falling was zumba! I love zumba and my instructor calls it “Latin Rhythms.” It has something to do with the copyright on the zumba name. I dance two times a week and I’m sure I look like a crazy person because I’m smiling the whole time. Women come up to me at class and say they love to watch me dance because they can see how happy it makes me (they don’t mention anything about my moves, but I don’t care). Sometimes all we have are the little things so embrace them and day by day, you’ll be standing up, out of the mud, and with all the snakes slithering back to the woods and lakes and rivers where they belong.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
If I were in your class I would rob some of your attention, I would be the other crazy lady smiling all the time! I love it, it makes me feel alive, and it makes me so happy with my body and all its goodness and imperfections. Keep on dancing! And snakes will happen I realize. Perhaps we can scare them away with our dancing and happiness! Wishing you a day full of blessings! 🙂
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thelastsongiheard said:
Ah star… I’m so proud of you… not just for your emotional stand, but for being true to yourself… you know there’s only one song to play, right??? 😛
Go on… hit that Play button… you know you want to 😀
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A Star on the Forehead said:
oh, I love it! How could I have forgotten about that song? It is only the anthem of the brokenhearted woman!
But again God sent me the angel of music – you! to remind me!
Thank you! Thank you! 🙂
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thelastsongiheard said:
LOL You’re welcome. It had to be done 😀
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Jnana Hodson said:
Sooooh — Which would you prefer, the roller coaster with the wild swings like the ups and downs of the day you describe, or a tranquil plateau? Not that we really get a choice, of course. But I hate riding a coaster solo.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
What a great question! I think that a tranquil plateau would bore me to tears, so I welcome the roller coaster ! You don’t have to ride it alone! Blessings! 🙂
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luvnorcal said:
Hi, thanks for the follow! You are a very thoughtful person, I enjoyed reading this post.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
You are welcome! I am glad you enjoyed! 🙂
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forgivingforme said:
Well done for putting your foot and saying “no contact”. It’s the ONLY way. This spring, I was very close to leaving my boyfriend, however, realizing I was not fully ready to take that step without any regrets, I chose to give our relationship more time to figure things out. I did, however, pick up an interesting book that is called “Getting past your break-up” by Susan J. Elliott. I would recommend that you read it. I started it, and it was a lifeline when I was at a very dark point. It talks specifically about what is essential after a break-up, the “no contact” rule, which of course is so hard to live by!!
Anyway, you are an inspiration. Stay strong and authentic. There are great things in store for people like you.
x x
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you so much for your kind words and for the book tip. I will most certainly get that book! I have been reading a lot – knowledge is power!
I am glad that you were able to make things work in your relationship! Best of luck and blessings on that!
I agree I think there are great things in store for me! All I have to do is keep working hard and have an open mind! 🙂
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unintended27 said:
This post is wonderful even though it was sad. It shed light on something I was ignorant about – even the ones who make the decision to leave suffer with such pain. Recently, I have only ever been on the receiving end so this was a reminder that not all “do-ers” feel no pain and move on in a heartbeat. Thank you.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I like to believe that there was something worthwhile in that relationship and that I am not such an easy person to let go. He did me a favor, and to this day he is still trying to be my friend. But who needs friends that will stab you in the back?
I am on to bigger and better things, and to new mistakes! 🙂
Blessings! 🙂
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The V Pub said:
A man with a snaked around his neck?
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Yes, but I am sure there is a double meaning there, It just went over my head.
I went back to that post and I need to stop writing in code and give all the characters their real names.
Who was it that I called “my rock” back then? I think it was a person that turned out to be mud later on.
You are making me travel down memory lane.
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The V Pub said:
I thought that I invented a new word!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
oh, at first I thought I had a typo on my original post and went to check lol
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The V Pub said:
Lol! No typo, just a new word. I have to figure out how best to present it in a sentence.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Check Urban Dictionary they stole your word.
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The V Pub said:
I knew it was too good to be true.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
It is always is, well unless we are talking about me…
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The V Pub said:
Of course, that goes without saying.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
🙂 ♥♥
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The V Pub said:
❤ ❤
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