A baby made me cry

Tags

, , , , , ,

*“Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.” 

There is this one guy, I will call him J., I wrote about him before. We met in the train while commuting to work several years ago.  There was an immediate attraction, so we enjoyed many flirtatious train trips.  I didn’t have a boyfriend but he was married.  We didn’t want drama, so it ended before it began.  It became a friendship.  (yeah, yeah, I shouldn’t have been flirting with a married man to begin with, I am a shameless flirt, but I am older and wiser now) We kept in touch on and off. Years later when he got divorced he called me and asked me out for a drink to catch up, but at the time I was living with EX and I didn’t think it was a good idea so I declined. He understood.

After EX and I broke up J. and I met up again but by this time he was seeing someone else. Soon after that he got married.  I was a tad surprised by the marriage as I didn’t expect someone to get married so soon after a crazy divorce.  Not everyone feels they have to spend time mourning the demise of a relationship like I do.

*Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

Fast forward to today.  I saw he had a new picture on LinkedIn and sent a quick note saying I like the picture and saying I hoped he was well.  After a couple of replies he tells me that there has been some personal changes, and I guessed, correctly, that he had become a father again, after all, as they say, after marriage comes baby and carriage.

I am very happy for him.  A new baby is always a good thing.  Immediately I realized that tears were welling up in my eyes.   Why am I getting emotional?  Having a baby was never a dream of mine.  I didn’t grow up dreaming of marriage and kids.  But still, somehow, there is this poetic sadness in my heart.  That could have been my life; that could have been my baby.  I think of the irony of timing and space.   Perhaps if we both had managed to meet up when we didn’t have other people in our lives, perhaps, perhaps…

At times I like the idea of a baby, I even long for one, but having a baby is no longer an option, it is not longer up to me…that ship has sailed.  It would be awesome to have that choice forever.  There are always options, I affirm to myself.

*“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 

Reality is that J. and I would never be a great long lasting match.  There was chemistry and mutual admiration but that wouldn’t be enough to sustain it.  We would be great partners in some project but not in love.  My sadness over “what if” is unwarranted.  If we were meant to be and if I really liked him and he liked me we would have made it happen.

Stubbornly tears fall, and yet through tears I realize how awesome my life is and how I would not have it any other way.  God has a plan and I trust in that!  I am where I should be, baby-less, husband-less, but content, blessed and grateful!

I am blaming a poor baby for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart, but he is not the whole reason behind the tears.  It has been an emotional day.  As soon as I got to work I got a call that my mother was in the emergency room with chest pains.  She is fine now; it was just a false alarm.  But that was enough of a reminder of how far, geographically, I am from my family.  I am reminded that one day I will get a phone call that will cut me like a knife, what will I do then?  A feeling of powerlessness invades me and tears threaten to fall.  I let them.  There is nothing I can do but pray for a peaceful heart and mind.

*“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” 

*All quotes by  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A little about me, but it is not all about me!

Tags

, , , , , , ,

DATING

I am happy to report that I haven’t heard from any of those 2 crazy dates I had.  I have exchanged texts with that doctor I had 3 greats dates with, but it went nowhere.  I really don’t understand what happened as everything was always great and, even in text, we always have so much to talk about.  I thought the worst that could happen was that we could have been amazing friends.  Oh well, I am not going to lose any sleep over that and I will trust the Universe’s decision.

I have had dates with 2 seemingly normal guys.   One was with an IT guy that travels a lot for business.  He texts me every now and then.  It seems he is waiting for me to ask him out (he will have to wait a real long time).  The other was with this guy that has a Heating/Cooling business.  He talked about hanging out on Sunday (tomorrow).  I said I would call him about it, but since there is no real chemistry I don’t feel like wasting his or my time on a second date. I will leave space for him and I to find the right people.

“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ― Steve Maraboli

***

WORK

Right now I am going a bit nuts with setting up offices in TX, IL and FL.  We hired 3 employees that don’t want to move to NY, so even if it is just for one or 20 employees I still have to go through the trouble with filling paperwork for a myriad of things, such a new leases and new unemployment accounts.  Hopefully these new hiring will be successful.  Our tries at expanding before weren’t successful, we are still trying to recover from those losses. My boss is an Aries like me, so he is a go-getter, adventurous and not afraid of taking a chance.  We shall see what will happen.  For now I am being positive and doing my part to help it be successful.

“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

DOCTORS

I decided to pay a little more attention to my health as I have been lax on that.  I haven’t gotten a physical in 2 years, but I am faithful to my OBGYB.  This year I got a bit scared as she detected a little cyst.  For a second I saw my life flashing before my eyes.   For now we decided not to do anything about it, just take a wait and see approach.  It was a good wake up call to think about health instead of vanity.

The eye doctor graduated my prescription (as I knew he would).  I scheduled a physical with a new doctor. She is a geriatric doctor and has great reviews so I am excited.  Next I am thinking of going to an Allergist to check on my shellfish allergy, do I really have it?  I hope to get that question answered.  I also want to get to a dermatologist, and I am also thinking about seeing a hypnotist.  Can he/she help me with my sugar/bread addiction?  I am saving my recurring hip issues for last as I know that I will have to dedicate a lot to that.

And as I am thinking more about getting healthier I am getting even crazier about sugar and carbs.  That is all I want to eat. :-(

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ― Hippocrates

***

THE WORLD AROUND

I just watched a documentary called “On The Way to School”.  While I believe that the filmmakers could have done so much more with the topic, I am in love with the message. It reminds me so much of my childhood, not that we were that poor or that far from schools. But of how hungry my sister and I were for knowledge and of how my parents (that have only gone to third grade) always believed that education was key. We didn’t have access to books but we would read anything we got our hands on, from the writing on food can labels to Walt Disney’s comics that we were lucky enough to borrow from a vendor in a flea market.

I think every school child, well actually everyone, should be required to watch it.  It would perhaps instill in them the appreciation and gratitude for the opportunity to attend school, among other opportunities.  Everyone can benefit from seeing how some people in other parts of the world live (I am aware that there are people living in poverty in the US also).  I feel kids (and adults too) nowadays take everything for granted. There is so much available, that things lose their value.  Even though there are many problems with education in the US, what I see is that the opportunity is there for those that are willing to put in the work.

“We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing, we must follow that logic”  this line is said by one of the children featured in the documentary.  How incredibly wise! It is an amazing powerful phrase that makes me think about our purpose here; and how much material stuff we really need to live on.  Are we focusing on the right things?  Or along the way we got lost and all of a sudden to have the latest fashion is the most important thing in the world?

There are many messages in this film but to me they are:

  • Stop craving more and learn to live with less (material stuff)
  • Be grateful for everything and act as such
  • Don’t take things for granted, pay attention to what you have
  • It is not always about me, there is more to live than me and my apartment
  • It is about “we” as a world that needs to take care of each other and specially our children
  • Be respectful of people’s culture, and see beauty in the differences
  • Happiness is a choice, is a smile.  Happiness is hope!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” Epicurus

Fast car, Slow speech, Cheap date: No Future!

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

C360_2015-07-12-17-16-29-494

 

“By seeking and blundering we learn.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This is how I ended my last post (when mentioning a date for that night):

“He is a well respected children’s librarian.  How bad can he be?  Don’t answer that! Lol”

Well, the answer is:  It was really good and then really bad!

It is amazing how it can go from great to insane in one day.

At his insistence we went to a very expensive restaurant in New York City.  I mentioned it was not necessary and that he should choose a less expensive place, but he insisted and said that I could pay for the drinks if it would make me feel better about it.  I agreed.

We spent over 2 hours at the restaurant.  Conversation flowed.  He seemed honest and caring.  At the end of the evening I felt so comfortable with him that I accepted his offer to drive me home.  It was out of his way but he said it would give us a chance to talk more.  I think he wanted to show off his car, a brand new Porsche Macan.  While I don’t care about material things, especially cars, I couldn’t help but love the red leather interior.  I love red leather anything!

The drive home was fast and fun.  He held my hand and it felt natural and comfortable. It all seemed just perfect. When we got to my building he walked me to the entrance and kissed me on the cheek. Ten minutes later he called me from the car to say that he would like to see me again.  He also asked me to give him one month to get to know him; he asked that I did not date other people during that one month so that he would have my undivided attention.  I said I would think about it, but, really, I was okay with that.

I was very excited about this date.  He seemed very smart, with good job that he loved, a respected professional, handsome (which is surprising because I normally don’t go for handsome).  I saw and felt potential.

The next day (Friday) he texted me to say he really enjoyed meeting me the night before and to invite me to go hiking on Sunday.  I loved the idea! I said I would call him after work to discuss the details.

I called him around 7pm.  What happened next is very hard to find the words to describe:  The phone rang, he picked up but there was no Hello, there was what it seemed like a conversation in a very slurred voice going on in the background.  At first I thought that perhaps he didn’t realize he answered the phone and the TV was on.  I kept listening and trying to make sense of whatever I was hearing, which seemed to be a far away mumbling voice.  After awhile I said hello again, a bit louder and firmer this time.  Then I heard something like:  I am fine but just feeling a bit discombobulated.  I said: excuse?  At this point I told him that I thought something was wrong with my phone and asked him to speak louder.  He did speak louder and now there was a bit less slurring, but instead of having a conversation he immediately launched into a monologue about Winston Churchill and the war.  He kept talking and talking, and I was thinking to myself, is this guy drunk or on drugs, and how I can get out of this.

At this point I knew in my gut that there was no future in this relationship. Well I actually knew it when he first picked up the phone.

Finally I was able to get a break in the monologue and I asked: Is this a book you are reading?  He said it was a documentary.  After he talked about Churchill some more, I asked another question and we actually started having a conversation.

As time went on, his speech seemed to get better. After telling me how he enjoyed meeting me, he started talking about this one month of dating that he had in mind.  He said: “We need to talk about the dates.  If we are seeing each other for one month, about 2 dates a week that will be at least 8 dates, how do you want to do it?”

Even though I had already decided not to see him again, I asked:  Do what?  He then says:  “Who pays for what?  I pay for one date, you pay for the next?”

I was floored!  I don’t mind paying for things, but for a man to ask something like that after one date it seems in very poor taste.  If he cannot afford a second date, then he shouldn’t be dating.  I said I had never been asked that before so I didn’t know what to say.   He went on and on how that was the fair thing to do and it is best to get money issues out of the way.  He said I am his first date in over 2 ½ years and that the previous girlfriend spent over 10K of his money.

There was a lot conversation about money and dating, with him trying to make me understand where he was coming from and with me telling him that I was not his ex-girlfriend.  At one point I offered to write him a check for my part of the dinner the night before.  I also reminded him that I didn’t want to go to an expensive place in the first place (to which he said he wanted it to be memorable and wanted it to become “our” place).  I also reminded him that I had gladly paid for the drinks.

At some point he started backpedaling and telling me to forget about this issue of paying for dates.  He said that we should just meet and see where it goes. I told him I was going to think about it all and call him in the morning.  I already knew where I stood but I knew that he would continue to try to convince me otherwise.  We said good bye and hung up, but 10 minutes later he started texting me.  One of the many things that he mentioned in the texts was that he would pack sandwiches of peanut butter and jelly for Sunday so that we wouldn’t have to worry about paying for lunch.  I told him that he was missing the point.  To get him to stop with the texting I again said he needed to give me time to think about it.

Finally when he continues with the texting I just tell him the answer is no.  No to the hiking and no to seeing him again. Then he starts calling me.  I didn’t answer.   On the 4th call he left me a voice mail breaking up with me.   Yes, he broke up with me! :-)

I have never been so relieved about being broken up with! He said I have issues with money, and that even though I was a great person and he would love to see me again, the money issues were too much. He went on and on about both, how great I am and how I have issues with money.

I don’t want to go in detail to protect his privacy but he had mentioned needing to go to therapy and taking antidepressants at some point in the past.  I was a bit alarmed by that but I appreciated his honesty and openness.  I also liked that he gotten help when he needed.  I am now assuming he is still taking antidepressants and perhaps on Friday, his day off from work, he took one too many.   Whatever the issue maybe I feel sorry for him because it seems he definitely has an issue that needs to be addressed.   I also feel that even though he seems like he is taking steps to protect himself, he seems primed to be taken advantage of again.

After being spoiled with mostly normal to great online dates I now have had 2 doozies.  They both had issues that I am not willing to handle.  I am feeling so blessed that I got to discover those issues right away, before I started trusting and liking them and let my guard down.

Perhaps I am the one with issues as I am still not giving up online dating.  More mistakes made.  More lessons learned.  More stories to tell and write about.

“Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.” Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

***

On a good note, I am right now waiting for delivery of my new mattress. Yippie!!!  All I need now is the boyfriend! :-)

Date or Nightmare?

Tags

, , , , , ,

Do you know what happened when I let down my guard for one second?  I had the date from hell!

I normally don’t take long to decide to go on a date with someone, but by the time I set a date I already know a lot about him, as I am the queen of Googling and finding information about people.  This time I didn’t bother doing any research.  We spoke on the phone and he seemed okay.  I figured there would be no harm in meeting him for lunch on a Sunday a couple of blocks from my home.

He seemed very secure and very accomplished so I was curious about him.  The date started okay.  Before I got to the restaurant he spoke to the chef and pre-ordered a few small plates.  He said he didn’t want to waste our time together reading the menu.  The problem with that is that he continued to remind me throughout the date how nice and considerate he was by doing that.  Right away upon meeting him I asked to see a picture of his daughters.  He showed me pictures and a video of the youngest, a 4 year old.  He found at least 2 women to have kids with – That is a crazy thought after what I have seen!

He kept listing his accomplishments and knowledge.  He was indeed knowledgeable, but really accomplished people don’t have the need to flaunt it.  I also had to hear countless times about his antique yacht, antique Ferrari, and all other antiques he owned.  He said no women (or man for that matter) could ever intrigue him or teach him anything because he knows everything – yes, he did say that more than once.  Still I continued to sit there and listen with an open mind.  I kept hoping that eventually we would start talking about something more interesting than himself (perhaps me –  Lol) .

I kept thinking that perhaps he was just a tad eccentric and not a total jerk.  Some people are so intelligent that they are a little lost in social situations and seem a little disconnected with reality.  I was willing to give him that.  I knew we had no future but still I was still trying to keep an open mind and was looking for the lesson.  I am all about learning.  Can he teach me something?  Well he taught me to be more careful next time and to follow my instincts.

He mentioned how beautiful and sexy I was but that was the extent of his interest in me or whatever I had to say.  Don’t read too much into him finding me pretty, he also mentioned he was handsome and there was nothing handsome about him.  Anyway, who says out loud that they find themselves handsome?

He was already planning the 2nd date:  kayaking near his home and 3rd: a seafood meal in City Island (a small island not far from my home).

Still he seemed considerate to the staff in the beginning.  Later he complained that they had lowered the AC and raised the music in an effort to get us to leave.  That is when I said we should leave because I felt he was going to actually make a big deal of that.

As we were walking in my neighborhood towards my front door he kept pointing out some issues with the design of some Mercedes tires and disks (yes, among many specialties he is also a specialist in Mercedes).  While pointing at a car, a man standing next to it asked him if there was something wrong with the car.  I didn’t find a problem with the question or tone of it.  I too would be curious if someone was standing next to my car and pointing at it.  My date took issue with the question, he said: Why, are you the owner? His tone was rude and confrontational.  I shrank.  The man said no.  He proceeded to say that the guy was clearly lying and that he was the owner.  I made sure to keep walking so he had no choice but to walk away with me, pointing out to me that that is one of problems with the US, liars like that man.

At that moment I decided I was never going to see this man again (I was willing to put up with a know it all, but I draw the line at rudeness and lack of social skills and social awareness)

I should have said good bye at that point, but no, instead I continued to go and show him my favorite fruit store.  From there we walked a block to my apartment.  Here is another big mistake: When we stopped at the entrance door to my building I blurred out that I wanted to go across the street to the dollar store to get a folding chair.

So we crossed the street and went there.   The usual store keepers weren’t there and the ones that were there were a bit confused.  They kept tried telling me what kind of chair I wanted.  I told them that the chair I wanted was not on the floor and needed to be retrieved from upstairs.  I am the world’s most impatient person but still that didn’t bother me.   But my date kept getting increasingly upset.

Finally they bring the chair I want down, but now the problem is they don’t know the price.  I tell them I paid $10.00, but they say they still need to call the boss.  I am okay with that, perhaps is cheaper than that.   My date is going crazy at this time.

He starts telling me that now they are not only wasting my time but they are also calling me a liar.  I am not answering him or engaging him and that’s when he turns to the young man behind the counter and asks him why all the merchandise don’t have prices on and if he understand that that is illegal.  Whatever answer the guy gave him was not good enough.  Now he is telling him that he is a professor of Finance and he knows more about that subject than him.  When the man tries to interject and say something my date became furious.  He then says the guy was rude and should not talk to him like an equal as they are not equal and he is at a much higher level.  How dare him talk to him like they are on the same level, and it kept escalating. At one point he called the man an animal.

I was shocked, I froze.  I couldn’t believe I was listening to those words.  At this point I felt like I was on that TV show: “What would you do?” and I am ashamed to say that I have failed.  When I watch the show I always like to believe that I am going to be the person that is going to speak up and defend others.  I didn’t!  All I wanted was to get out and not let the situation get any worst.

At that point I just walk out and he follows me continue to spew his indignation, he kept going on and on on how he is going to report that store.; how he is going to make phone calls and close it down.  How he knows the governor and they all know him.  He says that he will write a letter and that in less than 2 months that store, and all others affiliated will be closed.

I still cannot believe what just transpired, well, it is still transpiring, because he is still talking.  I am thinking of how I can escape, so finally I cut him off and I just say good bye.   He leaves telling me he is going to call me to schedule the second date.

I am relieved and run inside. Was that just a dream?  I mean, nightmare.

I am embarrassed and wished I had behaved differently.  The man behind the counter in the store was an immigrant like me; so it is an additional reason why I should have stood up for him.  I should have said to my date how delusional he was being.  Still I am not sure if I would do things differently next time.  I think he has serious mental issues that need to be addressed and I am not qualified to do it.

I didn’t go back to the store yet.  I still want the chair.  Perhaps I should tell them that I have no idea who that guy was and that he just followed me in. :-)

That experience was surreal, scary, and served as an eye-opener.  All my dates are mostly nice normal men so I was starting to get careless about doing my homework before meeting someone.  I actually considered never doing online dating again.  That thought lasted a total of 5 minutes.  I realized that there are jerks everywhere.  I realized I am blessed for having seen this man’s  true colors right away.

Right now I am getting ready for a date that sounds amazing.  I know everything about him.  He is a well respected children’s librarian.  How bad can he be?  Don’t answer that! lol

Blessed with a Star on the Forehead: Not just a name, a belief and a way of life!

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I am exhausted from hosting my brother and his girlfriend for 3 weeks.  I need a vacation from their vacation.  It was fun and I got to do a lot of touristy stuff, but happy to have my solitude back!

“Visits always give pleasure–if not the arrival, the departure.” ― Portuguese Proverb

An update on my date (the doctor) from the previous posts:  He texted a couple of Sundays ago asking me if I was free.  I said I was going to be free after my brother left on the 29th.  We texted back and forth and also spoke on the phone that day, but I heard nothing since then.  When I asked him why he went silent the first time he said: “You could have called also”.  When he asked if that answered my question I said no, he then said:  “Women need to understand that men are insecure too!” I don’t understand how my honesty and telling a man I like his company would make him feel insecure.  I realize I need to date a man that is not insecure, but we can still be friends and I did enjoy all our conversations. His silence now doesn’t bother me at all, so I think I will text him to wish him a nice weekend.  It is amazing how different things feel when you take the emotional investment out of it.  When you feel you have nothing to lose you take more chances. With more chances there is more to gain.

“A man’s spirit is free, but his pride binds him with chains of suffocation in a prison of his own insecurities” -― Jeremy Aldana

***

I received an email asking me about the meaning of “a star on the forehead”.  So I decided to write here a brief summary about it.

I arrived in the US on November 9, 1984 at the naïve age of 17 years old.  I was clueless as to what awaited for me. I was full of dreams and totally fearless (it is easy when you have no clue at all that could have gone wrong).  At that point in time Brazilians would come to NY to work for a year or two and make enough money to buy a house or start a business. Looking back I am not sure what my plans/goals/dreams were but I knew 2 things:  1) No matter what I would not go back to Brazil a failure and 2) I would not give any reasons for my family to worry about me (so I never complained and never told them the truth of how incredibly hard and difficult my beginning here really was).

I will leave all the details of eventually finding work and creating a life for me here for a future post.

On Sundays I used to meet an old acquaintance from Brazil.  On this particular day she was going to the Bronx to a fortune teller, so I tagged along.  Even though I always enjoyed that type of stuff I had no money to spare so I was not going to get my fortune read/told.

We get to this very poor decrepit area in the Bronx, go to this one house and proceed to wait in this waiting area.  A woman comes out and calls my friend’s name and we go in.

There was this very large man sitting on a rug or a very thin mattress.  For some reason I was expecting the fortune teller to be a woman.   He was very heavy, it seemed that his body spilled over and it became one with this mattress/rug.  As soon as we entered the room, he man covered his eyes with one hand as if attempting to shield the glare of the sun.  He pointed to me and said: “You, don’t sit down! I am not wasting my time with you.  You have a star on the forehead!  You will have everything you want, school, work, money, anything.  Anything you want will be yours; you will just have to want it.  That is all you need to know!”

And that was all I ever needed to know.

I just moved away and my friend sat in front of him and he read her fortune.  I am not even sure if he used cards or what he did.  His words were swimming in my head the whole time as he was giving her some bad news.

Even though he spoke in Spanish (he was Puerto Rican) I was able to understand exactly what he meant.  My friend later reiterated the same thing, so there is no doubt.  At that point was not even about what he really said but about what I heard and how I felt.  I would be lying if I said that it didn’t affect me.  It affected my entire life and still does.  I took that as a sign that I was specially blessed. I held on to that at all times and still do.   To me it was a sign that my work was going to pay off and the hardships and pains were simply bumps in the road.  That was exactly what I needed to hear at that difficult time.

Since then I go through life thinking I am special.  Don’t get me wrong, I do think we are all special and we all should focus on our blessings and be more positive. There is nothing to be gained or accomplished by feeling like victims and being pessimistic.  So why not smile more, walk taller and know you are blessed?  I often say that we are all blessed, but the only difference is that I know it and recognize it and some people are totally ignorant to it.

Today, 30 years later I have an amazing life. I call it amazing, but it is simple, no frills, I just love the fact that I can afford my parents anything they need/want.  Nothing was handed to me freely and easily.  Everything I have I achieved on my own, with my own hard work and perseverance.  I have been blessed with the opportunities and skills and have made the most of it.  I have been blessed with the certainty of a Superior Power that watches over me and has my back.  Nothing can cause me harm!

I plan on one day writing in detail all I went thorough in the past 30 years.  From the very tough early days,  the trials, tribulations, the laughter and the fun.  I don’t feel ready to write it yet.

I believe anyone can have whatever they set their hearts on.  I believe that if I don’t have something I want,  it is because 1) it is not the right timing or 2)I don’t want it bad enough and therefore I am not working hard to get it.

And that is how I came up with the name of my blog.

“In the difficult moments believe in yourself.  Believe that you are whole, perfect, powerful, and blessed.” ― Debasish Mridha

Being nice, easy and going with the flow!

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

C360_2015-07-12-16-55-58-239 C360_2015-07-12-13-21-19-379

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”  Marcel Proust

Busy and Exhausted! That is my status.  Happy too, of course, always happy!   My brother and his girlfriend arrived from Brazil on Friday to spend 20 days.  This is their first time here and they don’t speak a word of English so they rely on me for everything.  On Saturday we went to Woodbury Commons Premium Outlets.  They loved it.  Things such as brand name tennis shoes are very expensive in Brazil so when Brazilians get here they go crazy with the prices and variety of styles.  On Sunday we went to the Statue of Liberty and to the One World Trade Center.  I have never been to either one so it was a great experience.  Being an immigrant myself the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island have an even greater meaning.  At the September 11 Memorial it was profoundly sad to see the names of people I knew personally.  It reminds me to tell people how much they mean to me when I have a chance to because the next moment is never a guarantee.  I will write a future post on 9/11.

There will be much more sightseeing and shopping in store in the next 2 weeks.  Tonight we are going to see The Phantom of The Opera.  This weekend we will probably visit the Museum of Natural History and Central Park, or perhaps we will go to Washington, DC, we are still deciding.  Well I am still deciding.

I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my brother.  I see him every time I go to Brazil but normally he is not the center of attention, it is all either about my Dad, Mom or my twin sister. At any rate it looks like it will not happen here either.  The girlfriend doesn’t leave his side for 5 seconds.  Even to take pictures, it is a tad annoying at times.

***

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ― Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni

Last weekend I got a call from a cousin that had come to the US to take care of some business here.  I knew he was coming but was told that he was going to stay with friends.  He called me to say hello and he seemed unsure of where he was going to stay so I offered for him to stay at my apartment.  He was supposed to travel back to Brazil on the day that my brother was arriving so it seemed perfect.

It turned out that he had to stay longer.  When I realized that I was going to have 3 people in my apartment I started stressing out.  I started missing my solitude, my privacy, my organized environment.  Then I decided to relax, embrace the uncertainty and go with the flow.  It is amazing that when you just surrender and go with the flow the Universe just takes care of everything and all just works out.

It turned out that having my cousin here this week was a blessing in disguise.  I have been able to work the entire week while my cousin takes them around.  My car is only a 2-seater, so I was stressing out about transportation but for this week I didn’t need to worry about that.

Last night I took everyone to a Japanese Steakhouse to thank him for his help.  Everyone loved it!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

***

An Update on Mr. Almost Perfect for Me (the guy from the last 2 posts)

To recap: I texted him and he replied saying that he was going to call me in the next couple of days.  The following evening he called.  I didn’t see the missed call until much later.  Honestly I am not sure if had I seen the call I would have picked it up.  He left a message saying:  Hi It is ____ I hope you are well, I Just called to say hi.

I didn’t call back, but today, a week later, I changed my mind and sent a quick text saying that I had gotten his message.  We exchanged a few pleasant texts.  I am keeping the lines of communications open.

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ― George Bernard Shaw

I don’t foresee any romance as I am not interested in that anymore (with him).  The moment he was silent it seemed that the magic was broken.   I felt disrespected.  I felt I deserved the courtesy of communication.  I know that feelings sometimes betray us and sometimes they are not even factual but until I learn to ignore my feelings that is what I am going by.   They say “it is not what happens to us but how we deal with it”, I believe that a lot times is not what happens to us but how we feel about it.  So I need to look inwards and find the reason why I feel the way I feel sometimes.  I do go overboard sometimes.

Still I see progress.  I realized the need to keep all my feelings in check.  I need to continue to exercise “non-reaction” – take some time to think before reacting.  I am finding a middle ground.  I am loving and respecting myself not to bend backwards to please someone anymore while also not being so hard and shortsighted as to shut somebody down without giving them and myself a fair chance.  I am willing to be his friends, to listen and to learn.  How I felt about how intelligent and inspiring he is hasn’t changed even if I didn’t agree with his attitude.  I am not perfect either, and that is why I am still here, to learn, to get better, to fall, to get up, to try again.

I am also being more aware of my behavior, feelings and expectations.  The moment I saw someone with, what I thought were, the same exact ideas I have about life I immediately started seeing a future with that person…to much too soon…too many expectations.  No matter how many times I try to tell myself I have no expectations I do have them and of course they often lead to disappointment.  I was perhaps a tad too open, too revealing, too excited.  Holding back is good!

I am remaining open to what the Universe has in store for me.  Freedom will be my new word! I will continue giving people freedom to come and go from my life, and giving myself the freedom to make mistakes.  Freedom is when I no longer take other’s action so personally and so painfully. (It looks like I need to read The Four Agreements again)

“Freedom is more than just a patriotic concept; it is the purest intent of our design. Be you. Be free. Be nice.” Steve Maraboli

Update on the previous post: He is alive and well, he was just ghosting me!

Tags

, , , , , ,

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I texted him.

I didn’t text to find out why he disappeared but to say things I wanted to say. I don’t like feeling I left things unsaid.  I also have been making a point of letting people know any time they have a positive impact in my life.

I had meant to talk to him about a couple of things next time I saw him (before he chose silence I thought we would continue to date and even grow closer).  I wanted to discuss my stupid question in the middle of the kiss (I asked: Are you dating other people?).  I also wanted to talk to him about how hot things got in my apartment and how to handle things next time (we both had talked about wanting a more meaningful sex life and not just a lustful act).

Here is what I texted: “By your silence I know where you stand on seeing me again. I was waiting when I saw you next to tell you a couple of things but since that doesn’t seem likely I will tell you here and now.  I am sorry I put you in an awkward position last time we were together.  My excitement and impulsiveness got the best of me, still that is not an excuse, so I am sorry.  Also, thank you for inspiring me!

I felt great about saying what I wanted to say and really didn’t expect or even wanted a reply.  Hours later he texted:

“Nice to hear from you.  I thank you for your text message but please do keep in mind that I have just as much responsibility for what transpired.  I’d like to chat with you. I will give you a call in the next couple of days if that is OK with you.  I hope you are having a great day.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
Lyndon B. Johnson

Is he feeling guilty or bad about coming into my apartment and things getting hotter than we anticipated?  Well, even though it would probably have been better not to have invited him in I don’t regret it!  First, we didn’t have sex and second I am almost 50 and he is 55, we are not kids.  Going forward we could still take things slow.  So I fail to see the problem.

Whatever his feelings were he should have given me the courtesy of talking to me about it and not just going silent.  I didn’t reply to his text and say it was okay for him to call me in a couple of days.  That is 2 days longer than I want to talk about this subject.  At this point it just feels silly. We are done, talking about it any longer feels like beating a dead horse.

I appreciated him coming into my life and motivating me to do more, read more and experience more, but I expected a better treatment from such a spiritual, well traveled, well educated, well read person, mature person.  In only 3 dates we had talked about everything.  We didn’t talk about the usual.  All our conversations were deep and meaningful, so his silence was not only strange, it was hurtful.  Giving me the silence treatment was the worst thing he could have done to me and it is not the way I want to be treated.

“You will never change what you tolerate.” ― Joel Osteen

***

Did you guys ever hear the term “Ghosting”?  It seems that there is now a word to describe the silence and disappearance of someone you are dating.  So it seems he was ghosting me!

His silence is deafening!

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!  I went to see the fireworks from Roosevelt Island in New York.  It wasn’t that great since we had only a partial view.  It turns out that to get in the better viewing area of the park you had to get tickets in advance.  It was a nice evening and we had a great time anyway. I remembered to be grateful and thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy,did you? :-)

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” 

I have to update you guys on the guy I had 3 dates with.  It sounded so promising, I was so excited and then my bubble burst.  I could go on and on analyzing this for days, actually for months, but I will spare you and me all of that. So please just allow me to analyze this for this post.

After the exchange of texts on Tuesday he texted me on Thursday to wish me a happy day.  After a couple of back and forth texts that day, he went silent.  Silence can be so loud some times.  This time it screams: “I am not that into you ”  Ouch!  That is not what I wanted to hear.  That is not what I was expecting after the deep connection we had.  I know he liked me a lot and that is why the silence is so confusing.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

I am guessing his texting me a few times after the last date was just a way of letting me down easy, which I find kind of insulting.  He seemed so upfront that I expected a more direct approach then silence.   I know it has only been only 4 days since I last heard from him, but when someone is in touch every day this speaks volumes.  Plus this feeling inside of me pretty much tells me it is over before it began.  This is disappointing because I really enjoyed his mind and was hoping that we could be friends even if romance didn’t materialize.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”

I can’t help but feel a little crushed but this is, yet again, a learning opportunity.

  • I am learning that I should relax and take dating for what it is. It is a getting to know each other dance. Some people are upfront, some people play games and some people are just inept.
  • Don’t assume anything.  Just because all the signs point to a great connection it doesn’t mean that there really is one, and it doesn’t mean the other person is feeling the same way.
  • Not all that glitters is gold.  He seemed amazing, so I raised my expectations and it turns out he is great but still as flawed as everyone else.
  • Don’t expect people to act how you would, or how you think they should – that only leads to disappointment.  I would have been upfront instead of quietly going away.
  • Don’t take anything personally. His silence doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with me.  He has his reasons.
  • You don’t have to understand the situation, you just need to accept and respect. I am confused because I know there was a connection.  But I know better than to call and ask what happened. I accept, respect and move on.
  • Enjoy the moment, be fully present and don’t get caught up in dreaming a future or bringing up the past.

Here is the best part of this whole thing:  I am able to recognize the blessing and move on.  His arrival was a blessing.  His silence is a blessing.  It is amazing how peaceful I become when I choose to accept everything as a blessing.

“When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved it if he had called and if we had continued seeing each other. And perhaps he will still call, but his few texts and then silence only mean one thing:  He is just not interested.   I also know how I should and deserve to be treated and long periods of silence are not acceptable.  His silence gave me space and time to see things clearly and he is not who I thought he was.  So at this point even if he contacts me I am no longer interested in romance, I can still be friends but the flames of potential love have been put out by his careless manner and attitude.

I thank him for showing me his disinterest early on and leaving room so that the right one can come in.   I am glad I get to find out now and not later, before more heart, time and energy is invested.

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”

I have grown so much in the last 4 years.  The way I am feeling and dealing with this silence is a great proof of it.  I haven’t been excited about somebody as much as this person in a real long time, many years in fact.  So there was a twinge of sadness and pain at the silence, but it was momentary; I no longer linger in pain, sadness and what ifs.

I have learned to accept that people will come and go from my life.  That knowledge gives me peace when they choose to leave.  It means that whatever their mission, whatever the lesson they had for me it is done.  I thank them and I let it go.  I love leaving the door wide open.  Stay if you want, go if you must!

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

I have to give him credit for being a motivator in my own personal growth journey, even without knowing.  Since I have met him I have started to read more and have already finished 2 books that had long been sitting in the shelf.  The same way I decided to be more open and give people a chance I decided to give all the books sitting in my bookcase a chance (no more reading just the first couple pages and putting it aside).  I am also looking into some workshops to take in the future.

He came to:

1) To motivate me to continue to search for growth, especially spiritually. He was so spiritual and intelligent it was inspiring.

2) To make me believe that guys that are intelligent, spiritual, optimist, humble, grateful, open minded, interested in personal growth and traveling the world do indeed exist.  He was one and I am sure there are others.

3) To show me that I can get excited about a guy the same way I got excited about ex.  It had been a long time and I thought I would never have such feelings again.  He awoke certain dormant feelings.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Instead of being discouraged and defeated I am totally the opposite, I am motivated, pumped and eager.  He has only strengthened my resolve to find someone.  Meeting him just tells me that I am getting closer to the one.  It may take a while and hard work, but I never wanted easy anyway, I am willing to work for that amazing love.  Finding the One is not easy; I don’t expect it to be.  Nothing easy is worth having anyway.  For that one chance to have that magical fairy tale I am willing to keep trying and willing to lay my heart on the line every time.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

As far as how I behaved and how fast I took things I will try to slow down next time, even though I don’t think that I did anything wrong.  He is gone not because I did anything wrong but because of his own reasons.  He is also gone because even thought I thought he was good for me the Universe has someone better in mind.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

 “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”

At the end of the day this is dating, I just need to get better at navigating it.  But still I will continue getting excited about people and I will continue being upfront because that is my essence.

In Brazil we joke that men (women) are like buses, you lose (miss) one but there is always another one around the corner.  Next!

* All quotes are by Paulo Coelho

Is the third date the charm or the undoing?

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Let the lover be. ” ― RumiThe Essential Rumi

So this is about the third date with AS.  I normally don’t get excited enough about anyone to go on a second date let alone a third date, so this is really a major deal.  I am trying to reign in my excitement and not get ahead of myself.

For this third date we decided to meet to play ping-pong as I told him I could probably beat him.  Before the date he called me to see if I wanted to have dinner first.  So we met at the same Vegetarian restaurant from the first date (I am missing burgers already :-(  This time I didn’t quite care for my meal but the conversation continued to be great and flow easily.

My first misstep:  I told him that I liked him and was excited to have met him.  Why be so honest and upfront?  He said he felt the same way.  But what was he going to say?  why do I have this need to lay all my card on the table so soon?

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

After dinner we went to shoot pool (as the place no longer had ping pong tables).  I lost!  No news there as I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to pool.

After we were done playing he drove me to my apartment building and walked me to my lobby. In that few seconds where he would give me a quick peck on the lips I turn to him and  said: What now?  Want to come up?  His answer was sure, or something like that. Misstep # 2: I invited him to my apartment.   I don’t know why I did it, it was totally impulsive.    I knew there would be no sex and there would be no chance that he would be anything less than a gentleman.  But still why did I have to?  I am guessing I wanted to get a real kiss.  To me it is all about the kiss, and even though a light peck on the lips was sweet and good,  I craved more.

I offered him some coffee, tea or juice but he settled on water.  Then I showed him my apartment which he said was great.  He kissed me while I was showing him around.  There were sparks!!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” ― Rumi

We sat on the couch and discussed some of the books I had on my bookshelf.  Then we kissed some more.  Things got hot and heavy – I take full blame for lighting the flames.  There was no sex as we have already discussed how we think that sex should special and have meaning and not be just this lustful urge.  I think that we both forgot about all that for a minute but we were able to recover before things got too far.  Misstep # 3: Let things get too hot, actually causing things to get too hot.

“Forget safety.  Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.   Be notorious.” ― Rumi

I am a bit mad with myself.  Why couldn’t I just let him take charge and steer this relationship? I doubt things would get as hot as it did.  It is all good as I mentioned no sex happened, but I just don’t like when I see myself trying to be so controlling and dictating everything.  Why do I have this need to be in charge?  Now I will never know how things would have unfolded if I had let him drive.  I skipped steps.

“Remember. The way you make love is the way God will be with you.” ― Rumi

But that is not the worst part!  Misstep # 4: In the middle of a kiss I stop and ask him if he is dating other people.  Now, why did I have to do that?  He should be dating other people; I should be dating other people.  This is only the third date!!

He said: no, are you?  I said no.  And with that I just shot myself on the foot! Who starts this type of conversation in the middle of kissing?  Why do I have to push people for answers, decisions, labels.  Why can’t I just let things flow, why can’t I let nature run its course?

Now I forced myself to not date anybody else otherwise I am going to be a liar. I plan on talking to him about that next chance I get.  Or perhaps I should leave things alone?

“Not only the thirsty seek the water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.” ― Rumi

I have not seen him since that date (Thursday), he was away at a wedding and returned this morning (Tuesday).  He has texted me that he is back and swamped trying to catch up at work.  He hasn’t asked me out  again yet.  I expect he will.

I am trying to control my impatience and impulsiveness – it is a constant struggle!  I need to stop trying to take the driver’s seat.  I blame my impatience, my hurry, my need to have answers, results, to be in people’s face, my need for reaction from people.

“Gamble everything for love, if you’re a true human being.” ― Rumi

And then I remember that I need to be nice to myself, not only that but I need to be myself.  I need to honor the beauty in the type of person I am.  I am beautifully flawed, but I am real.  So I err on the side of too honest, too curious, too Impulsive, but at the end of the day I am me.  I am not acting or playing games.  If someone is going to love me, they will have to get used to it sooner or later.

“Put your thoughts to sleep, do not let them cast a shadow over the moon of your heart.  Let go of thinking.” ― Rumi

The wonderful world of possibilities and anticipation!

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

* “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” Steve Maraboli

What I love most about life is the fact that the future is such a mysterious gift.  I continue to try to work hard, be positive, humble, grateful, pro-active and most important, to be present in the moment. I believe that if I continue to do my part the Universe will continue to bless me with miraculous rewards.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that there is nothing to gain for beating myself up when I make a mistake.  A mistake happens, I ponder about what I could have done different, how I will handle the same situation in the future, but most important, I try to find the lesson in the mistake so I don’t repeat it again.  In my last post I spoke about the mistake of having sex with AL.

That single mistake/lesson has been a major turning point for me.  It made me realize what I really want in life as far as romantic relationships and sex.  For me platonic friends and sex is not a good combination.   AL and I continue to text and be friends.  I continue to regard him as a great friend and as someone I can count on.  I take full responsibility for that mistake and I am grateful for the part he played in helping me learn the lessons I needed to learn.

* “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” 

The Universe has an incredible/impeccable  timing.  Two nights after I was with AL I went on a date with someone new.  I met this guy on POF (Plenty of Fish). I will call him AS.

I decided to have a new attitude in dating now.  I will have no expectations and be open minded to everyone I meet. I will give everyone a fair chance and will try to be in the moment and already foresee the future.  I never expected that as soon as I decided to make a mental shift that I would meet someone special.

* “Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer.”

I met AS at an Italian Restaurant and we decided to walk to a Vegetarian Restaurant that his sister had just visited and recommended. The food was good, but the company and conversation was exceptional. There was no lull in the conversation. He talks about the same books I have read (or meant to read :-).  He talks about Ho’oponopono (an ancient Hawaiian practice) and his experience with Shamans (spiritual healers), among many other things that not everyone is familiar with but I happen to know about it and believe in.  We are in awe of the so many things we have in common.  Our outlook in so similar, we both feel blessed and believe that the Universe conspires to bring us what we need and what we emanate.  We believe in being humble and grateful.  It feels good to talk about the things I believe in without thinking I am going to scare him or weird him out. He also loves to travel and wants to see the world – another important connection for me.

After dinner he walked me home.  In the lobby of my building he took my face in his hands, gave me a sweet peck on the lips and said he would like to see me again.  That was Wednesday night.  The next day he texted and asked me out to brunch on Sunday.

It was very hard for me to keep my excitement down.  Will a second date be equally as nice as the first or will all fall apart?

All the guys I meet end up living very far, but in this case even the logistics are perfect.  He lives 10 blocks away from where I live.  He also works 10 blocks away from my work.

The second date was even better.  We sat and talked for 3 hours.  He had to go meet friends so eventually we had to leave. Even though I live only 2 blocks away from the restaurant he said he would drive me home -I think we both wanted to spend as much time as we could together.  As we are walking to his car he asked if he could hold my hand. I said yes.  If this was any other guy I would find this request extremely corny, but with him it seemed gentle, cute and respectful.

He parked in front of my building and as I am getting ready to leap out, he said: “Hold on, let me walk you to your door” …another gentlemanly moment that makes me feel special.  At my door he says good bye with a sweet peck on my lips again as in the first date. It is amazing how sometimes times tiny gestures have a huge impact!

* “There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.”

I love that he seems so secure and so unhurried about things.  He was not all over me even though the chemistry and sexual tension is there.  It is as if he knows that something will happen but he realizes that waiting and taking it slow can only make it better.

He inspired me to get moving on my goals in life and to get back to reading all the personal growth and spiritual books I have on my bookshelf that I never seem able to finish.  He pursues education and self improvement with a determination I have never seen before.  Being inspired by my partner to become a better person is one of the ideas I have for the right person for me. Please don’t confuse my thinking he is perfect for me with thinking that is he is perfect.  No one is!   I also think that he could also learn from me.  I think I can have him laughing more, relaxing more.

* “If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly.” 

As expected I have been floating on this cloud of anticipation of what it is to come (being careful not to miss the present moment).  I think anticipation is okay but expectations are bad!  Still I am trying to keep all the excitement in check as there are always all kinds of impediments in new relationships.  After all we only had 3 dates and don’t really know each other.

The third date was on Thursday night.  We had decided to play ping pong since I said that I probably could beat him at that. But I will save the details of the third for the next post in the next day or so. I feel the third date deserves its own post, as insecurities, fears and self sabotage already started rearing their ugly heads. He was away this weekend to be in wedding returning on this coming Thursday.  So I had/have plenty of time to dissect and analyze every second of this third date and all I have done wrong…yes my impatience and impulsiveness got the best of me.  Dating as an Aries is tough!

* “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.”

What I will say for now is that it seems I met my match.  My heart is singing with the melody of possibilities.

So that things don’t seem just absolutely perfect I will venture some differences between him and I: Due to his profession he is very conscious about eating, health and the world.  He is a vegetarian that tries to stay away from sugar and other ingredients deemed unhealthy.  He is extremely book smart, serious, focused and driven.  I am a street smart, sarcastic girl that loves a good bacon cheese burger and rewards herself with sweets.  I am totally unfocused with a wandering mind that lack clear goals.  Will our optimism and eternally blessed attitude be enough to bridge this gap?

* “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” 

* All quotes are by Steve Maraboli.  He is so inspiring!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,642 other followers