Being nice, easy and going with the flow!

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

C360_2015-07-12-16-55-58-239 C360_2015-07-12-13-21-19-379

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”  Marcel Proust

Busy and Exhausted! That is my status.  Happy too, of course, always happy!   My brother and his girlfriend arrived from Brazil on Friday to spend 20 days.  This is their first time here and they don’t speak a word of English so they rely on me for everything.  On Saturday we went to Woodbury Commons Premium Outlets.  They loved it.  Things such as brand name tennis shoes are very expensive in Brazil so when Brazilians get here they go crazy with the prices and variety of styles.  On Sunday we went to the Statue of Liberty and to the One World Trade Center.  I have never been to either one so it was a great experience.  Being an immigrant myself the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island have an even greater meaning.  At the September 11 Memorial it was profoundly sad to see the names of people I knew personally.  It reminds me to tell people how much they mean to me when I have a chance to because the next moment is never a guarantee.  I will write a future post on 9/11.

There will be much more sightseeing and shopping in store in the next 2 weeks.  Tonight we are going to see The Phantom of The Opera.  This weekend we will probably visit the Museum of Natural History and Central Park, or perhaps we will go to Washington, DC, we are still deciding.  Well I am still deciding.

I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my brother.  I see him every time I go to Brazil but normally he is not the center of attention, it is all either about my Dad, Mom or my twin sister. At any rate it looks like it will not happen here either.  The girlfriend doesn’t leave his side for 5 seconds.  Even to take pictures, it is a tad annoying at times.

***

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ― Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni

Last weekend I got a call from a cousin that had come to the US to take care of some business here.  I knew he was coming but was told that he was going to stay with friends.  He called me to say hello and he seemed unsure of where he was going to stay so I offered for him to stay at my apartment.  He was supposed to travel back to Brazil on the day that my brother was arriving so it seemed perfect.

It turned out that he had to stay longer.  When I realized that I was going to have 3 people in my apartment I started stressing out.  I started missing my solitude, my privacy, my organized environment.  Then I decided to relax, embrace the uncertainty and go with the flow.  It is amazing that when you just surrender and go with the flow the Universe just takes care of everything and all just works out.

It turned out that having my cousin here this week was a blessing in disguise.  I have been able to work the entire week while my cousin takes them around.  My car is only a 2-seater, so I was stressing out about transportation but for this week I didn’t need to worry about that.

Last night I took everyone to a Japanese Steakhouse to thank him for his help.  Everyone loved it!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

***

An Update on Mr. Almost Perfect for Me (the guy from the last 2 posts)

To recap: I texted him and he replied saying that he was going to call me in the next couple of days.  The following evening he called.  I didn’t see the missed call until much later.  Honestly I am not sure if had I seen the call I would have picked it up.  He left a message saying:  Hi It is ____ I hope you are well, I Just called to say hi.

I didn’t call back, but today, a week later, I changed my mind and sent a quick text saying that I had gotten his message.  We exchanged a few pleasant texts.  I am keeping the lines of communications open.

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ― George Bernard Shaw

I don’t foresee any romance as I am not interested in that anymore (with him).  The moment he was silent it seemed that the magic was broken.   I felt disrespected.  I felt I deserved the courtesy of communication.  I know that feelings sometimes betray us and sometimes they are not even factual but until I learn to ignore my feelings that is what I am going by.   They say “it is not what happens to us but how we deal with it”, I believe that a lot times is not what happens to us but how we feel about it.  So I need to look inwards and find the reason why I feel the way I feel sometimes.  I do go overboard sometimes.

Still I see progress.  I realized the need to keep all my feelings in check.  I need to continue to exercise “non-reaction” – take some time to think before reacting.  I am finding a middle ground.  I am loving and respecting myself not to bend backwards to please someone anymore while also not being so hard and shortsighted as to shut somebody down without giving them and myself a fair chance.  I am willing to be his friends, to listen and to learn.  How I felt about how intelligent and inspiring he is hasn’t changed even if I didn’t agree with his attitude.  I am not perfect either, and that is why I am still here, to learn, to get better, to fall, to get up, to try again.

I am also being more aware of my behavior, feelings and expectations.  The moment I saw someone with, what I thought were, the same exact ideas I have about life I immediately started seeing a future with that person…to much too soon…too many expectations.  No matter how many times I try to tell myself I have no expectations I do have them and of course they often lead to disappointment.  I was perhaps a tad too open, too revealing, too excited.  Holding back is good!

I am remaining open to what the Universe has in store for me.  Freedom will be my new word! I will continue giving people freedom to come and go from my life, and giving myself the freedom to make mistakes.  Freedom is when I no longer take other’s action so personally and so painfully. (It looks like I need to read The Four Agreements again)

“Freedom is more than just a patriotic concept; it is the purest intent of our design. Be you. Be free. Be nice.” Steve Maraboli

Update on the previous post: He is alive and well, he was just ghosting me!

Tags

, , , , , ,

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I texted him.

I didn’t text to find out why he disappeared but to say things I wanted to say. I don’t like feeling I left things unsaid.  I also have been making a point of letting people know any time they have a positive impact in my life.

I had meant to talk to him about a couple of things next time I saw him (before he chose silence I thought we would continue to date and even grow closer).  I wanted to discuss my stupid question in the middle of the kiss (I asked: Are you dating other people?).  I also wanted to talk to him about how hot things got in my apartment and how to handle things next time (we both had talked about wanting a more meaningful sex life and not just a lustful act).

Here is what I texted: “By your silence I know where you stand on seeing me again. I was waiting when I saw you next to tell you a couple of things but since that doesn’t seem likely I will tell you here and now.  I am sorry I put you in an awkward position last time we were together.  My excitement and impulsiveness got the best of me, still that is not an excuse, so I am sorry.  Also, thank you for inspiring me!

I felt great about saying what I wanted to say and really didn’t expect or even wanted a reply.  Hours later he texted:

“Nice to hear from you.  I thank you for your text message but please do keep in mind that I have just as much responsibility for what transpired.  I’d like to chat with you. I will give you a call in the next couple of days if that is OK with you.  I hope you are having a great day.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
Lyndon B. Johnson

Is he feeling guilty or bad about coming into my apartment and things getting hotter than we anticipated?  Well, even though it would probably have been better not to have invited him in I don’t regret it!  First, we didn’t have sex and second I am almost 50 and he is 55, we are not kids.  Going forward we could still take things slow.  So I fail to see the problem.

Whatever his feelings were he should have given me the courtesy of talking to me about it and not just going silent.  I didn’t reply to his text and say it was okay for him to call me in a couple of days.  That is 2 days longer than I want to talk about this subject.  At this point it just feels silly. We are done, talking about it any longer feels like beating a dead horse.

I appreciated him coming into my life and motivating me to do more, read more and experience more, but I expected a better treatment from such a spiritual, well traveled, well educated, well read person, mature person.  In only 3 dates we had talked about everything.  We didn’t talk about the usual.  All our conversations were deep and meaningful, so his silence was not only strange, it was hurtful.  Giving me the silence treatment was the worst thing he could have done to me and it is not the way I want to be treated.

“You will never change what you tolerate.” ― Joel Osteen

***

Did you guys ever hear the term “Ghosting”?  It seems that there is now a word to describe the silence and disappearance of someone you are dating.  So it seems he was ghosting me!

His silence is deafening!

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!  I went to see the fireworks from Roosevelt Island in New York.  It wasn’t that great since we had only a partial view.  It turns out that to get in the better viewing area of the park you had to get tickets in advance.  It was a nice evening and we had a great time anyway. I remembered to be grateful and thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy,did you? :-)

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” 

I have to update you guys on the guy I had 3 dates with.  It sounded so promising, I was so excited and then my bubble burst.  I could go on and on analyzing this for days, actually for months, but I will spare you and me all of that. So please just allow me to analyze this for this post.

After the exchange of texts on Tuesday he texted me on Thursday to wish me a happy day.  After a couple of back and forth texts that day, he went silent.  Silence can be so loud some times.  This time it screams: “I am not that into you ”  Ouch!  That is not what I wanted to hear.  That is not what I was expecting after the deep connection we had.  I know he liked me a lot and that is why the silence is so confusing.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

I am guessing his texting me a few times after the last date was just a way of letting me down easy, which I find kind of insulting.  He seemed so upfront that I expected a more direct approach then silence.   I know it has only been only 4 days since I last heard from him, but when someone is in touch every day this speaks volumes.  Plus this feeling inside of me pretty much tells me it is over before it began.  This is disappointing because I really enjoyed his mind and was hoping that we could be friends even if romance didn’t materialize.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”

I can’t help but feel a little crushed but this is, yet again, a learning opportunity.

  • I am learning that I should relax and take dating for what it is. It is a getting to know each other dance. Some people are upfront, some people play games and some people are just inept.
  • Don’t assume anything.  Just because all the signs point to a great connection it doesn’t mean that there really is one, and it doesn’t mean the other person is feeling the same way.
  • Not all that glitters is gold.  He seemed amazing, so I raised my expectations and it turns out he is great but still as flawed as everyone else.
  • Don’t expect people to act how you would, or how you think they should – that only leads to disappointment.  I would have been upfront instead of quietly going away.
  • Don’t take anything personally. His silence doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with me.  He has his reasons.
  • You don’t have to understand the situation, you just need to accept and respect. I am confused because I know there was a connection.  But I know better than to call and ask what happened. I accept, respect and move on.
  • Enjoy the moment, be fully present and don’t get caught up in dreaming a future or bringing up the past.

Here is the best part of this whole thing:  I am able to recognize the blessing and move on.  His arrival was a blessing.  His silence is a blessing.  It is amazing how peaceful I become when I choose to accept everything as a blessing.

“When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved it if he had called and if we had continued seeing each other. And perhaps he will still call, but his few texts and then silence only mean one thing:  He is just not interested.   I also know how I should and deserve to be treated and long periods of silence are not acceptable.  His silence gave me space and time to see things clearly and he is not who I thought he was.  So at this point even if he contacts me I am no longer interested in romance, I can still be friends but the flames of potential love have been put out by his careless manner and attitude.

I thank him for showing me his disinterest early on and leaving room so that the right one can come in.   I am glad I get to find out now and not later, before more heart, time and energy is invested.

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”

I have grown so much in the last 4 years.  The way I am feeling and dealing with this silence is a great proof of it.  I haven’t been excited about somebody as much as this person in a real long time, many years in fact.  So there was a twinge of sadness and pain at the silence, but it was momentary; I no longer linger in pain, sadness and what ifs.

I have learned to accept that people will come and go from my life.  That knowledge gives me peace when they choose to leave.  It means that whatever their mission, whatever the lesson they had for me it is done.  I thank them and I let it go.  I love leaving the door wide open.  Stay if you want, go if you must!

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

I have to give him credit for being a motivator in my own personal growth journey, even without knowing.  Since I have met him I have started to read more and have already finished 2 books that had long been sitting in the shelf.  The same way I decided to be more open and give people a chance I decided to give all the books sitting in my bookcase a chance (no more reading just the first couple pages and putting it aside).  I am also looking into some workshops to take in the future.

He came to:

1) To motivate me to continue to search for growth, especially spiritually. He was so spiritual and intelligent it was inspiring.

2) To make me believe that guys that are intelligent, spiritual, optimist, humble, grateful, open minded, interested in personal growth and traveling the world do indeed exist.  He was one and I am sure there are others.

3) To show me that I can get excited about a guy the same way I got excited about ex.  It had been a long time and I thought I would never have such feelings again.  He awoke certain dormant feelings.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Instead of being discouraged and defeated I am totally the opposite, I am motivated, pumped and eager.  He has only strengthened my resolve to find someone.  Meeting him just tells me that I am getting closer to the one.  It may take a while and hard work, but I never wanted easy anyway, I am willing to work for that amazing love.  Finding the One is not easy; I don’t expect it to be.  Nothing easy is worth having anyway.  For that one chance to have that magical fairy tale I am willing to keep trying and willing to lay my heart on the line every time.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

As far as how I behaved and how fast I took things I will try to slow down next time, even though I don’t think that I did anything wrong.  He is gone not because I did anything wrong but because of his own reasons.  He is also gone because even thought I thought he was good for me the Universe has someone better in mind.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

 “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”

At the end of the day this is dating, I just need to get better at navigating it.  But still I will continue getting excited about people and I will continue being upfront because that is my essence.

In Brazil we joke that men (women) are like buses, you lose (miss) one but there is always another one around the corner.  Next!

* All quotes are by Paulo Coelho

Is the third date the charm or the undoing?

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Let the lover be. ” ― RumiThe Essential Rumi

So this is about the third date with AS.  I normally don’t get excited enough about anyone to go on a second date let alone a third date, so this is really a major deal.  I am trying to reign in my excitement and not get ahead of myself.

For this third date we decided to meet to play ping-pong as I told him I could probably beat him.  Before the date he called me to see if I wanted to have dinner first.  So we met at the same Vegetarian restaurant from the first date (I am missing burgers already :-(  This time I didn’t quite care for my meal but the conversation continued to be great and flow easily.

My first misstep:  I told him that I liked him and was excited to have met him.  Why be so honest and upfront?  He said he felt the same way.  But what was he going to say?  why do I have this need to lay all my card on the table so soon?

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

After dinner we went to shoot pool (as the place no longer had ping pong tables).  I lost!  No news there as I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to pool.

After we were done playing he drove me to my apartment building and walked me to my lobby. In that few seconds where he would give me a quick peck on the lips I turn to him and  said: What now?  Want to come up?  His answer was sure, or something like that. Misstep # 2: I invited him to my apartment.   I don’t know why I did it, it was totally impulsive.    I knew there would be no sex and there would be no chance that he would be anything less than a gentleman.  But still why did I have to?  I am guessing I wanted to get a real kiss.  To me it is all about the kiss, and even though a light peck on the lips was sweet and good,  I craved more.

I offered him some coffee, tea or juice but he settled on water.  Then I showed him my apartment which he said was great.  He kissed me while I was showing him around.  There were sparks!!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” ― Rumi

We sat on the couch and discussed some of the books I had on my bookshelf.  Then we kissed some more.  Things got hot and heavy – I take full blame for lighting the flames.  There was no sex as we have already discussed how we think that sex should special and have meaning and not be just this lustful urge.  I think that we both forgot about all that for a minute but we were able to recover before things got too far.  Misstep # 3: Let things get too hot, actually causing things to get too hot.

“Forget safety.  Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.   Be notorious.” ― Rumi

I am a bit mad with myself.  Why couldn’t I just let him take charge and steer this relationship? I doubt things would get as hot as it did.  It is all good as I mentioned no sex happened, but I just don’t like when I see myself trying to be so controlling and dictating everything.  Why do I have this need to be in charge?  Now I will never know how things would have unfolded if I had let him drive.  I skipped steps.

“Remember. The way you make love is the way God will be with you.” ― Rumi

But that is not the worst part!  Misstep # 4: In the middle of a kiss I stop and ask him if he is dating other people.  Now, why did I have to do that?  He should be dating other people; I should be dating other people.  This is only the third date!!

He said: no, are you?  I said no.  And with that I just shot myself on the foot! Who starts this type of conversation in the middle of kissing?  Why do I have to push people for answers, decisions, labels.  Why can’t I just let things flow, why can’t I let nature run its course?

Now I forced myself to not date anybody else otherwise I am going to be a liar. I plan on talking to him about that next chance I get.  Or perhaps I should leave things alone?

“Not only the thirsty seek the water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.” ― Rumi

I have not seen him since that date (Thursday), he was away at a wedding and returned this morning (Tuesday).  He has texted me that he is back and swamped trying to catch up at work.  He hasn’t asked me out  again yet.  I expect he will.

I am trying to control my impatience and impulsiveness – it is a constant struggle!  I need to stop trying to take the driver’s seat.  I blame my impatience, my hurry, my need to have answers, results, to be in people’s face, my need for reaction from people.

“Gamble everything for love, if you’re a true human being.” ― Rumi

And then I remember that I need to be nice to myself, not only that but I need to be myself.  I need to honor the beauty in the type of person I am.  I am beautifully flawed, but I am real.  So I err on the side of too honest, too curious, too Impulsive, but at the end of the day I am me.  I am not acting or playing games.  If someone is going to love me, they will have to get used to it sooner or later.

“Put your thoughts to sleep, do not let them cast a shadow over the moon of your heart.  Let go of thinking.” ― Rumi

The wonderful world of possibilities and anticipation!

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

* “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” Steve Maraboli

What I love most about life is the fact that the future is such a mysterious gift.  I continue to try to work hard, be positive, humble, grateful, pro-active and most important, to be present in the moment. I believe that if I continue to do my part the Universe will continue to bless me with miraculous rewards.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that there is nothing to gain for beating myself up when I make a mistake.  A mistake happens, I ponder about what I could have done different, how I will handle the same situation in the future, but most important, I try to find the lesson in the mistake so I don’t repeat it again.  In my last post I spoke about the mistake of having sex with AL.

That single mistake/lesson has been a major turning point for me.  It made me realize what I really want in life as far as romantic relationships and sex.  For me platonic friends and sex is not a good combination.   AL and I continue to text and be friends.  I continue to regard him as a great friend and as someone I can count on.  I take full responsibility for that mistake and I am grateful for the part he played in helping me learn the lessons I needed to learn.

* “We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” 

The Universe has an incredible/impeccable  timing.  Two nights after I was with AL I went on a date with someone new.  I met this guy on POF (Plenty of Fish). I will call him AS.

I decided to have a new attitude in dating now.  I will have no expectations and be open minded to everyone I meet. I will give everyone a fair chance and will try to be in the moment and already foresee the future.  I never expected that as soon as I decided to make a mental shift that I would meet someone special.

* “Your greatest self has been waiting your whole life; don’t make it wait any longer.”

I met AS at an Italian Restaurant and we decided to walk to a Vegetarian Restaurant that his sister had just visited and recommended. The food was good, but the company and conversation was exceptional. There was no lull in the conversation. He talks about the same books I have read (or meant to read :-).  He talks about Ho’oponopono (an ancient Hawaiian practice) and his experience with Shamans (spiritual healers), among many other things that not everyone is familiar with but I happen to know about it and believe in.  We are in awe of the so many things we have in common.  Our outlook in so similar, we both feel blessed and believe that the Universe conspires to bring us what we need and what we emanate.  We believe in being humble and grateful.  It feels good to talk about the things I believe in without thinking I am going to scare him or weird him out. He also loves to travel and wants to see the world – another important connection for me.

After dinner he walked me home.  In the lobby of my building he took my face in his hands, gave me a sweet peck on the lips and said he would like to see me again.  That was Wednesday night.  The next day he texted and asked me out to brunch on Sunday.

It was very hard for me to keep my excitement down.  Will a second date be equally as nice as the first or will all fall apart?

All the guys I meet end up living very far, but in this case even the logistics are perfect.  He lives 10 blocks away from where I live.  He also works 10 blocks away from my work.

The second date was even better.  We sat and talked for 3 hours.  He had to go meet friends so eventually we had to leave. Even though I live only 2 blocks away from the restaurant he said he would drive me home -I think we both wanted to spend as much time as we could together.  As we are walking to his car he asked if he could hold my hand. I said yes.  If this was any other guy I would find this request extremely corny, but with him it seemed gentle, cute and respectful.

He parked in front of my building and as I am getting ready to leap out, he said: “Hold on, let me walk you to your door” …another gentlemanly moment that makes me feel special.  At my door he says good bye with a sweet peck on my lips again as in the first date. It is amazing how sometimes times tiny gestures have a huge impact!

* “There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you.”

I love that he seems so secure and so unhurried about things.  He was not all over me even though the chemistry and sexual tension is there.  It is as if he knows that something will happen but he realizes that waiting and taking it slow can only make it better.

He inspired me to get moving on my goals in life and to get back to reading all the personal growth and spiritual books I have on my bookshelf that I never seem able to finish.  He pursues education and self improvement with a determination I have never seen before.  Being inspired by my partner to become a better person is one of the ideas I have for the right person for me. Please don’t confuse my thinking he is perfect for me with thinking that is he is perfect.  No one is!   I also think that he could also learn from me.  I think I can have him laughing more, relaxing more.

* “If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly.” 

As expected I have been floating on this cloud of anticipation of what it is to come (being careful not to miss the present moment).  I think anticipation is okay but expectations are bad!  Still I am trying to keep all the excitement in check as there are always all kinds of impediments in new relationships.  After all we only had 3 dates and don’t really know each other.

The third date was on Thursday night.  We had decided to play ping pong since I said that I probably could beat him at that. But I will save the details of the third for the next post in the next day or so. I feel the third date deserves its own post, as insecurities, fears and self sabotage already started rearing their ugly heads. He was away this weekend to be in wedding returning on this coming Thursday.  So I had/have plenty of time to dissect and analyze every second of this third date and all I have done wrong…yes my impatience and impulsiveness got the best of me.  Dating as an Aries is tough!

* “Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.”

What I will say for now is that it seems I met my match.  My heart is singing with the melody of possibilities.

So that things don’t seem just absolutely perfect I will venture some differences between him and I: Due to his profession he is very conscious about eating, health and the world.  He is a vegetarian that tries to stay away from sugar and other ingredients deemed unhealthy.  He is extremely book smart, serious, focused and driven.  I am a street smart, sarcastic girl that loves a good bacon cheese burger and rewards herself with sweets.  I am totally unfocused with a wandering mind that lack clear goals.  Will our optimism and eternally blessed attitude be enough to bridge this gap?

* “Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” 

* All quotes are by Steve Maraboli.  He is so inspiring!

Not just Sex, not a Mistake, but a very freeing lesson!

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?” Kahlil Gibran

Here is the hard, but so necessary, post I hinted about it.  First I have to mention this post: http://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2015/05/11/tired-of-accepting-less-than-i-deserve/

You don’t have to read it again, I will summarize it here: AL is 16 years younger than I am. We dated briefly and even though we got along we realized that we were better as friends.  Then he got very busy and our friendship became texting only. I was not happy that he didn’t make time to see me and asked him not to contact me again.  I felt I needed and deserved more from a friend.  That is pretty much the meat of that post.

“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.” ― Osho

Then I changed my mind… I missed him and decided I rather have a texting relationship then none.   I felt that he was much more of a friend than some of my other friends.  I missed our banter.  So I thought about it for a few days (extra points for me for not being impulsive) and finally texted him.

It is a bit embarrassing to go on and on a post about something and then completely change my mind.  But I can see beauty and freedom in that too.  I am only human and often confused.

He replied immediately saying how happy he was that I got in touch.  He said there were many times he wanted to say hi but he was trying to respect my wishes.  From then on we started texting again.  He also promised to make more of an effort.  And he has.  One evening over a week ago,  right after I had returned home from a date,  he texted me to say hello.  I started confiding in him about the date and he invited me over to his house.  I went.  We shared a glass of wine and many stories.  It felt great seeing him again. When I was about to leave we kissed.  And then we kissed some more.   I left before things went any further.

I got home that night and an idea started forming in my head.  What if AL and I became Friends with Benefits?  The next morning that idea was still in my mind and it only kept getting stronger.

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”  Mae West

It is about time this hot Brazilian injects some fun into her life and learns to be freer with her body. I miss sex, I miss intimacy.  Sometimes all a girl wants is to be touched.  But I don’t want to jump in bed with just anyone.  AL seemed like the perfect guy to help me with that.  We had sex before and I have good memories of it.  He is familiar, safe and non-threatening.  I don’t have to commit to him (lately it seems that any time a guy gets close to me I run away).  I have no expectations.  I don’t want a relationship with him.  He is a great guy but besides the large age difference, we are at very different stages in life.  Also, some of his quirks that now seem fun would end up driving me nuts.

And that is when I wrote on my last post the little preview about writing this post.  I wanted your feedback.  I am not completly sure what I wanted to achieve but writing about it.  I don’t know if I wanted you to tell me that it was okay to go ahead and have sex with him.  I don’t know if I wanted you to talk some sense into me and make me change my mind.  I probably wanted you to point out all the flaws in my plan.  I also wanted to out myself on the fact that I miss and want sex.  I am fiercely independent so it is hard to face certain things, such as the fact that I miss having sex with someone.  It is hard to come out and say that I am actually thinking that having a friend with benefits is a great idea.  It is hard for me to say that I am not self sufficient and need someone.

“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.” ― Edna St. Vincent Millay

I kept coming up with reasons on how this was a great idea and it was perfectly acceptable.  Sex is healthy!  We are friends!  We had sex before!  After all we are both adults and single.  But are we?  Well he has a girlfriend that for some reason I have no problem forgetting about.   I have been cheated on, so I should be even more opposed to that idea than the average person.  Truth is I am not sure he still has a girlfriend and if so how serious it is.  It is hard for me to believe that he would be willing to cheat on his girlfriend.  Would this arrangement be called cheating?  Don’t answer; I know the answer to that!  Still his girlfriend never figured in my decision (I am not proud of that).

I knew that next time I saw AL again it would be hard to stop at kissing.  I knew it would be my doing if something happened as he is not the type to push and pressure anyone into anything.  Instead of looking forward to a third date with this one available guy I have been dating, I was looking forward to seeing AL again and already fantasying about all the possibilities.

“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” ― Rumi

Two nights ago, before I had the chance to write this post AL came to my apartment.   At first I just showed him my new apartment and we talked about some improvements I want to make. The whole time there was this underlying sexual tension.  We both knew we would kiss.  I don’t think we knew for sure that we would do more than kissing. Can we stop at kissing?  Should we? Why should we?  I was okay with anything happening or not happening.

We kissed! We kissed a lot!  And we didn’t stop there!  I will not bore you with the details…yadda yadda yadda we had sex!

This post was going to be about the idea of making something happen, now it is a “been there, done that, don’t need to do it again”.  This post is about being honest, human and flawed.  I make mistakes, sometimes I go out of my way to make mistakes.  Sometimes I know it is a mistake and I do it anyway.  I know there will be tons more down the road and I look forward to them all.

“sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

Immediately after sex I felt odd.  Don’t get me wrong, sex was good, but it didn’t seem to be what I needed.  I didn’t feel good or bad.  It is hard to explain.  Sex was comforting, fun, satisfying but also it felt temporary, lacking and empty.  It was empty in meaning, it lacked future.  I expected to either feel great about it or feel totally guilty.  I felt neither.  I felt weirdly and plainly okay.

After he left I was incredibility happy.  Not happy that he left, but happy that it had happened and it was over.  Most of all I was happy that it is never going to happen again (he doesn’t know that yet).  I had this calmness come over me.  I had this assuredness that I knew exactly how I felt about this. I had this sense that what had just happened was a necessary mistake. I needed to know in person/reality and not just in concept that this was not for me.  Somehow I don’t think that I would have listened to anyone telling me how dumb my idea was.  I had to go through it, the feelings, the emotions, the before, the after, the emptiness and the discovery!

“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” ― Deepak Chopra

I am not a friends with benefit type of person.  I am not passing judgment on anyone that does that as for awhile I thought it would work for me.  And who knows I may change my mind again.  But I realize that at this point in my life is not what I want.  I want meaning and positive energy.  I want to elevate my soul, to make it happy, to make it sing.  This is not the way to achieve that for me.  Sex to me is more than the physical part; it is the exchange of energy, the building of something, perhaps memories.  It is the oneness that one only gets when there is love and continuity. Somehow I need to have a commitment from the other person.  I want it all, the passion, the gentleness, the wild and raw, the miracle of it, and it can only be miraculously if you are with someone that you love and care about.   Perhaps what I am really trying to do is control sex.   Can sex be controlled?

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Oscar Wilde

That AL perhaps has a girlfriend shouldn’t go unnoticed either.  I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s sadness.  I don’t want to contribute to anyone’s betrayal.  I don’t want that negative energy in my life. The truth is if I want to just have a sexual relationship with no strings attached I could easily have a line outside my door of single guys.  I don’t need to be with anybody’s boyfriend.  I know better than that.  I doubt his girlfriend is serious, or even if he has one now, but that is really besides the point now.  At that point I didn’t care if he had or not. I am not proud of that fact, but it is sadly true.

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.” ― Francis BaconThe Advancement Of Learning

I am embarrassed to be writing about this as at my age (almost 50). Where is the cosmopolitan world traveler Brazilian New Yorker? I fear I am sounding like a confused 20 yr old.  But these are my issues and what is in my mind.  I am going to own up to everything, pretty or not.  It is about knowing and accepting myself, and not making excuses.

I am not sure what came over me with those thoughts.  I think that it had something to do with the fact that lately when I start dating someone the moment they like me and they seem to want to get close to me, I run!  So at this rate I will never have sex again.  I broke things off with the date from the other day, the one I was confiding in AL about it.  He seemed to like me too much too fast so I felt pressured and ran.  It turns out the worst thing a man can do to me is show me he is very interested in me.  I start finding fault with him. I start projecting years down the road and I am turned off by what I see.  I think I am just afraid of giving anyone new a chance.

“So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.”― Ernest HemingwayDeath in the Afternoon

I am weirdly okay with this whole turn of events: texting AL again, having sex, deciding it is not for me.  I am even happy about it.  I would never have found out exactly how I feel about this had I not gone through. I don’t feel defeated, I feel empowered.  I have now a better sense of direction.  It is crazy to think that I needed this to happen but I think it was necessary for me.  If I were to continue on this route of sex without meaning it would only cheapen the whole act for me.  I like this romantic idea I have of it.  I also think that if I were to fully embark on that I would never give any new guy a chance.  AL would become my crutch.

Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt, of becoming vulnerable again.  I am fearless, or so I thought.  My actions lately seem all driven out of some kind of fear!

The best thing is that now I have a new resolve, new outlook, new determination.  I decided to give new people a chance.   I will welcome people instead of driving them away.  I will not project into the future.  I will take it one day at a time.  I will trust! I will let the light in!

And here I remain so sure of something and still totally confused!  But one think is for certain I am proud of telling you the naked truth!

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George SaundersThe Braindead Megaphone

***

I am not sure what will happen to the relationship I have with AL.  We continue to talk and text as if nothing happened.  I am a bit less flirty as I don’t want to give him any ideas.  Clearly we are very close friends as I can confide in him with anything.  I am comfortable enough with him to be naked in front of him while I know I am not physically at my best (that says a lot!).   I know that we will see each other again and I know in my heart that we will not have sex again – I just know it.  I no longer want to, I am no longer curious.  I am curious about his girlfriend though.  Does he really have one, how serious is she that he is willing to cheat on her?  I never asked him about that.  Somehow I never thought he would be the kind of guy that cheats on his girlfriend.   AL has been a constant in my life the past 3 years (even if for a long time it was just texting).  I appreciate his presence in my life.  If he were to disappear I would miss him.  He makes me smile. He is my friend!

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”― Marcel Proust

Impatient, grateful, loving and contemplating honesty!

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” – ― Aristotle

1:00 pm. Right now I am defrosting my freezer with a hairdryer so that the official GE repairman can return to fix it.   What I really feel like doing is taking an ax to it and chopping it to pieces.

This day has been an exercise in patience… I keep failing all the patience tests that the Universe sends my way.  At this rate I will have to repeat this very same Life-cycle all over again.

I had taken the morning off from work to deal with the fridge, but it turned into a whole day affair.  I know stuff like this happens to teach me patience and the ability to deal with things that are out of my control.  Two other words come to mind:  Perspective and Gratitude.

I didn’t always have a fridge. I remember when my family finally had enough money to buy a fridge.  I was probably about 10 years old.  It was like it was Christmas and we had won the lottery.  Having ice cubes floating in a glass was magical.  It is good to remember that.  It is good to think not of the broken fridge but to remember that I am blessed enough to have a fridge to break in the first place.  Living in the US with all the comforts of the First World it is easy to take it all for granted.  Reminders are blessings!

“A grateful mindset can set you free from the prison of disempowerment and the shackles of misery.” ― Steve Maraboli

Problems need to be put into perspective and in their right place.  This is just a fridge and it is only money.  Okay, it is annoying and frustrating but it is not the end of the world.  Deal with it and move on.

6:00 pm.  Fridge Fixed.  The GE repairman charged $368.00 and changed 3 parts, including the one supposedly already changed.  The original repairman charged me $375.00.  He hasn’t returned my calls and hasn’t stopped by to return my money as he said he would (when the fridge broke again I called him and he said he wanted to come to repair it, I said I wanted my money back instead.  He said no problem, but never followed through on that)

At this point I will probably see him again in Small Claims court.  It is now a matter of principal.

“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” Laurence Sterne

***

On another front, I am taking tomorrow off and embarking on a long weekend with Ex’s mother.

For her birthday she wanted to see Bette Midler.  The Divine Miss M. is playing at Mohegan Sun Casino.  Since I have free rooms at Foxwoods Casino (just 15 minutes away from Mohegan Sun) I decided to make a whole weekend out of it.

When I tell people I am still in touch with his mother they frown.  People don’t understand why I didn’t leave the entire past behind.  Here is my thinking: Not having a relationship with him anymore didn’t make me stop caring for her.  I am able to separate things and at this point she realizes there is no turning back so she has quit making allusions to it.

I made a conscious decision long ago not to blame the mother for the sins of the son.  I choose to love freely and not link one person to the other.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

****

Preview – my next post will be a hard one, and perhaps my posting this little blurb about it will force me to actually write it. It will be hard because I will have to admit  to you certain things that I don’t want to admit to myself.  But, once again, what is the point of this blog if not for me to be totally me, honest and raw.  Totally childish, totally needy, totally grateful, totally sinful, totally blissful and totally wrong some times.  At the end of the day I want to own my life.  I want to take ownership of my mistakes, I want to learn from them, but above all I want to be able to make them if that is what I want to do at the moment. You reader are my friend and as such you deserve honesty.  Then you shall have it.

I am not sure if I am looking for acceptance or if I want you to take me by my shoulders and shake me up and make me come back to my senses.

I think I am looking to confront myself and make you the audience.

“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” ― Noël Coward, Blithe Spirit

 

I have been scammed and it sucks!

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you.” ― C. KennedyOmorphi

I have been scammed and I feel pretty lousy about it.  Actually lousy is not the right word.  I feel powerless. I feel vulnerable.  I felt betrayed and taken advantage of.  The victim in me is in full bloom.

At times like these I wish I had a protector, a savior, a man.  It is not even about the money as it is a small amount. It is about the fact that somebody looks you straight in the eye and lies to your face.  Somebody thinks you are dumb enough and too weak to do anything about it.

The feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness is tough to deal with.  I am also feeling pretty dumb.  How can this self-made street smart business woman be in such a predicament?  I am no longer this illegal immigrant that spoke no English.  I am an American now, I have it all and I have rights.  Also online I am able to spot scammers a mile away, but face to face this guy just had me.

I am not going to bore anyone with the minute details of the story.  The fact is I have been ripped off by a fridge repairman. I paid for a new part and he gave me an old one.

But this is more than monetary loss, it is about misplaced trust.

I was livid when I found out.  At this point I don’t even know if the part needed to be changed or not.  He was recommended by someone I trust so I had complete confidence in him.

When I found out I called him and asked him about it and he, of course, denied it.  He was supposed to stop by to talk to me about it last night.  He never did.  Today I called him and gave him a piece of my mind.

What am I to do now?  My options are limited.

  • Sue him?  It is $375.00, so it is not worth my time to go to court over that.
  • Find someone to break his legs?  Of course I am kidding about this option, but it shows you how mad I am that I am even dreaming about inflicting bodily harm.
  • Blast the internet with bad reviews?  Hum perhaps that will make me feel better, especially since warning others is a good thing.
  •  Grin, bear it and move on? If I choose this one, does it mean I am just a doormat?

There are the “why me” feelings. I treat everyone with respect, kindness, honesty, why? I will tell you “why me”: because clearly there are lessons here for me to learn!

At this moment I am breathing, putting aside hurt feelings and looking at the bigger picture.  First, I need to stop the drama: No one died!   Second I need to look at the part I played:  I am one of the main characters in this plot so I need to see how I can play it differently next time and have a different outcome.

“That’s the thing about being a victim; you start to think it’ll happen to you on a regular basis. It’s living with the reality of your own vulnerability, and it sucks.” ― Dennis LehaneA Drink Before the War

I am only a victim if I give the other person or the event/situation the power to make me feel that way.  Here are some of my ideas of what I can do different next time:

  • Fix it myself. Youtube has tutorials on everything. I actually had changed that same part in my old fridge in my old apartment myself (with the help of a friend).  This time I thought it was a different problem, so when he told me it was the same problem I figured I would just throw money at the problem and not have to ask anybody’s help. (I hate asking for help)
  • Never blindly trust a repair person/salesman, etc, /don’t let your guard down even if referred by someone I know. Because he was so well recommended I saw this guy as a friend and let my guard down.
  • Go with my gut. When in doubt I will get a second opinion. My gut was telling me to wait to fix it, but I ignored the little voice inside.
  • I will ask for proof. Whenever getting anything repaired that requires new parts I will ask for the box the new part came in and ask to keep the old part.
  • I will do my research and ask questions. I will let them know that I am not totally clueless (and careless) about the issue.
  • I will treat it as business deal and not as a new friendship. I was my usual self with this person.  I was super friendly and cracking jokes. I treated him how I would like to be treated, and in this case didn’t work.  I think that it sent him the wrong message. It made me seem like an easy gullible prey.
  • I will never pay with cash (had I paid with credit card I could dispute the charge)
  • Whenever possible I will not pay the entire amount at once.

In the end perhaps this $375.00 will be an investment in making sure that I don’t lose thousands in the future.

But, perhaps over-analyzing it, is this hitting me so hard because in some weird way it mirrors the full trust I had in Ex?

Why should I ever trust anyone again?  Should I become this hard, serious, non-trusting person?  Should I change? Why do I need to change?  too many questions, no answers :-(

“The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.” ― Steve Maraboli

IS IT ME, HIM OR PMS?

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ― Kahlil Gibran

The last couple of months I haven’t dated as I have had no time.  Now I am online again.

This one guy asked me out after we had only exchanged a couple of messages.  I am okay with that as I don’t need to exchange countless emails and rather meet in person anyway.

It felt weird from the beginning as it felt more like a business exchange.  We didn’t really do any chatting other than schedule to meet, but he seemed nice.

But, as it often happens with my dealings online, there was some miscommunication, things took an awkward turn and I decided not to meet him.   I just have no patience for anything lately, especially what appears to be a needy insecure man that missed a big chance of keeping his mouth shut (or in this case, his fingers from typing)

and then there is PMS raging on, which makes everything take an inflated dimension.

“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.”
Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Well, judge for yourself, here is the conversation:

5/19/2015 6:18:52 PMHE: Are you free tonight. I can meet you somewhere if you are free
5/19/2015 6:32:00 PMME:  sorry, I am busy with a couple of things until Thursday. I am free after that.

 

 5/19/2015 6:34:52 PMHE: Okay maybe during the weekend or Monday. Do you work on memorial day?
5/19/2015 6:40:05 PMME: Sounds good! I am off :-)

 

5/19/2015 6:47:45 PM
HE: So I can come to the new Rochelle area and go for a drink or something to eat
5/20/2015 7:31:45 AMME: That is awesome if you can come my way! :-)

 

5/20/2015 7:34:33 AM
HE: Sure no problem
5/20/2015 8:40:02 AMME: Now all we need to do is choose a date :-)

 

5/20/2015 9:00:01 AM
HE: Yes we do. Let me know.
5/20/2015 9:11:41 AMME: I thought you were going to let me know ?

 

5/20/2015 11:13:18 AM
HE: Okay no problem. I will let you know when and where
5/20/2015 11:32:03 AMME: ok :-)

 

 5/20/2015 9:41:30 PMHE: Patrias tapas bar in new Rochelle at 1 pm on Saturday
5/21/2015 8:18:12 AMME: Sounds good, but I have to confirm it later when I hear from a windows installer. He is coming Saturday but I am not sure what time. I will let you know if 1pm works the moment I hear back from him.
Have a great Thursday!

 

 5/21/2015 8:20:09 AMHE: Have a great day
5/22/2015 12:01:16 AM
HE:  Hello A. ,
How are you. Can you let me know by tomorrow if we are going to meet up on Saturday. thank you.

 

5/22/2015 6:44:58 AMME: Good morning
I am sorry I have been holding you up.
I sent the curtain guy another message and I will call him when I get to the office.
But please don’t let me hold you up any longer. If you need to plan your weekend go ahead and make other plans.
We will play by ear when I know my timing.
Have a great Friday!

 

5/22/2015 6:49:36 AM
HE: I usually do not make any plans because I am a spontaneous person . okay let me know. I am flexible person.
5/22/2015 7:10:23 AM
HE: You don’t seem to enthusiastic to see me. I think what you should have told me is on your note instead of me making alternative plans was I definitely want to see you this weekend and if possibly there is a conflict with the contractor we will make an alternative time and/or day. That’s what I would have said to you if I had the same situation.

 

5/22/2015 8:32:52 AMME: what??? I am so confused.
You cannot expect people to act like you would act. For starters you have no idea all I am going through at the moment and all I was juggling to try to see you at 1 tomorrow.
5/22/2015 8:39:28 AM
HE: Okay I appreciate that.

 

5/22/2015 8:42:38 AMME: Clearly this would never work. It is very disappointing.
Wishing you the best of luck anyway.
 5/22/2015 8:49:52 AMHE: Why? I said okay. I don’t have an issue. You are too sensitive. You have to calm down. You need to smell the roses. Whether its me or someone else if you react like that you will have a hard time not only beginning a relationship but making it last. All you will be doing is dating and nothing more. You need to work on your bad reactions.

 

 5/22/2015 8:54:38 AMME: thank you so much for you advice!
5/22/2015 8:59:29 AMHE: You can thank me but you should review your notes and reactions. This is for your own good because I would never do that to anyone the way you reacted.

 

5/22/2015 9:04:04 AMME: again I thank you very much.
Next time I will act overly enthusiastic to meet someone,
I will be clingy and needy and act all desperate.
because making a date and offering to make alternate plans is not good enough!!
I am looking for simple and easy, not pressure and paranoia
5/22/2015 9:10:15 AM
HE: Well I am simple person and relaxed. Your immediate reaction not to meet anymore is not good .

 “We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

This is the time he is supposed to be trying to be nice to me and captivate me and not tell me how to act/react. His pick-up game needs work.

I know that sometimes I can be too reactive and over-react.  I constantly try to work on that (I know I have to try harder) Did I over-react in this case? Am I being defensive or just too sensitive (as he pointed out)?  Looking back I was a bit sarcastic and passive-aggressive.

But why do I have to show enthusiasm about meeting him after we only exchanging a couple of messages?

I felt pressured. Not a feeling you want going on a date.  I don’t think any good can come out of continuing to exchange messages with him and meeting him.

I just lacked the energy, time and inclination to deal with people that need that much attention this early in the game.

I try not to miss the lesson, but in this case I don’t even know what the lesson is :-(

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

***

I did have a date last night with a nice gentleman and I am not sure how I feel about him.  I realize that I am becoming over critical of people (ironic isn’t it?).  Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt so I look for reasons not to see someone again.  He emailed me this morning to ask me about seeing me again.  I am not sure what to reply.  He lives far and I don’t like to drive. :-)

***

On another front I am so excited to have my new blinds installed tomorrow.  They are expensive but they are thermal blackout, so they should help me save me money in the winter (my building was poorly constructed and the insulation is barely existent).  I was debating if I would try ordering and installing them myself but decided against it (where is a man when you need one?)   I had them made for the living room only.  The bedrooms will just have curtains for now.  One battle at a time!

Tired of accepting less than I deserve!

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” ― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free

Even in all my busyness at the moment I find time to miss someone.  I miss AL!  I wrote about AL before. We met when I was selling some extra concert tickets online.  He didn’t buy the tickets but we developed an email friendship.  It turned out that he only lived 15 minutes away so we decided to meet.  The sparks that were noticeable in the emails were even more evident in person.  We dated for a little bit but decided to become only friends (without benefits).  We both realized that it wouldn’t work out romantically in the long run because of a sizable age difference (16 years) and decided that we’d rather nurture the friendship.

Our friendship continued until he became very busy with opening a restaurant.  At that point our friendship became texting only.  I understood him being busy, but after the restaurant came and went (he sold it) and he still he couldn’t find 5 minutes to meet up I started to feel weird, somewhat annoyed at this text only relationship.  I questioned the validity of a friendship that had become texting only.

I enjoyed the in-person banter we had and missed that.   I appreciated his outlook in life. Like me he was appreciative of everything he had but always striving to become better.

So for the past year I would mention every now and then how disappointed I was that we haven’t gotten together in awhile.  And it was always the same response: I am sorry I have been a bad friend  and  I promise to do better.

At one point I mentioned to him that I normally pay attention to a man’s actions and not his words.   I told him he said the right things but there was no action.  Again he was apologetic.

And still nothing ever changed. Then he would resume the texting.  I would sometimes ignore it hoping he would get it, but he would persist and eventually I relented and would continue the texting, which I enjoyed a lot.

After many times of this pattern of my complaining and his apologizing I was left feeling silly and childish.  It seemed stupid in a friendship to be feeling unappreciated and unworthy, but that was what I was feeling.

No matter how busy we all are we still find time for the people that we care about.  It was disappointing as I thought our friendship was amazing and I never pictured it ending only getting stronger.

Then it dawned on me:  He must have gotten a girlfriend!  I asked him and he confirmed it.  I was crushed!  Not because he had a girlfriend but because he thought so little of me to never tell me.

All of a sudden I didn’t know him anymore, and he clearly never knew me.  If we were such best friends why would he hide this girlfriend from me?  It was a mutual decision to turn the romance into friendship.  And that was already 2 years ago!  He knew of my online dating efforts as I mentioned often the dates I was going on.  He always said he was not looking for anyone as he was too busy, which I knew it was hogwash as men are always looking.

I am happy for him having found someone.  I am upset with the fact that he hid it from me.  It makes me question what he thinks of me.  Why would AL hide a girlfriend from me?  That is so stupid and it makes me rethink of what I thought of him.

Once again here is another guy that apparently thinks I like him and cannot handle the truth.  Once again I am forced to look at my actions to see where I have gone wrong.  When and how did I show that I wanted to be more friends?  I am stumped.

Finally one day I had had enough and made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want to get texts anymore.   I had said that many times before but this time I made sure to tell him that this was making me feel pathetic and it was hurtful.  I mentioned that every time he texted it reminded me that we were no longer good friends.   It had become this stupid game of him texting, my complaining about not getting together, his apologizing, my giving in and texting back.  The stick the broke the camel’s back was him sending me a cutesy texting full of emoticons saying he loved me when only the day before I had told him to stop texting me.   I always felt he valued and appreciated me but why the “no effort”?

Well this time he heard me loud and clear! I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months months.  I am surprised (many times before he mentioned he would never let go of this friendship), and at the same time happy.  But I cannot lie and say I don’t miss him.  I miss him a lot(well his texting)!

But what do I really miss?  I guess it is just the idea of a best friend.  I always related better to men than women.   I miss his joy of life, his sharp wit, and his attention.  He got my jokes and he seemed to get me. I miss being thought of and being remembered.  But when someone lives just 15 minutes away, texting only is not enough.

No, I didn’t want him as a boyfriend.  After the initial attraction and trial dating, being just friends suited me fine.  I always relished the idea that we were able to put attraction aside and build this awesome friendship.  I felt smug about it as if this was an amazing achievement and we were able to do it.

I guess once again I invented a relationship that was better and more solid than in reality.

At times now I second guess myself about asking him to stop with the texting, thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t haven’t been so demanding.   This after all was supposed to be an easy, no demanding friendship.  We saw each other when we had time.  Shouldn’t I just act cool and continue texting?

Then I remember that I was not feeling valued and worthy.  I felt cheap and used. I am worth of somebody’s time.  I am a great friend, true, open, honest, non-judgmental and here for you.  If he doesn’t have the time, actually if he doesn’t care to make the time to meet me then I shouldn’t waste my time with empty texting.

I miss him but don’t want to hear from him again.  There is a reason people come into our lives and there is a reason they leave.  There is a reason why things that are passed should remain in the past: to make room for the new.

I feel that my friendship with AL was comfortable to me, even in its dysfunctionality.   His texting was something I could count on to pick up my day, to make me laugh, to make me blush, to make me feel like a friend and often like a woman.

Being comfortable is the enemy of growth!

I question my self-esteem.   What am I holding on to when I accept less than I deserve?  What am I getting from this so-called friendship?  I was holding on to the past we had:  great outings and great conversations and; I was holding on to the future I thought we would have:  more great outings and more great conversations.  I realized I was missing the most important: the present, the now!

I am happy that I took a stand and spoke my mind.  I no longer feel used and just somebody to text with when he is bored. I will probably continue to miss him for awhile, but there is a price for everything in life, and this is the price I am paying for taking a stand for what I believe I deserve.

My door is wide open for new friends! No texting please!   Well, some texting is okay, since I am an expert at it!

“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.” ― Henry David ThoreauWalden

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,622 other followers